Liverpool Football Club have re-arranged their end of season dinner at short notice It is now tonight if anyone fancys it?

MENU:

 

STARTER: Sour Grapes

 

MAIN COURSE: Plaice (might be third)

 

PUDDING: selection from Pennant, Voronin, Arbeloa & Lucas

 

Followed by hard cheese and biscuits, drinks will be available but no doubles or triples or Carling Premier. There is also a fine selection of whines available from the fat Spanish waiter Benitez.........

My sister sent me this one....

 

Sex life is like the lottery, same old balls, no chance of a sixty nine and it ends up rolling over.............

Another one - Liverpool win the premier League.

 

That's it.

Michael Jackson was bathing his son and the son says ,

" dad why are our dicks not the same" he replies ,

"well for a start son youve not got a hard on"

3 year old washing his testicles

"Mum are these my brians"

"Not yet " mum replies

What were Rod Hull's last words?

 

Grab hold of that fucking gutter, Emu!

Was walking through town before when this random student type woman stopped me in the street and started telling me a joke.

 

It had all the ingredients of a good joke... child abuse, incestual rape, tears and suffering, but I didnt understand the punchline…

 

Something about 2 pounds a month??

Edited May 22, 200917 yr by Totty

Strachan goes to heaven and God shows him to his place of rest.It a massive house done up in green and white with papal pictures on the walls. 'Luvly' says WGS but then he looks out the window and see this red, white and blue house twice the size of his right next door to him with Rangers flags flying from the roof and a picture of the 1972 cup winners team on the wall.

WGS turns to God and asks him 'Is that Walter Smiths house?' to which God replies 'Don't be daft, it's mine!!'

Because of the large number of stabbings in Rome, all flights from Manchester to Rome have been cancelled...

Both United fans are said to be distraught.

Bear walks into a Bar and rests at the counter????..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barman says, ?Why the big pause?.

Alan Shearer, the worst caretaker since.......

Alan Shearer, the worst caretaker since.......

 

 

Ian Huntley

Ian Huntley

 

Quality!

Unbelievable, Only the Magpies could get away with this....

 

Some eagle eyed Geordie has noticed that there points total is wrong by a point which means they should actually go

 

above Hull. For some obscure reason the point the gained against West Brom in November didnt go on ther points tally.

 

Check it out on the net, its right. The Mags appealled to the FA late last night and if their claim is found correct it will send

 

Hull down retrospectively............................

 

 

 

Carlsberg dont do texts for delusional Geordies who still think they can stop up, but if they did it would be the best text in

 

the world...................................

What do the 54,000 women who suffer domestic violence each year in Britain have in common ?

 

 

 

 

 

They dont fucking listen........................

Sky Sports Breaking News:

 

Newcastle United has announced that next year's shirt sponsor will be Tampax.

 

A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a bunch of cnuts going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."

Billy Bobbit

 

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

 

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got ?9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well a s your old one, better in fact.

 

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

 

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out.. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.

 

So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

 

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

 

The doctor comes back the next day.

 

'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

 

'I have.' says the chap.

 

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

 

'Yes, she has' he says.

 

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

 

'We're having a new kitchen.'