Smiley Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 Tell me this is not a SEB moment.... I HAVE recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think? D Barclay Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley, Barnsley One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b*st*rds. Tracey Cusick, Cumbria How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Headingley The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail With reference to that series "Man***t" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to ***t down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of ***qis in the ***ting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie Tate Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 Certainly is a Bextor moment but a completely worthwhile one. Dear Viz, I get fed up at the stereotype that all waggon drivers are rapists. I used to be a waggon driver and I'm currently doing life for 3 murders, not rapes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Underpants Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 They say 'a watched pot never boils'. What nonsence. My wife filled a pot with water and I sat and watched it boil in exactly 4mins 35 secs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traf Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traf Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 ONE day I phoned my son in Australia to have a chat. However, I must have dialled the wrong number, as it was answered by a young lady. I apologised, and we had a little chat. The following day, I phoned the same wrong number and got the young lady again. How we laughed at my silly mistake. That was twenty years ago. Although we have never met, we have become firm friends and I call her every single day. She always loves to hear my news. Edna Brakespear, Burnley I LIVE in Australia and twenty years ago some stupid old cow in Britain got me out of bed at three in the morning after dialling a wrong number. She did it again the next day. In fact, she's phoned me at the same time every day since, and I have to stand there for half an hour while she prattles on about her son. I just haven't got the heart to tell her to fcuk off. If only she'd hurry up and die I might get a good night's sleep. Sharleen Ramsey, Alice Springs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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