Youri McAnespie Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 Too small boots. Grown out of them. Skanky shinpads. Headers and volleys. Two a side. Flying keepers. Playing until darkness (not the band) made it impossible. Trying to emulate George Weah. Taking a shot that hit bost posts and went in and thinking you were Paul Gascoigne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted February 13, 2022 Members Share Posted February 13, 2022 60 seconds Red Arse Using half the court so the Asian lads could play cricket on the other sideĀ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Biggish Dave Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 Wembley singles/doubles depending on how many played. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 Was cuppies for us over this way. Think Wembleys is a wool thing. We played cropper soccer occasionally. That led to the son of Gary Briggs two footing a lad and snapping his leg in two during dinner. Like father like son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leyther_Matt Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 Wembley singles/doubles Fouling football Ten and tanners Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomski Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 22 minutes ago, gonzo said: Was cuppies for us over this way. Think Wembleys is a wool thing. We played cropper soccer occasionally. That led to the son of Gary Briggs two footing a lad and snapping his leg in two during dinner. Like father like son. Seen you use wool a couple of times recently. My understanding is itās non scousers. Is there another meaning?Ā Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Spider Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 4 minutes ago, tomski said: Seen you use wool a couple of times recently. My understanding is itās non scousers. Is there another meaning?Ā Iāve seen Gonzo doing this Its sailing very close to a scouse wind that he really should avoidā¦. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 . 1 hour ago, Rudy said: 60 seconds Red Arse Using half the court so the Asian lads could play cricket on the other sideĀ We had a cricket match against some asian lads on Walkers Field - they were dressed Like Dev in corrie, they showed us up, bowled out for about 4, we demanded a return fixture football wise and booted them off the field. Not In a racist way - just to to even the score. Ā Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted February 13, 2022 Members Share Posted February 13, 2022 Just now, Youri McAnespie said: . We had a cricket match against some asian lads on Walkers Field - they were dressed Like Dev in corrie, they showed us up, bowled out for about 4, we demanded a return fixture football wise and booted them off the field. Not In a racist way - just to to even the score. Ā Used to give the Indian lads a decent game, Ā midway through once the Pakistani lads came running on fighting the Indians. Pakistan had just beaten India in the World Cup, so decided to celebrate by having a dust up like they were on the border of KashmirĀ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 Ā Ā 5 minutes ago, Rudy said: Used to give the Indian lads a decent game, Ā midway through once the Pakistani lads came running on fighting the Indians. Pakistan had just beaten India in the World Cup, so decided to celebrate by having a dust up like they were on the border of KashmirĀ They're shite at football, when can India, Pakistan or Bangladesh feature in a World Cup - never. They bummed us a cricket but we shagged them about 13-0 in the return fixture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Feelgood Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 I wrote a long "Schoolboy Football Rules" thing many years ago.Ā I'll try to find it & post here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rudy Posted February 13, 2022 Members Share Posted February 13, 2022 23 minutes ago, Youri McAnespie said: Ā Ā They're shite at football, when can India, Pakistan or Bangladesh feature in a World Cup - never. They bummed us a cricket but we shagged them about 13-0 in the return fixture. I did used to enjoy watching the Muslim lads wearing their mosque gear lifting it up to kick the ball š Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 2 hours ago, tomski said: Seen you use wool a couple of times recently. My understanding is itās non scousers. Is there another meaning?Ā Yonners then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Feelgood Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 6 hours ago, Dr. Feelgood said: I wrote a long "Schoolboy Football Rules" thing many years ago.Ā I'll try to find it & post here. This is what I wrote, a good 15+ years ago. Some references will be out of date and a few words probably not deemed pc by some people. F'kem tbh. It's rather long, as I got carried away at the time, but it reflects my childhood pretty accurately.