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This thread has made me think long and hard but have decided in the new year it's finally time to give up reading

"Oh Mr Darcy" she gasped. Do you think this tiara suits me?" "Aye love, but best put it back, we'd make nowt on that. As I say, it's the sweetcorn amongst the shit that wins Bargain Hunt. Aye up, Dickinson's coming back - switch them price tickets." "Oh Mr Darcy" she gasped. A duel, how romantic! But - my swift beating heart has to ask - do you know how to use that sword?" "Course I do love, Sammi down the kebab shop showed me with his skewers" "But beloved, this is not Hag Fold, it is Monte Carlo - and the gentleman there seeks honour or death" "It'll be reet, Sammi and his brother are behind them curtains. If it kicks off they've got cleavers and a dog" "Oh Mr Darcy" she gasped. "Given the intimacy of what's just happened between us, may I suggest that your marriage has run its course? Perhaps it has lingered too long, and like a leaf on an Autumn branch it needs to fall so that new life can burst through?" "Aye love. But I best get back to the reception; she'll be after the first dance or summat. And you need to fettle the other bridesmaids"

Well funny you should ask that... It's a tough life being Bishop of Lincoln. With Saxo still banged up in the Vatican and Lowson getting the push for turning a blind eye to something or other, I took over and needed to make my mark. The death of the Queen gave me the perfect opportunity. The soft bastards at the Ecumenical Council had organised an inter-faith service of remembrance, so now was my chance. Tickets were like rocking horse shit but Welby owed me a favour after I saved him from a kicking at last year's General Synod (tell you what, the Bishop of Tamworth was pissing blood for a week after I did him that day). So I recruited the gravediggers (luckily they were both out on parole) and a lay preacher from Grantham. I knew he was a good 'un ever since he got borstal for wounding with intent during Sunday School. We rocked up at Ely Cathedral early doors; the lads raided the communion wine but I swerved it - you need a clear head on days like this; though a quick snort behind the vestry got me in the mood. And it was needed soon enough. The Methodists turned up mob handed, along with a couple of Quakers who'd done time for arson and a Russian Orthodox monk from Bootle. He'd been a mercenary with Wagner until he got chucked out for being too uncontrollable during that attempted coup in Chad. Top lads but they were like mannah from heaven. Half the monk's teeth rattled across the narthex thanks to one of the gravedigger's shovels. As we sped outside to savour the crisp Autumnal Cambridgeshire air in triumph, we realised our mistake. It was a classic ambush, like that cunt must have led back in Chad. The Catholic Bishop's Conference were waiting, with a dozen members of the Congregatio Pro Gentium Evangelizatione - the hardest nutters in Italian Church Violence - in tow. Chaos ensued and I only survived by ditching my cassock and trying to blend in. Hiding behind a misericord I was spotted by the head of the Bury St.Edmunds Townswomen's Guild, the one I got a noshing from over a font at St.Pilchards in Spalding. She spirited me off through the vestry and on to the digs she was sharing above a boozer by the river. Later, looking out of the strangely stained window towards the history-steeped cathedral, I couldn't help but wonder how the lads had got on. I could have gone back to help, but as my host was already stripped naked and getting lubed up by her mate, a Lady Verger from Peterborough, I thought it's God's will I was spared and it's my duty to now stay here and administer extreme unction to these two poor souls. He does indeed move in mysterious ways; as did that verger - I think that's how I lost my watch. The next morning, as I lay there covered in sick, amidst the sounds of the hustle and bustle of the pub below, I got phoned by the Methodists - pissing on my cassock and calling in a result. I vowed to get my revenge, and it wasn't long coming...

Very pal. But after the last three months pal think I need a bit of good fortune. Locals said it's been years since it's been like this. Shorts, t-shirt, flip flops, beer in Dec.

The bigger the game, the less time I spend in and around the ground, as I hate queuing.

I got one of those from Eastern Europe a while ago, but it takes ages to do the job. Apparently it’s a Slovak.

Yep. Put it in the same file as farting about with that bastard elf every night.

Right, Xmas is hard enough - cut yourself some slack. I guarantee that your kids will have a brilliant Christmas and won't notice any small thing that has dropped off the list. You aren't not going to.fuck it up, no doubt you've done a brilliant job and the children will have a fantastic time with their family and wonderful mum who loves the bones of them.

Im turning up from 2,000 miles away!

If I'm not drinking (which is rare, admittedly), I'll have a coke or other soft drink. Zero alcohol just seems pointless to me.

