Some time ago Bill Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Joke????

Joke????

Go on then smart arse. You tell one!

Irish bloke is giving a jewish girl one, he says for a jewish girl you're not very tight, she says and for a paddy you're not very thick

 

:-$

Irish bloke is giving a jewish girl one, he says for a jewish girl you're not very tight,  she says and for a paddy you're not very thick

 

:-$

 

I'm waiting!

Irish bloke is giving a jewish girl one, he says for a jewish girl you're not very tight,  she says and for a paddy you're not very thick

 

:-$

 

I'm waiting!

 

wait long enough and five will come along at once

 

O:)

George W Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell, where the

devil was waiting for him at the gates.

 

"I just don't know what to do," said the devil. "You're on my list,

but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, though,

so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I have three folks here who

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one go, but you must take that

person's place . . . and I'll even let you decide who leaves."

 

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 

The devil opened a door in the wall, and there was Richard Nixon

and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed

over and over again. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No!" Bush said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I

don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to another door and opened it. Behind it was

Tony Blair, with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All that he

did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.

 

"No!" said Bush. "I have a problem with my shoulder, and I'd be

in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day."

 

The devil opened a third door. Behind it, Bush saw Bill Clinton,

lying on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs

staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing

what she did best.

 

"Wow," said Bush, looking in disbelief for a while; finally he

said,"Yep . . . I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled.

 

"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

The dodo died. then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton

when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a

goat.

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite

flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..

Self-raising?"

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.

I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.

You can take the Girl out of Cork...

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.

Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both

a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent

most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you join

the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a f**king plumber".

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a

tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of

fire. They're trained for that.

The dodo died. then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.  

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?  

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton  

when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.  

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a  

goat.  

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,  

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite  

flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..  

Self-raising?"  

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and  

punched someone in the face.  

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.  

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.  

I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".  

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.  

You can take the Girl out of Cork...  

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.  

Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.  

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both  

a winner and a loser at the same time.  

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.  

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent  

most of our family holidays in Customs.  

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.  

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".  

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you join  

the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a f**king plumber".  

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.  

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"  

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.  

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.  

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a  

tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of  

fire. They're trained for that.

 

Bravo Encore More Fuckin' Brilliant

Credit should go to the original comedians! who they were pilferd from! sorry to burst you bubble BWFC boy but. most of the quotes plus comedian are here!

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was

never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep

at night.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people

were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

 

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was

two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,

"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but

we're not going to get much done."

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

 

 

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking

he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

 

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because

eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you

murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched

someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

 

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl

out of Cork...

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out

it was a bloody hoax.

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our

family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

 

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind

legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're

enjoying it as well.

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

 

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the

circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green at C34

 

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

 

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got

one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

 

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very

good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

 

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then

on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for

that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

 

 

 

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:

"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

Arnold Brown at The Stand

two pubic hairs on a toilet seat, one said

"how long do we have to wait here for?"

to a reply of "until we get pissed off"

 

now that's a joke!

Credit should go to the original comedians! who they were pilferd from! sorry to burst you bubble BWFC boy but. most of the quotes plus comedian are here!

 

 

errmm. i never actually said i made them up myself