Ā ========================== School Football Rules Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants. There is a sliding scale from those who rush to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to finish their cup-of-tea and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". TEAM SELECTION Teams will be selected by the time honoured method of public humiliation ; - ĆĀ All players will gather in an unruly huddle. ĆĀ Two players ā nominated āCaptainsā because they are either the best players, or the biggest ānuttersā, will then take it in turns to chose players. ĆĀ This is typically done by selection of the best players first. However, it may be that, in practice, being the captainās best friend, an incredible ānutterā or just simply being hard will mean selection before a better player. Being owner of the ball offers advantages, in this respect, also. ĆĀ As players are selected they will amble over toward their captain, attempting to look at nonchalant as possible. ĆĀ Eventually there will be only a few players left for selection. These, despite initially showing keenness to be selected, will lose heart and will attempt to look like they donāt care whether they are picked or not. ĆĀ Eventually, with only 4 or 5 left to select, the rival captains may actually begin to argue about who they DONāT want in their team. ĆĀ The ultimate humiliation comes when the final 2 players are BOTH selected to go into one team. It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. SCORES The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play. In the event of there being too few available "nutters" the game will be decided on the basis of "next goal wins" even if the score at that time is 8-1 to one of the teams. Occasionally, in one-sided games, a couple of the better players from the winning team will swap sides. This is, at all times, done without communicating this to other players. A period of confusion then follows during which people will be tackling players on their own team, goals will be scored for your team by people you thought you were supposed to be marking and the āwrongā people will celebrate goals. It may take a whole session before some players (typically āpoofsā) catch-on to the changes. GOALKEEPERS If, as players wander off due to other commitments, injury or simply becoming bored there becomes an imbalance in team numbers, then the team with notably less players may use a "flying goalie". Though this goalie still may not handle the ball outside an ill-defined 'goal-area' but a covering defender may handle it in the "flying goalie's" absence, so long as he had shouted āflying goalieā before handling the ball.Ā Though the defender 'may' handle the ball, the attacking team have the right to claim vociferously that he can't and the biggest team will determine whether or not a penalty results. Goalkeepers will rotate, except for the biggest or best players, and will change after letting 3 goals in. This is, interestingly, known as ā3 and inā. āNuttersā may, occasionally, allow in 3 soft goals so they can return to the outfield. They are advised to find a āpoofā to replace them ā¦ or their younger brother. Very occasionally a player actually WANTS to be goalkeeper ā¦ all the time !!! (honest) He is likely to own a pair of goalkeeperās gloves ā¦ or at least a pair of oversized leather things he found at the local jumble-sale. These people are idiots. They should, in every other walk of life, be avoided at all costs. Their view of life is alien to that of normal people in almost every respect. They can, however, be useful in the football team. PARAMETERS The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets & jumpers, which act as goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. Goal widths are 8 āyardsā. A āyardā is a long stride. It is advised that your own goals are marked out by using a small boy to do the strides, whereas the tallest boy should stride-out the opposition goals. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out cross the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. Due to the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height. It is not required to ever establish whoās head. āChancersā and āNuttersā when taking turns in goal are to be watched at all times. They exhibit an alarming tendency to quietly kick the pile of clothes closer together. The opposing team should, occasionally, send a tall boy to again āstride-outā the goal width (see above). The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, hedges, walls, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up. There is a clear misjudgment on this if, upon returning to the main area, the winger finds that other boys have all sat down & are talking amongst themselves. A good rule of thumb is whether the ball could be kicked back to team-mates within 2 good 'wellies' (unless it's a "poof" - in which case 5 good 'wellies' are the yardstick). At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players maybe as little as eighteen inches from the ball. This is the formal response to the bellow of "yards, yards, yards ", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball. TACTICS Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas āproperā football teams tend to choose - according to circumstance - from such as 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. The above formation dictates that no outfield player is ever more than 10 yards from the ball. It is a requirement that all players follow the path of the ball. This renders pointless the cry of ā ā¦ man on ā¦ā. Equally confusing is the regular shout of ā ā¦ square ball ā¦ā. āPoofsā are utterly confused by this