3.30am I was woken by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf had been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
6am Left PG sleeping like a log and went downstairs to make a brew. Turned on the tv. I hoped to see myself but then realised I was at home in my pyjamas. I???ll try again in a few minutes.
7am After a light breakfast of four spit-roasted pigs and a barrel of ale I went into the study to read my lines for my forthcoming Doctor Who audition. I know I can do better than Billie Piper, if only I could get this blonde wig to stay straight. These support tights are working wonders on my figure though.
9am I am rudely interrupted watching highlights of my recent tv appearances by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
10.30am Arrive for a meeting with my agent. He???s lined up appearances on A Question of Sport, They Think It???s All Over, The F Word, Blue Peter, 6 o???clock News, 9 o???clock News, 10 o???clock News, Sky Sports News, High 5, The Littlest Hobo, Property Ladder and a cameo in Neighbours. I was also offered a part in the new series of Celebrity Fat Club but I think this must have been a mistake.
12pm Stop off at McDonalds for a brief lunch. I beat my record of 38 Big Macs in one sitting. Was dismayed to see McDonalds offering salads. What is the world coming to? I had to have 16 apple pies to get over the shock.
1.00pm Get a surprise call from Sir Alex Ferguson wanting to offload Ruud van Nistelrooy to Bolton. Apparently the player wants to stay in the North West. I can have the player for ??2 million as Fergie wants rid quickly. I tell Fergie there is no room for a proven goalscorer in my team. Fergie calls me a ???plank??? and hangs up. I can understand his frustration, I was equally annoyed when my so-called mate Steve Bruce turned down my ??8.5million bid for Emile Heskey last week.
2.00pm Arrive home to find Jared Borgetti???s agent on my doorstep. I hate Mexicans. It all stems back to my childhood when a Mexican girl at school kept picking on me. She might have been 4 years younger but she made my life a misery. I don???t think it was that unusual for a 10 year old to have 6 chins. Anyway, I have taken my revenge. I bought Borgetti just to have him warm my seat before every game. ??1million for a human rug, revenge is sweet.
2.30pm Ring my source at The Mirror to inform him that Steve McLaren is a dogger. I will get that England job one way or another.
3.00pm Am rudely interrupted again, this time I???m in the middle of writing a new after-match interview script blaming the referee. It???s the cops again and El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested in HomeBase. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
3.30pm Get ready for my tea-time appearance on Richard & July. PG helps me slip into my tightest trousers. I look like John Travolta.
5.00pm I enjoy my 10 minute slot on Richard & Judy. Judy flirts with me the whole time, God I???m such a fanny magnet. I don???t say a lot as I don???t know much about obesity, I really don???t know why they invited me.
6.00pm Meet PG and Little Sam for dinner at the Last Drop Village. Little Sam asks me why I didn???t attend training today. I have no idea what he is on about. Doesn???t he realise I don???t have time for such trivial matters? I outlined the tactics 4 years ago and nothing has changed. I don???t need to be there.
I have everything on the menu. Twice. I am so lucky to have such great metabolism.
8.00pm Receive some bad news. The BBC have already cast Emma Pierson as the new Doctor Who totty. I am very disappointed, they should have at least had the courtesy to see what I can do. I???m not having a good week as I have already been turned down for Big Brother because I am too ???freaky???. I presume that is a modern word for intelligent. Still, I???m hopeful for the new series of X-Factor ??? I have exactly what it takes to be the next Shayne Ward.
10.00pm Receive a phoncall from the police while PG is soaping my back in the bath. El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested for drink driving. I tell the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing. I think they have it in for El-Hadji.
11.30pm Fall asleep watching my recent appearance in Eastenders. I thought I was great as Fat Pat???s stand-in.
3.30am I was woken by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf had been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
6am Left PG sleeping like a log and went downstairs to make a brew. Turned on the tv. I hoped to see myself but then realised I was at home in my pyjamas. I???ll try again in a few minutes.
7am After a light breakfast of four spit-roasted pigs and a barrel of ale I went into the study to read my lines for my forthcoming Doctor Who audition. I know I can do better than Billie Piper, if only I could get this blonde wig to stay straight. These support tights are working wonders on my figure though.
9am I am rudely interrupted watching highlights of my recent tv appearances by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
10.30am Arrive for a meeting with my agent. He???s lined up appearances on A Question of Sport, They Think It???s All Over, The F Word, Blue Peter, 6 o???clock News, 9 o???clock News, 10 o???clock News, Sky Sports News, High 5, The Littlest Hobo, Property Ladder and a cameo in Neighbours. I was also offered a part in the new series of Celebrity Fat Club but I think this must have been a mistake.
12pm Stop off at McDonalds for a brief lunch. I beat my record of 38 Big Macs in one sitting. Was dismayed to see McDonalds offering salads. What is the world coming to? I had to have 16 apple pies to get over the shock.
1.00pm Get a surprise call from Sir Alex Ferguson wanting to offload Ruud van Nistelrooy to Bolton. Apparently the player wants to stay in the North West. I can have the player for ??2 million as Fergie wants rid quickly. I tell Fergie there is no room for a proven goalscorer in my team. Fergie calls me a ???plank??? and hangs up. I can understand his frustration, I was equally annoyed when my so-called mate Steve Bruce turned down my ??8.5million bid for Emile Heskey last week.
2.00pm Arrive home to find Jared Borgetti???s agent on my doorstep. I hate Mexicans. It all stems back to my childhood when a Mexican girl at school kept picking on me. She might have been 4 years younger but she made my life a misery. I don???t think it was that unusual for a 10 year old to have 6 chins. Anyway, I have taken my revenge. I bought Borgetti just to have him warm my seat before every game. ??1million for a human rug, revenge is sweet.
2.30pm Ring my source at The Mirror to inform him that Steve McLaren is a dogger. I will get that England job one way or another.
3.00pm Am rudely interrupted again, this time I???m in the middle of writing a new after-match interview script blaming the referee. It???s the cops again and El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested in HomeBase. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.
3.30pm Get ready for my tea-time appearance on Richard & July. PG helps me slip into my tightest trousers. I look like John Travolta.
5.00pm I enjoy my 10 minute slot on Richard & Judy. Judy flirts with me the whole time, God I???m such a fanny magnet. I don???t say a lot as I don???t know much about obesity, I really don???t know why they invited me.
6.00pm Meet PG and Little Sam for dinner at the Last Drop Village. Little Sam asks me why I didn???t attend training today. I have no idea what he is on about. Doesn???t he realise I don???t have time for such trivial matters? I outlined the tactics 4 years ago and nothing has changed. I don???t need to be there.
I have everything on the menu. Twice. I am so lucky to have such great metabolism.
8.00pm Receive some bad news. The BBC have already cast Emma Pierson as the new Doctor Who totty. I am very disappointed, they should have at least had the courtesy to see what I can do. I???m not having a good week as I have already been turned down for Big Brother because I am too ???freaky???. I presume that is a modern word for intelligent. Still, I???m hopeful for the new series of X-Factor ??? I have exactly what it takes to be the next Shayne Ward.
10.00pm Receive a phoncall from the police while PG is soaping my back in the bath. El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested for drink driving. I tell the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing. I think they have it in for El-Hadji.
11.30pm Fall asleep watching my recent appearance in Eastenders. I thought I was great as Fat Pat???s stand-in.