Youri McAnespie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) DP. Edited January 28, 2021 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter FrancisFogarty Posted January 28, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Youri McAnespie said: So, instead of my sane method, you're not only going to squat and shit into in a Vitalite tub in your garden - like the deranged Edmund Trebus, you're actually looking forward to it? No, dragging my arse afterwards is what I'm looking forward to. The au naturale bit is a bonus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traf Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Last time I had to do a stool sample, I borrowed a neighbours colander and placed it in the toilet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deane koontz Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 7 hours ago, Youri McAnespie said: DP. Sounds painful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayjayoghani Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 11 hours ago, Youri McAnespie said: So, instead of my sane method, you're not only going to squat and shit into in a Vitalite tub in your garden - like the deranged Edmund Trebus, you're actually looking forward to it? You should move to Germany. Speaking of which, according to Bez, it was common practice in Strangeways for prisoners to piss in the big bucket that was meant for shitting in, and to line the small plastic 'jerry' (meant for pissing in) with newspaper, shit in it, parcel it up then chuck it out of the window. Somewhat related, I saw on one of those hoarder programmes, some bloke had filled to the ceilings with rubbish the ground floor, he then moved to the upstairs and filled that too, he'd then moved into the attic - which was just an attic, no boards - just lagging etc. Some poor sods were cleaning it out, hazmat suits and respirator masks etc. The main bulk of the rubbish consisted of empty white cider cans, chinese takeaway containers, original film video cassettes and boxes (when charity shops were flogging them 10 for a quid), plastic milk bottles of piss and... Thousands of clear tupperware lunch boxes containing turds. When they finally cleared downstairs there was a flat screen decent telly still on in the corner - a telly guide magazine on the tv stand was from about six years previous. Six years worth of piss and turds. Even if the boxes were a quid apiece the filthy cunt must've spent thousands on Tupperware alone. It was his fucking own house an' all. And he'd had it cleared from a similar state ten years previous. All his neighbours had to keep windows shut even at the height of summer due to plagues of flies. The council were going to make a compulsory purchase for a derisory amount, minus cleanup costs. Wasn't this fella was it? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Trebus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) We used to refurbish Coal Board houses, move tennants out, gut the place, refit and move them back in. There was one house where man and son lived and they had fish and chips every night and tossed the used papers into a corner of the room, it had gone solid and we had to jack hammer it all out. There was a raised crusty crater of sugar about inch and a half deep on top of the fireplace where Pa's mug sat, you should have seen the little cockers run when we took that fireplace out! Edited January 30, 2021 by Dimron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 28/01/2021 at 17:04, Francis Fogarty said: No, dragging my arse afterwards is what I'm looking forward to. The au naturale bit is a bonus. Its come round again, every two years... They've taken the fun out of it, instead of having to spread 4 different daily samples on to a card with wooden lolly sticks you now do a single scrape with a little plastic spatula which is sealed in a plastic tube. Too easy, did it on the throne this morning leaving time for me to finish the crossword. Empty margarine tub in the dustbin smells a bit odd though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted April 12, 2021 Author Members Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Dimron said: Its come round again, every two years... They've taken the fun out of it, instead of having to spread 4 different daily samples on to a card with wooden lolly sticks you now do a single scrape with a little plastic spatula which is sealed in a plastic tube. Too easy, did it on the throne this morning leaving time for me to finish the crossword. Empty margarine tub in the dustbin smells a bit odd though. Just shit in a quavers bag like the rest of us. Weirdo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 Strikes me that the pre-paid envelope they give you must be the most secure way of posting anything, no way any little toe-rag in the sorting office is going to have a dip into that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not in Crawley Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 For those of an age where they are sending stool samples, do you 'wait' for a belter, solid nicely rounded etc Or just use the first one of the day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ani Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 30/01/2021 at 13:59, Dimron said: We used to refurbish Coal Board houses, move tennants out, gut the place, refit and move them back in. There was one house where man and son lived and they had fish and chips every night and tossed the used papers into a corner of the room, it had gone solid and we had to jack hammer it all out. There was a raised crusty crater of sugar about inch and a half deep on top of the fireplace where Pa's mug sat, you should have seen the little cockers run when we took that fireplace out! @mickbrownhas a few stories about house/flat clearances I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 50 minutes ago, Not in Crawley said: For those of an age where they are sending stool samples, do you 'wait' for a belter, solid nicely rounded etc Or just use the first one of the day? Not judged on composition, just content, so a shave off the first curler of the day will suffice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not in Crawley Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Dimron said: Not judged on composition, just content, so a shave off the first curler of the day will suffice Fair enough. I will bare that in mind. What age do people start needing all these regular check ups? Knee aside, I've not been to the GP for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 29/01/2021 at 02:46, jayjayoghani said: Wasn't this fella was it? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Trebus No, I think (put on exasperated council employee voice) Mister Treeebuss used to shit in carrier bags and lob 'em out of his landing window. Used the same (1st floor) window as his means of entrance/egress too, via a rickety ladder. It's a mental condition, well various strains... My sister (aspirins/ironing board) has a very mild form of it - with useless real stuff, not rubbish or shit and piss. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her to chuck stuff. It's bang out of order for the folk you live with imo - especially kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 And anyone shitting in a margarine tub to gain a sample should be screened for mentalism also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traf Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 27 minutes ago, Dimron said: Not judged on composition, just content, so a shave off the first curler of the day will suffice I think I'd be tempted to send the full contents of the day's first shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 42 minutes ago, Not in Crawley said: Fair enough. I will bare that in mind. What age do people start needing all these regular check ups? Knee aside, I've not been to the GP for years. You'll start getting the bowel cancer test kits after your 60th birthday but I read somewhere they've brought the date forward. They also try to put you on statins at 60, I tried them but they made my legs ache... okay if you're just sitting around waiting your turn with St Peter but if you're still active no good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 41 minutes ago, Youri McAnespie said: And anyone shitting in a margarine tub to gain a sample should be screened for mentalism also. Fair enough, first stage was deciding to support BWFC as a yoof and it went downhill from there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter FrancisFogarty Posted April 12, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted April 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Dimron said: Its come round again, every two years... They've taken the fun out of it, instead of having to spread 4 different daily samples on to a card with wooden lolly sticks you now do a single scrape with a little plastic spatula which is sealed in a plastic tube. Too easy, did it on the throne this morning leaving time for me to finish the crossword. Empty margarine tub in the dustbin smells a bit odd though. I actually did it this time and it was as fraught as I imagined. All night I was envisaging lots of possible shit based scenarios. In the event I used one of the dogs poo bags (my poo) and scraped as specified. I was right about not having enough hands mind. Scraping my arse outside is still on my bucket list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 28/01/2021 at 12:40, Youri McAnespie said: Some folk need committing to Bedlam... Newspapers? Margarine tubs? To obtain a sample... 1. Flush the toilet to wet the sides of the pan. 2. Carefully build up a toilet roll 'hammock' just clear of the water. One does this by trailing about three or four sheets to adhere to one side, then the other. Repeat as necessary - dependent on stool type. 3. Shit as normal, however, choose which shit of the day prudently - don't opt for the morning king-kong fingers. 4. Wedge some bogroll between your cheeks to prevent smearage then stand up and use the 'Screwball' spoon to acquire a smidgen of turd. Secure sample in pot. 5. Flush - sit back down, remove protective arse wadding into pan. Recommence shitting or finish up by wiping etc. The monstrous reptiles that crawl amongst us normal humans may stand up to do this stage - smearing faeces on inner buttocks as they do so, and rendering the 1st part of stage 4 pointless. As an aside I understand sending faecal samples down the vacuum tubage is very much frowned upon. They've been known to disintegrate before landing - necessitating a very laborious and tricky cleanup. ^ Am I on ignore? Gardens? Marge tubs? Lollysticks? Anyone not using the above method is clearly insane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweep Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 56 minutes ago, Youri McAnespie said: ^ Am I on ignore? Gardens? Marge tubs? Lollysticks? Anyone not using the above method is clearly insane. Why not just shit in your bath/shower cubicle, and then scrape a bit off into the receptacle they give you. Then you shower the surface down, nice and clean. Let's be honest, most of us have a piss and/or a shit when in the shower anyway, and then just poke the poo down the plug hole with our toes. It's no worse than doing that is it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 I watched that 'An Idiot Abroad' once, and Pilkington had taken one of those crap £10 fishing chairs that break after about ten minutes... He'd slashed a hole in the seat and stuck a carrier bag to the underneath to act as his own personal 'toilet'... Unsurprisingly it fell to bits first time using it, didn't show him falling through whilst following through and landing in a bag of shit. They should've though. I know it was probably for the cameras, but he'd taken a family pack of Monster Munch to subsist on so fuck knows what his turd consistency was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter FrancisFogarty Posted April 12, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 28/01/2021 at 12:40, Youri McAnespie said: Some folk need committing to Bedlam... Newspapers? Margarine tubs? To obtain a sample... 1. Flush the toilet to wet the sides of the pan. 2. Carefully build up a toilet roll 'hammock' just clear of the water. One does this by trailing about three or four sheets to adhere to one side, then the other. Repeat as necessary - dependent on stool type. 3. Shit as normal, however, choose which shit of the day prudently - don't opt for the morning king-kong fingers. 4. Wedge some bogroll between your cheeks to prevent smearage then stand up and use the 'Screwball' spoon to acquire a smidgen of turd. Secure sample in pot. 5. Flush - sit back down, remove protective arse wadding into pan. Recommence shitting or finish up by wiping etc. The monstrous reptiles that crawl amongst us normal humans may stand up to do this stage - smearing faeces on inner buttocks as they do so, and rendering the 1st part of stage 4 pointless. As an aside I understand sending faecal samples down the vacuum tubage is very much frowned upon. They've been known to disintegrate before landing - necessitating a very laborious and tricky cleanup. Well, I say fraught, it wasn't as fraught as this would have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimron Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Youri McAnespie said: ^ Am I on ignore? Gardens? Marge tubs? Lollysticks? Anyone not using the above method is clearly insane. Too complicated, if you're owt like me after the first coffee of the morning you can't be messin' around making a bog roll cradle when the old turtle is sticking his head out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter FrancisFogarty Posted April 12, 2021 Site Supporter Share Posted April 12, 2021 And also, how can you nip off just enough for a sample, but not bust the cradle? You can't have half a shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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