I used to work in B&Q but I got sacked. It wasn't my fault, this bloke came in and said 'I want decking ' so I decked him

Is it 1997?

 

I said I was home alone. Getting pissed now

I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:

 

"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby."

 

"It was a typo" she said, "I'm really into walking, please pull your trousers up."

Did you put talking?

Waltzing?

Yadda yadda yadda.

Some old uns amongst this lot but one or two raised a smile:-

 

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the

night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it

home OK!

 

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last

night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell

disaster.

 

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I

should have taken them off.

 

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as

she likes to call it.

 

 

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going

to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,

I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “fuck it, soldier on!”

 

 

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got

downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves

breakfast until 11:30.

 

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last

night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,

"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

 

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic

100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

 

 

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I

masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous

brothers.”

 

 

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this

country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look

like she's moving during sex.

Some bastad in a Billy Smart's Circus van cut me up on the way home.

 

 

 

Fuckin clown

Thats better than Boltys effort.

Some bastad in a Billy Smart's Circus van cut me up on the way home.

 

 

 

Fuckin clown

 

Blind school out on a roadtrip, after about 2 hours teacher thinks it's about time the kids had a break, spotting a pub teacher thinks perfeect beer garden for kids, teacher goes in orders all the drinks, barman asks who are all these for, teacher replies I am a teacher at the blind school and I am on a roadtrip with the kids, barman asks is it not a bit dangerous to leave blind kids outside on their own, no replies teacher they are playing football, barman in hysterics asks how is it possible, ah says teacher I have a special ball made for them, it's full of bells so they just folloow the sound of the bells, as he says that a man comes running in asking who's in charge of the blind kids, me says as the teacher why whats wrong, well you better get out there they're kicking fuck out of a morris dancer

Thats better than Boltys effort.

 

Everything is

I see this horsemeat scandal is getting out of hand now. It's even effected B&Q wooden flooring. They've found traces of laminate...

got twatted off a martial arts expert last night

 

i thought he said he was a Ken Dodd fan