SOMEONE JUST SENT THESE TO ME. DISTASTEFUL AND OFFENSIVE.

I DON'T CONDONE RACISM, SEXISM OR JOKES ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE.

 

 

 

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"

A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last ragging white man to be called Winston!"

 

 

I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

 

 

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.

 

 

 

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

 

 

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

 

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

 

 

Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.

 

 

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in asianstan.

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

 

 

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

 

 

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now fcuk off you red ginger!"

 

 

A girl is watching her father shower.

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

 

 

 

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "ragging hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

 

 

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

 

 

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

 

!

 

Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree.

"So what did you get?" Says the first.

"I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?"

"I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy."

"Is that it?"

"Well yeah, but I don't have leukemia"

 

 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

 

 

 

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He?s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he?s shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy?s balls off the wet floor!!"

 

 

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

asianstan???

SOMEONE JUST SENT THESE TO ME. DISTASTEFUL AND OFFENSIVE.

I DON'T CONDONE RACISM, SEXISM OR JOKES ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE.

 

 

 

 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

 

I'm telling that one! (as a joke, not a confession)

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse

 

why is it that them jokes always make me smile? am i a racist?

Some quality ones there!!!

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says:

'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me,

I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big

orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

 

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me

asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a

lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

 

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first

wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.'

So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking

at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said:

'I'd like a wallet with $1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it

can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be

replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what

will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half

my head to be a big orange.'

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says:

'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me,

I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big

orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

 

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me

asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a

lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

 

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first

wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.'

So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking

at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said:

'I'd like a wallet with $1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it

can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be

replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what

will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half

my head to be a big orange.'

 

I don't get that

why is it that them jokes always make me smile? am i a racist?

Not necc, it's just funny

I demand this thread be removed for false advertising

 

I've not seen one offensive joke yet

 

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "ragging hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

 

Fantastic

I don't get that

don't worry, neither do I