Peter North

seems like a pub round our way by the sounds of things Do they have a gay disco night for t'WW regulars?

It's St George's Day.. It's bloody Sunny Everyone's out on the beer (and texting you) And you have to red-card yourself for an early bath for a return to work in the morning.. Bummer big time

Rumour line strongly has it that they have been booke to play Darcy Lever Crickey Club in the near future! Yowsa!!!

" and even when their kids were starving, they all thought the queen was charming.." The people who grinned themselves to death Housemartins Need I say more?

Have to agree It's morose, downbeat and hardly one that you can imagine the lads from the east stand lower regurgitating in a few weeks time. It's like Steve McLaren and the England job: The best the current FA can come up with, having such limited vision! Whow ould you have preferred for the England World Cup song?

Sunar Gaw on Manny Road. Original and best. Use to able to do a classic runner from there acroos the Burnden car-park! Anyway, which the 'otter curry a chicken tikka or a chicken tarka? Hurr hurr hurr!

Well if Allardyce is going to leave us for mid-table mediocrity in Newcastle then we better start thinking one step ahead for a replacement. Good article on Villareal in today's telegraph, their manager, some random from Chile, revitalized a shit team on a shoe-string budget by bringing in loan players, and the under-rated from South America (ie Diego Forlan, currently banging em in), and within three years got a rock-bottom second divsion club to the brink of champions league glory. Sounds like our man! Gartside, get yer cheque book out rapidly!

Let's get back to business. Would the ginger holocaust from Girls Aloud stand out if she was in the Swan on a Friday night?

Swannies on a Friday and Saturday night, usually, ahem!

Alright, she would pass what is known in these parts as the "Lever Bridge Test' meaning if she walked into my local, they would all be round her like flies round shit, but c'mon...the cold light of day!

The Little Lantern (aka "Rittle Rantern"!) on Bury Rd, opposite the Wellington

Why is it that... 1. No matter how hard you try, and no matter how close the damn thing may be, eating shit from the middle of the road, you can never ever ever manage to run over a pigeon in your car? 2. No matter how much money they throw at her, the stylists for Girls Aloud can ever, ever make the ugly ginger one look remotely attractive in any way shape or form? Answers on a postcard please!

hmm , kylie's recent cockney-skinhead crop does it for me. Pity we will never get any topless shots now!

As some of you may be aware, I'm currently enjoying a few weeks kicking back and supping the old margarita's, (on full pay I may add), but one or two things have been bothering me recently when I have been out and about.. 1. Why are the council capable of festooning cones and signs everywhere proclaiming roadworks for months on end (ie Bridgeman St), yet you never, ever see anyone working on 'em no matter what time of day or night you go through 'em? 2. Whenever I visit a branch of Maccie D's does the person in front always want at least three happy meals, and keeps everyone waiting fro bloody ages? Answers on a postcard please..

Eight - the number of hours of my life that went missing in Marseille. What happened?

Can agree with that one about the colour of me turkish delight as it slid down the pan. Having partaken in the fast food on aoffer at a variety of Marseille' s least illustrious fast food emporiums, I have been laid up all weekend being poorly sick, and now need a donut cushion for the old clackervalve. Just thought I'd share that one!

1st night:Got totally drunk, bailed out of a taxi, left Smiley in it, stormed off on me own shouting "I know where I'm going", but completely in the wrong direction, wandered round an utterly deserted city centre with not a soul in sight, and made it back to the hotel in one piece an hour or two later. Didn't get dry bummed once. Well not that I can remember. 2nd night: Left the main square about four-ish to put another layer on and the odd pair of socks. Same scenario, staggered back on me own through the raghead quarter, fell asleep on me bed, woke up forty minutes before the game. Made it to the Metro, waltzed through the hanger and blagged the best seats in the house in the free zone outside the cage. Marseille I shit harder things than you,

remember lads... EATING IS CHEATING! Not eaten anything I can remember in days, oh apart, from two decidedly dodgy zinger burgers in Liverpool city centre with the lad Smiley!

1. Eating is cheating. 2. No speaking French - at all. Under any circumstances whatsoever. It is a crime against nature. 3. No shitting on the toilet. Self explanatory. Leave your smelly poos back home in England. Have I missed out on any. Being a seasoned european veteran (ahem, ahem) I think I've covered all bases. Watching Master and Commander to get me in the mood. For St George and England. Huzzah

The House of Love - amighty band in their time. First two albums were fecking magnificent, then they lost the plot. Resurfaced recently but will never be the same. One Dove - trippy dance music. Guitarist used to be in Altered Images. Now there's another band...

How many of you have already downloaded their LP? Is it any good compared with say La's or Stone Roses first, is it up to the hype? Ahem, Can anyone do me a copy? I know I've slagged em off in t'past, but curiosity is getting the better of me!

Super Furry Animals - all their welsh language tunes on me I-pod Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Spanish Dance Troupe La's first and only LP House Of Love 2nd LP

I work with a women who was born and brought up in Marseilles, when I posed a similar question to her she repled that it is not as bad as anyone makes out. Of course there are parts of the city that you don't go to, just as you would in any other large city with a big immigrant population. The city centre and old port area are rather touristy and trouble free. Then again if you go round shouting 'Osama' at the natives and 'If it wasn't for us you'd be german' you might get what you are looking for!

Do you know Andy Blanche?

TOP LINK ALERT! www.insultmonger.com/swearing/french.htm - it is the bestest website I have been on in years. Believe me. You will be swearing like a native in no time. hurr hurr hurr : Th'Indepenent is giving away a free cd / book 'Instant French - in six weeks' over the weekend just in case any of you xenophobes fancy impressing the local talent with your patter! I'm on week three already - 'Sur Le Disco avec les ladyboys' . Top stuff. Just a thought. :-#