shout. It is patently obvious that the ball is NOT square ā¦ it is, in almost all instances, round. A ānutterā may retrieve the ball at any time by simply shouting ā ā¦ AAAAARRRR ā¦ !!!! ā in close proximity to a āpoofā. It is particularly noteworthy that the Manchester City & England player, Danny Mills, still uses this tactic to-day. STOPPAGES Much stoppage time in the āproperā games is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over. A tactical shout of ā ā¦ all pile on ā¦ā can sometimes follow a player tumbling over. At this all players ā¦ including BOTH goalkeepers must leap into a pile on top of the unfortunate player ā¦ almost always a āpoofā. For this reason ā¦ plus the fact that the surface is often tarmac ā¦ little ādivingā or āsimulationā is performed. Similarly, feigning injury is totally pointless, as the other players will, at best, totally ignore you. Other stoppages : 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is usually negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. This is known as āmugging itā. Disputes usually arise as to who should āmug itā between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory. It is a requirement that the player who does āmug itā takes care not to throw the ball back into play before they are near the playing area ā¦ otherwise the game will continue in their absence. Where playing in a fenced-in tennis court it is required that players āmugging itā fling the ball over the wire fence and then rapidly scramble under. Over time this fence will be curved over to such an extent that the two actions can be completed in one move ā¦ except by āpoofsā who never master this art and, subsequently, have to dash around to the gate which, invariably, they cannot open and so are hopelessly out of position for some while. Usually, this barely matters of course. 2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kick-about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. DO NOT engage with these boys. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. This can, on occasions, back-fire when particularly malicious older boys kick the ball out of bounds. 3. Mrs. Booth, (Menopausal old bag) confiscates ball. Note ; this is more of a threat in the street or local green kick-about than within the school walls. Mrs. Booth is a sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner who transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet "Line of Death". Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly". She never appears to recognise the contradiction in this statement. KIT Playing in school yard requires āTuffā shoes ā¦ although āWayfindersā (with compass in heel and miniature animal footprints on the sole) are also acceptable. Normal school trousers & shirt, with shirt-tail out.Ā Holes in trouser knees are advised, but not required. Boys - almost without exception āchancersā - with metal segs in heels of shoes are advised that these, though giving an impressive noise, have a tendency to lead to sliding. This is not acceptable as an excuse for poor performance. The only acceptable āsports shoeā will be Dunlop Green Flash tennis shoes (āPoofsā) or āBumpersā basketball boots (others). Trainers may be applied, but this does tend to evidence a general over-keeness and is generally ill-advised. CELEBRATION Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making the score 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross. Removal of shirts is, as in the professional game, banned. In this case, not at pain of being booked but at the risk of being nipple-tweaked by team-mates and opponents alike. Also, the sheer indignity of trying to remove the shirt and realizing that the cuff buttons are fastened & cuffs too tight to pull off resulting in the scorer running around like a failed escape artist for 3 minutes, makes the effort simply not worthwhile. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch " .... a little like "dog-years") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "f***ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "f***ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. āT-itty-Linerā can cause embarrassment if your much younger brother is playing. The advice here is ā¦ not to let your younger brother play with you (unless forced to by your mum, in which case he should be made to play in goal). Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will result in a thoroughly deserved kicking. PENALTIES At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Ā For protocols on āstriding-outā penalty spots, see above (Parameters) Goalkeepers may not move, unless the taker is known to have a very hard shot, in which case they may flinch, scrunch themselves up & whimper as the kicker begins his 22 yard run-up. This may be the case for all categories of player. