3.30am I was woken by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf had been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.

 

6am Left PG sleeping like a log and went downstairs to make a brew. Turned on the tv. I hoped to see myself but then realised I was at home in my pyjamas. I???ll try again in a few minutes.

 

7am After a light breakfast of four spit-roasted pigs and a barrel of ale I went into the study to read my lines for my forthcoming Doctor Who audition. I know I can do better than Billie Piper, if only I could get this blonde wig to stay straight. These support tights are working wonders on my figure though.

 

9am I am rudely interrupted watching highlights of my recent tv appearances by a phonecall from Greater Manchester Police informing me El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested. I didn???t bother asking what for. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.

 

10.30am Arrive for a meeting with my agent. He???s lined up appearances on A Question of Sport, They Think It???s All Over, The F Word, Blue Peter, 6 o???clock News, 9 o???clock News, 10 o???clock News, Sky Sports News, High 5, The Littlest Hobo, Property Ladder and a cameo in Neighbours. I was also offered a part in the new series of Celebrity Fat Club but I think this must have been a mistake.

 

12pm Stop off at McDonalds for a brief lunch. I beat my record of 38 Big Macs in one sitting. Was dismayed to see McDonalds offering salads. What is the world coming to? I had to have 16 apple pies to get over the shock.

 

1.00pm Get a surprise call from Sir Alex Ferguson wanting to offload Ruud van Nistelrooy to Bolton. Apparently the player wants to stay in the North West. I can have the player for ??2 million as Fergie wants rid quickly. I tell Fergie there is no room for a proven goalscorer in my team. Fergie calls me a ???plank??? and hangs up. I can understand his frustration, I was equally annoyed when my so-called mate Steve Bruce turned down my ??8.5million bid for Emile Heskey last week.

 

2.00pm Arrive home to find Jared Borgetti???s agent on my doorstep. I hate Mexicans. It all stems back to my childhood when a Mexican girl at school kept picking on me. She might have been 4 years younger but she made my life a misery. I don???t think it was that unusual for a 10 year old to have 6 chins. Anyway, I have taken my revenge. I bought Borgetti just to have him warm my seat before every game. ??1million for a human rug, revenge is sweet.

 

2.30pm Ring my source at The Mirror to inform him that Steve McLaren is a dogger. I will get that England job one way or another.

 

3.00pm Am rudely interrupted again, this time I???m in the middle of writing a new after-match interview script blaming the referee. It???s the cops again and El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested in HomeBase. Told the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing.

 

3.30pm Get ready for my tea-time appearance on Richard & July. PG helps me slip into my tightest trousers. I look like John Travolta.

 

5.00pm I enjoy my 10 minute slot on Richard & Judy. Judy flirts with me the whole time, God I???m such a fanny magnet. I don???t say a lot as I don???t know much about obesity, I really don???t know why they invited me.

 

6.00pm Meet PG and Little Sam for dinner at the Last Drop Village. Little Sam asks me why I didn???t attend training today. I have no idea what he is on about. Doesn???t he realise I don???t have time for such trivial matters? I outlined the tactics 4 years ago and nothing has changed. I don???t need to be there.

 

I have everything on the menu. Twice. I am so lucky to have such great metabolism.

 

8.00pm Receive some bad news. The BBC have already cast Emma Pierson as the new Doctor Who totty. I am very disappointed, they should have at least had the courtesy to see what I can do. I???m not having a good week as I have already been turned down for Big Brother because I am too ???freaky???. I presume that is a modern word for intelligent. Still, I???m hopeful for the new series of X-Factor ??? I have exactly what it takes to be the next Shayne Ward.

 

10.00pm Receive a phoncall from the police while PG is soaping my back in the bath. El-Hadji Diouf has been arrested for drink driving. I tell the police the club backs Diouf 100% and informed them of his rough upbringing. I think they have it in for El-Hadji.

 

11.30pm Fall asleep watching my recent appearance in Eastenders. I thought I was great as Fat Pat???s stand-in.

E minus.

 

Rubbish

I thought it was amusing.

D - the effort was there

 

PB

E minus.

 

Rubbish

 

You are too kind Micky. Far too kind. It has a complex.

Despite myself - the image of Gartside soaping Sam's back made me titter.

Overall C- as marks are being awarded.

B-

 

Natasha shows promise, but really must try harder when cleaning the bogs

not bad

 

I'll give her one

B- (On the hope that Natasha has learnt to use cut & paste whilst at her adult learning classes)

 

But one question.

Richard & July

Is this some daytime show on a Sky channel?

Meh fairly interesting, B for effort, D- for attainment

I thought it was amusing.

 

Have to agree - showing promise but needs to provide more variety on the subject matter. C+

B- (On the hope that Natasha has learnt to use cut & paste whilst at her adult learning classes)

 

But one question.

Richard & July

Is this some daytime show on a Sky channel?

 

I spend 10 minutes of my life entertaining you and still you have to pick fault for one slip of the fingers.

 

I???ve had people offer me money for my work and you lot get it free!

I???ve had people offer me money for my work and you lot get it free!

 

Aye, they'll do that down Shifnall Street.

Aye, they'll do that down Shifnall Street.

 

Is this "Shifnall Street" you speak of where all the rich people live. Perhaps I should buy a flat there?

 

Aye, they'll do that down Shifnall Street.

 

Is this "Shifnall Street" you speak of where all the rich people live. Perhaps I should buy a flat there?

 

Dunno, I live in Manc.

 

Aye, they'll do that down Shifnall Street.

 

Is this "Shifnall Street" you speak of where all the rich people live. Perhaps I should buy a flat there?

 

It has its own BMW dealership!

Then it is definitely for me.

Then it is definitely for me.

 

cant argue wi that love!

I got bored after the first sentence. You really don't have a life.

Then it is definitely for me.

 

I think I've seen you there, do you have dirty knees and ripped tights?

Must admit found it quite amusing.

When do you find time to think and type all these up, would take me ages. #-o

Must admit found it quite amusing.

When do you find time to think and type all these up, would take me ages. #-o

 

I think she's normally cleaned the hotel rooms for new check-ins by 12pm...

shifnall 'ladies' only work nights...

Quality, made me laugh!

Must admit found it quite amusing.

When do you find time to think and type all these up, would take me ages. #-o

 

I am committed to this site and BWFC. I find the time.

I found that rather funny

 

It also confirmed my belief that natasha is actually a fella.