All about perceptions eh? I thought it showed a remarkable lack of self awareness and tact. You twat! Anyway - Merry Christmas! 😁

i dont post on here much. Always reading posts and feel part of it if only from afar. i wish everyone all the very best for christmas and please keep this thread going. I have struggled on and off with issues all my life. But always got through . Lost my mum this year thought i was ok . Today i have realised that i am just wearing a mask to hide the sadness.She wasnt the easiest to live with, but she was the one I went to when i was on my arse. I am surrounded by people i love but i have never ever felt so alone. Life can be a cunt sometimes,look after yourselves and everyone around you.

Hope everyone who finds this time of the year hard finds some solace this Christmas and new year.

Merry Christmas to snowflakes and Gammons all over the forum (first time I’ve used either word) bit of a let down. Hope everyone has a cracker.

Let’s face it, it goes along the same lines as: “Shipping. Is that something you’d like to get into?” “Personal Protective Equipment. Is that something you’d like to get into?” “Track and Trace Apps. Is that something you’d like to get into?”

Bumped into Afolayan at Tesco this morning, dressed in a reindeer suit. Him, not me.

A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carol's from Kings has started on radio 4. Christmas has officially begun folks. Merry Christmas to you all! X

Mine’s just done the whole house apart from the stairs. Did a fairly decent job of the landing carpet but nowhere near as good as the Henry to be fair. Absolute no brainer for wooden floors Still doing its job after 4 months @Cheese😂

And to you, kinni and young un, dont forget I can get 35% Adidas discount codes 😗

Time to watch the greatest ever film set on Christmas Eve

Just give them one of their smaller presents @bolton_blondie, honestly it doesnt matter.

No place for communism in football...

Don’t do the Elf Dont do the boxes Stop introducing more chores to a hectic schedule

We get more for a xmas carol service than Wigan get for a home game. We’re just massive 😂

Great recommendation, just watched it now. If anyone does watch it, keep it on until the credits finish.

You might get off the car park and home in time for next Christmas

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/alcohol/men-preparing-to-pretend-to-enjoy-whisky-20201221203704

We brought him back from Bali on 5th December. I'd forgotten how tiring kids were.

It's a bullshit argument anyway Cheese. It's true that not all countries measure GDP in exactly the same way although a lot of the key measures are the same. When UK manufacturing declined we put forward the argument that we should weight the measurement of consumer spending as indicative of GDP - in order to maintain investor confidence in the £ and FTSE/UK PLC. Seems fair enough if the economy has changed. But when consumer spending falls as well, we can't really turn round and say GDP has "appeared to have fallen" more because of the way WE now measure it. Whatever way we measure it, when comparing each country now with how it was before using the same measures each country has used historically it's as clear as day we are performing worse than others and increasingly so since we left the EU.

We've got our 8yr old grandson here for Xmas this year, so it'll be the first early start for a few years chez Traf. It's also his 9th birthday, so double the fun for a couple of days before he flies back to Oz on Wednesday.

Exactly mate, a lot of fans can be a very miserable pessimistic bunch. Our support has been magnificent this season, the numbers we are pulling in just speaks volumes on the size of the club and fanbase. And then when you factor in our geography, 25,000+ is ridiculous. Blackburn, PNE, Blackpool, Burnley, Wigan? No chance... Pride of Lancashire Bolton Wanderers Football Club

And repeat (see what I did there @bolty58 😀) Some folk must set their alerts to go mental whenever you post As ever I’ll debate with you some of the stuff that you post that I think is shite eg Lewis Hamilton, taking the knee, etc But the juvenile, personal ,clickbait, look at me I’m jumping on the anti-bolty bandwagon shite is a sad reflection of todays social media society

I stopped drinking back in April, I was drinking far too much, I was at a wedding and was drinking 2 pints to everyone else's one and just thought "what the fuck am I doing"....From that point ive been sober as a judge, the cravings took about 6 weeks to disappear now It doesnt even bother me going out with mates and not drinking.....I wish losing weight was this easy but that's my next challenge.

Clarkson can write though, and has a turn of phase. Bolty is a simple small town bloke who has been lucky enough never to have been told he's wrong by dint of birth (he won't get that either) Unfortunately, time has caught up and middling minds with mediocre talents are now left wanting, and it's upsetting for him he's on the turn of history. Like sand, however hard he holds on it disappears and doesn't understand why. Doesn't matter, Bolty is the dim and distant past. There is a future he won't probably be around to see, and if he does he'll be shaking his fist at everything which is as ineffectual as his shouting out of the car, calling women slags etc, posting on here about socks or ranting with his mates in the Woollagong Inn. 10 years plus of being a punchline to a bad joke.

Sums up the season when the only Union that can agree a pay rise are the ones that mean the trains are disrupted due to the works.

Fair size ground. WHL?