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties. If any penalty is saved or missed all attacking players must shout āyou movedā loudly and persistently at the goalkeeper. This will have no effect whatsoever. OFFSIDE No offside rule - as such - will be played, though anyone (typically a āChancerā) being blatantly too far upfield will risk a wild-kick from any opponent who can reach them (see "T-itty-Liner" above). BOOKINGS & SENDINGS OFF These do not happen. In cases of blatant transgression of rules then a āChinese Burnā may be administered. CLOSE SEASON This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch. BAD WEATHER During prolonged periods of bad weather the whole group should retreat to Chris Turnerās house and play Subbuteo. This is the subject of a separate instruction leaflet. TRAINING Training consists of casual kick-abouts without sides being selected or goals set. Players may switch teams at will. Specialist training includes ever-more complex games of "wall-y" where people take it in turns at trying to hit a restricted area of Mr. Carson's gable-end. Mr. Carson is clearly related to Mrs. Booth (above) as, usually within an hour or so, he comes out and shouts at you to "... clear off & play outside your own house". Mr. Carson is a miserable old-git (at least 40) who needs to get a life. Does Mr. Carson not recall being a child himself ? Anyway, how bad can the incessant pounding be ???? However, at this point it is required that you leave the area and cease playing āwall-yā against Mr. Carsonās house for a minimum of 4 minutes. -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Cheese Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) We had some epic matches around here when I was a kid. Every lad on the estate joined in, from 6 years old right up to 16 or 17, occasionaly a couple of dads would join in. 20-a-side games that lasted 5 fucking hours and play only stopped when a scrap broke out, usually resuming again as soon as someone ran home crying. Full time was when the sun went down and the last 3 or 4 players decided "next goal wins", regardless of the long forgotten score. I have to pay for my son to have a game of football these days (on a 5G pitch mind) and they're all greedy little shits. Edited February 13, 2022 by Cheese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter MickyD Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 39 minutes ago, Dr. Feelgood said: This is what I wrote, a good 15+ years ago. Some references will be out of date and a few words probably not deemed pc by some people. F'kem tbh. It's rather long, as I got carried away at the time, but it reflects my childhood pretty accurately.Ā I can relate to every single bit of that. A brilliant piece of writing. Maybe apart from the āold manā whose gable end was the āwalley Ā wallā 40 isnāt old any more.Ā Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 Playing singles or doubles the 'keeper would be half-arsed, and biased. We'd contrive a draw to have penalties. Someone spooning it onto a school roof and match abandoned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youri McAnespie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) Wally - having heated arguments with mates over whether the ball had stopped or they said it was still trickling. One time me and this other lad bickered for weeks over whether the ball had stopped, it'd stopped and he claimed it was trickling. Edited February 13, 2022 by Youri McAnespie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Winchester White Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 Wally was ace, best game ever. Chinese arrows were my favorite, not because I could throw them but I made brilliant ones. I even had the bigger kids buying them off me. I say buying but it was usually a Mars bar or bag of crisps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Feelgood Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 43 minutes ago, MickyD said: ... 40 isnāt old any more.Ā I take it you're 40+. š It's blooming old to 10yr olds, even today. Ask some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter Cheese Posted February 13, 2022 Site Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) I've just remembered Kerby again. What a fucking genius sport that was. All you needed was a football and a road. I'm going to introduce my kids to it this half term - weather and back pain permitting (I booted a football a few days ago and heard a crunch, then was unable to walk properly for 24 hours). Edited February 14, 2022 by Cheese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 Kerby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Casino Posted February 13, 2022 Moderators Share Posted February 13, 2022 Thanks Was starting to wind me up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Faustus Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 Do Bolton schools still have a team at u13 level? (Thinly veiled) My lad has been selected for Salford Schoolboys next season, but understand Wanderers can be a bit shitty about releasing their lads to play- is representative football a secondary thing now? Guessing @Pablo might have an idea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
royal white Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 2 hours ago, Dr Faustus said: Do Bolton schools still have a team at u13 level? (Thinly veiled) My lad has been selected for Salford Schoolboys next season, but understand Wanderers can be a bit shitty about releasing their lads to play- is representative football a secondary thing now? Guessing @Pablo might have an idea Top efforts from your lad and Lucas, I believe the standard was very high. šš» Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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