MancWanderer Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 1 minute ago, bolton_blondie said: Sure he called us rowdy once. Boss tell us off afterwards for scaring all the male reps đđ He loved it and would always take me to see the supposed scary DNs. Breightmet was one of his favourite places. He was off once and I had to meet a DN at a flat behind The Ainsworth on Halliwell Road. She shone a torch up a pensioners arse and asked if our silver ribbon would heal âthatâ. She pissed herself as I turned green Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bolton_blondie Posted January 27, 2021 Members Share Posted January 27, 2021 1 minute ago, MancWanderer said: He loved it and would always take me to see the supposed scary DNs. Breightmet was one of his favourite places. He was off once and I had to meet a DN at a flat behind The Ainsworth on Halliwell Road. She shone a torch up a pensioners arse and asked if our silver ribbon would heal âthatâ. She pissed herself as I turned green đđđ Whack a bit of aquacel in that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErnestTurnip Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Had to give a sample in Leeds once, full night out before, liquid Guinness shit 2 minutes before handing it in. Fecon tube still warm and handed it over warm, could hardly look the lass in the face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MancWanderer Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 3 minutes ago, bolton_blondie said: đđđ Whack a bit of aquacel in that You heathen. It was Silvercel that was our product. It was an anal fistula. What she did next with a sly grin on her face, half looking at me, will live with me forever....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bolton_blondie Posted January 27, 2021 Members Share Posted January 27, 2021 Just now, MancWanderer said: You heathen. It was Silvercel that was our product. It was an anal fistula. What she did next with a sly grin on her face, half looking at me, will live with me forever....... Silvercel? Never heard of it. Is that what the old school DNs used? đ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MancWanderer Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 1 minute ago, bolton_blondie said: Silvercel? Never heard of it. Is that what the old school DNs used? đ Equivalent of Aquacel Ag iirc. Prob not on the local formulary as Aquacel had taken the market. Convatec are a brutal but very good company at getting their products used. And to be fair they have good products Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SatanGreavsie Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 2 hours ago, Spider said: This thread sounds a bit like every stag do Iâve ever been on I was going to say, made me quite nostalgic for our Euro trips did this. And that's just the flights out... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Once over 60 you'll get a set of lolly sticks and a sample card every couple of years in the post for you to smear skid marks on for bowel cancer screening... always a faff, I catch my turds in an (empty) margarine tub then take the sample. You have to do this for four separate dumps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted January 27, 2021 Author Members Share Posted January 27, 2021 17 minutes ago, Dimron said: Once over 60 you'll get a set of lolly sticks and a sample card every couple of years in the post for you to smear skid marks on for bowel cancer screening... always a faff, I catch my turds in an (empty) margarine tub then take the sample. You have to do this for four separate dumps. Do you put it back in the fridge? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 10 hours ago, Rudy said: Do you put it back in the fridge? She makes me do it all outside in the garden as it smells the house out, quite refreshing doing it al fresco with the dog. Wait till she turns 60... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bolton_blondie Posted January 28, 2021 Members Share Posted January 28, 2021 54 minutes ago, Dimron said: She makes me do it all outside in the garden as it smells the house out, quite refreshing doing it al fresco with the dog. Wait till she turns 60... Do you drag your arse across the grass once your done? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jol_BWFC Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, bolton_blondie said: Do you drag your arse across the grass once your done? Shortly before Mrs Dimron comes out with a pooper scooper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) Some folk need committing to Bedlam... Newspapers? Margarine tubs? To obtain a sample... 1. Flush the toilet to wet the sides of the pan. 2. Carefully build up a toilet roll 'hammock' just clear of the water. One does this by trailing about three or four sheets to adhere to one side, then the other. Repeat as necessary - dependent on stool type. 3. Shit as normal, however, choose which shit of the day prudently - don't opt for the morning king-kong fingers. 4. Wedge some bogroll between your cheeks to prevent smearage then stand up and use the 'Screwball' spoon to acquire a smidgen of turd. Secure sample in pot. 5. Flush - sit back down, remove protective arse wadding into pan. Recommence shitting or finish up by wiping etc. The monstrous reptiles that crawl amongst us normal humans may stand up to do this stage - smearing faeces on inner buttocks as they do so, and rendering the 1st part of stage 4 pointless. As an aside I understand sending faecal samples down the vacuum tubage is very much frowned upon. They've been known to disintegrate before landing - necessitating a very laborious and tricky cleanup. Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Screwball not Corkscrew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweep Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Youri McAnespie said: Some folk need committing to Bedlam... Newspapers? Margarine tubs? To obtain a sample... 1. Flush the toilet to wet the sides of the pan. 2. Carefully build up a toilet roll 'hammock' just clear of the water. One does this by trailing about three or four sheets to adhere to one side, then the other. Repeat as necessary - dependent on stool type. 3. Shit as normal, however, choose which shit of the day prudently - don't opt for the morning king-kong fingers. 4. Wedge some bogroll between your cheeks to prevent smearage then stand up and use the 'Corkscrew' spoon to acquire a smidgen of turd. Secure sample in pot. 5. Flush - sit back down, remove protective arse wadding into pan. Recommence shitting or finish up by wiping etc. The monstrous reptiles that crawl amongst us normal humans may stand up to do this stage - smearing faeces on inner buttocks as they do so, and rendering the 1st part of stage 4 pointless. As an aside I understand sending faecal samples down the vacuum tubage is very much frowned upon. They've been known to disintegrate before landing - necessitating a very laborious and tricky cleanup. That's all too complex - just sit on the toilet backwards, so you're facing the cistern. Then as you thunder one out, it'll leave a huge monster skidder. Then just scrape your sample from that. Obviously use somebody else's toilet as you don't want to have to clean up the mess afterwards Edited January 28, 2021 by Sweep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmjhb Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 This story is a load of shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter FrancisFogarty Posted January 28, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 15 hours ago, Dimron said: Once over 60 you'll get a set of lolly sticks and a sample card every couple of years in the post for you to smear skid marks on for bowel cancer screening... always a faff, I catch my turds in an (empty) margarine tub then take the sample. You have to do this for four separate dumps. I've had a few of these now and must admit I haven't always done it. However, following advice from Dimron and Bolton Blondie I can't wait to get my next one. Hope it's in the summer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted January 28, 2021 Author Members Share Posted January 28, 2021 41 minutes ago, Sweep said: That's all too complex - just sit on the toilet backwards, so you're facing the sistern. Then as you thunder one out, it'll leave a huge monster skidder. Then just scrape your sample from that. Obviously use somebody else's toilet as you don't want to have to clean up the mess afterwards AKA doing a AC Slater Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sweep said: That's all too complex - just sit on the toilet backwards, so you're facing the sistern. Then as you thunder one out, it'll leave a huge monster skidder. Then just scrape your sample from that. Obviously use somebody else's toilet as you don't want to have to clean up the mess afterwards Years ago my mate returned from actual Germany, he related, with disgust, how all the bogs had 'shelves' in them. I just thought he was being odd, surely some bogs here and everywhere have shelves - maybe a few spare bog rolls on them, perhaps one of those Glade plastic green jelly things, maybe a shaving mirror etc. It was only when I later went to Germany myself I realised he meant the actual bog had a shelf, not the bog as a room. Dirty bastards. Anyway I adopted the reverse position to ensure my turds ended up in water. We will never be true kith and kin with our teutonic cousins, never - they're fucking odd. Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Francis Fogarty said: I've had a few of these now and must admit I haven't always done it. However, following advice from Dimron and Bolton Blondie I can't wait to get my next one. Hope it's in the summer. So, instead of my sane method, you're not only going to squat and shit into in a Vitalite tub in your garden - like the deranged Edmund Trebus, you're actually looking forward to it? You should move to Germany. Speaking of which, according to Bez, it was common practice in Strangeways for prisoners to piss in the big bucket that was meant for shitting in, and to line the small plastic 'jerry' (meant for pissing in) with newspaper, shit in it, parcel it up then chuck it out of the window. Somewhat related, I saw on one of those hoarder programmes, some bloke had filled to the ceilings with rubbish the ground floor, he then moved to the upstairs and filled that too, he'd then moved into the attic - which was just an attic, no boards - just lagging etc. Some poor sods were cleaning it out, hazmat suits and respirator masks etc. The main bulk of the rubbish consisted of empty white cider cans, chinese takeaway containers, original film video cassettes and boxes (when charity shops were flogging them 10 for a quid), plastic milk bottles of piss and... Thousands of clear tupperware lunch boxes containing turds. When they finally cleared downstairs there was a flat screen decent telly still on in the corner - a telly guide magazine on the tv stand was from about six years previous. Six years worth of piss and turds. Even if the boxes were a quid apiece the filthy cunt must've spent thousands on Tupperware alone. It was his fucking own house an' all. And he'd had it cleared from a similar state ten years previous. All his neighbours had to keep windows shut even at the height of summer due to plagues of flies. The council were going to make a compulsory purchase for a derisory amount, minus cleanup costs. Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweep Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, Youri McAnespie said: Â Somewhat related, I saw on one of those hoarder programmes, some bloke had filled to the ceilings with rubbish the ground floor, he then moved to the upstairs and filled that too, he'd then moved into the attic - which was just an attic, no boards - just lagging etc. Â I always vision you as one of these hoarding sorts, not wanting any wastage, and keeping things just in case they have a use one day (I don't think you collect and hoard your own bodily waste of course) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Sweep said: I always vision you as one of these hoarding sorts, not wanting any wastage, and keeping things just in case they have a use one day (I don't think you collect and hoard your own bodily waste of course) Nah, I'm the opposite. In fact my pied-a-terrĂŠ is so minimal I could probably shift everything in it out through the patio doors into the garden in about twenty minutes, on mi tod, king size bed an' all... I was brought up in a house that wasn't scruffy nor even cluttery as such, but quite knick-knacky and owd fashioned. Most of the storage space like wardrobes, drawers etc. were full of irrelevant crap - stuff that should've been in them being elsewhere i.e. clean towels stacked on the kitchen table, coats over chairs, mine and my dad's socks in a drawer of a Georgian sideboard in the parlour... Used to do my fucking head in. When I turned 18 I hired a skip and chucked everthing out of my bedroom - redocorated in white, put shelves on the walls for my vinyl and books/CDs, metal frame bed, cupboard and chest of drawers - separates Technics hifi atop. Telly and video in corner - that was it... A bit pointless really as I left home within a year or so... I'm quite militaristic actually at home. Everything in its place, anything superfluous I get rid. However, my shower and washing machine water now flushes my bog. I might sell my design actually. Flushing shit/piss with drinking water is fucking madness. Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Spider Posted January 28, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 15 minutes ago, Youri McAnespie said: Nah, I'm the opposite. In fact my pied-a-terrĂŠ is so minimal I could probably shift everything in it out through the patio doors into the garden in about twenty minutes, on mi tod, king size bed an' all... I was brought up in a house that wasn't scruffy nor even cluttery as such, but quite knick-knacky and owd fashioned. Most of the storage space like wardrobes, drawers etc. were full of irrelevant crap - stuff that should've been in them being elsewhere i.e. clean towels stacked on the kitchen table, coats over chairs, mine and my dad's socks in a drawer of a Georgian sideboard in the parlour... Used to do my fucking head in. When I turned 18 I hired a skip and chucked everthing out of my bedroom - redocorated in white, put shelves on the walls for my vinyl and books/CDs, metal frame bed, cupboard and chest of drawers - separates Technics hifi atop. Telly and video in corner - that was it... A bit pointless really as I left home within a year or so... I'm quite militaristic actually at home. Everything in its place, anything superfluous I get rid. However, my shower and washing machine water now flushes my bog. I might sell my design actually. Flushing shit/piss with drinking water is fucking madness. Drinking water is something we arenât short of. We canât help living under a constant rain cloud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Tonge moor green jacket Posted January 28, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 20 hours ago, kent_white said: A mate of mine was on a surgical ward once and had a bloke in who'd stuck an iceberg lettuce up his arse. Liverpool player? Mo salad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Francis Fogarty said: I've had a few of these now and must admit I haven't always done it. However, following advice from Dimron and Bolton Blondie I can't wait to get my next one. Hope it's in the summer. Still prefer my way, dead easy. A bloke in the village said to me a few weeks ago "You can take the man out of Bolton but you'll never take the Bolton out of the man" after I'd finished telling him how I had to break the small top light in a toilet window and climb in headfirst after I'd locked myself out, I was proud of the fact I could still do it and not get stuck at going on 65yrs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Spider said: Drinking water is something we arenât short of. We canât help living under a constant rain cloud. If we drank rainwater direct off our rooftops. We don't. We drink some rainwater but also piss and shit water. It takes fuck knows how much energy to make both both potable - I'm guessing lots. You're not another of Casino's "...I couldn't give two shits I'll be dead soon" school of thought are you? That said the majority of the water bill is for fucking 'rainwater collection'. My next house will be near to a stream (if your gutters drain there they can't charge you). Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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