Got an email today to our 'vacanies' email address.

 

Subject:Possible third year placement for an undergraduate

 

Hello,

 

I was just wondering if XXX had any vacancies for students searching for a third year placement.

 

Thanks,

 

XXXX XXXXXXXXXX

 

Now let this be a valuable lesson to you fucking numpties out there who are thinking about growing some bollocks soon and getting out into the big wide world.

 

First of all, it might be an idea to let a potential employer know who the fucking hell you are, what you are doing, and what your career intentions and ambitions are. This lad could be doing basket weaving for all I know. He might want to be a brain surgeon. He want might be a civil engineer. How the fuck do I know with a shitpot request like this?

 

Secondly, attach a CV. A proper one. Facebook profiles and the like do not count. Neat, tidy, easy to read. And DO NOT use silly fonts or colours. It is a professional document, not a fucking valentines card you would expect an 8 year old to write.

Thirdly, if you stacked shelves in Asda or mopped puke off the floor of your local takeaway, tell me. I want to know if you loz in bed 6 days a week during your 'full time' studies. It matter not what you have done, it is demonstrating the willingness to get off your lazy pale lardy student arse and graft.

 

 

If you cannot get that right then I don't care how fucking clever you might think you are, the first impression I have is 'numpty'. You are hence pretty much unemployable so don't fucking whine when you're the most over educated man on the cabbage picking farm.

 

So dont bother wasting time and money on fancy courses and seminars. Waste of fucking time. Follow these three simple steps and you will be in the top 10% of applicants straight away because 90% of the shite I receive appears to come from illiterate primary school children on some sort of fucking idiots register.

'vacanies'

 

But that aside there are other glaring mistakes in that, which is quite unbelievable for correspondence of so little worth.

 

When you put 'dear Smiffs (or whoever)' in a letter, you DO NOT USE A FUCKING COMMA. Nor do you use a fucking comma after 'Yours sincerely.' Not a lot of people know that, but it grips my shit. Straight in the bin marked 'horsewank.'

 

And fucking 'Hello' and 'Thanks' in what should be a formal fucking letter??? Go round to his address and kick his head in.

 

I'd write back and tell him he needs to give his head a shake. Then, write to his college or his university or whatever it is and tell them they ought to teach some basic skills of this type so as they may create employable human beings out of these wretches.

 

Ooooh, fucking hell. Four months in the desert dealing with retards fucking brings this on. I need a rest. Nurse...

Yea, kick their head in. That'd sort it...

 

Got an email today to our 'vacanies' email address.

 

 

 

Now let this be a valuable lesson to you fucking numpties out there who are thinking about growing some bollocks soon and getting out into the big wide world.

 

First of all, it might be an idea to let a potential employer know who the fucking hell you are, what you are doing, and what your career intentions and ambitions are. This LAD could be doing basket weaving for all I know. He might want to be a brain surgeon. He want might be a civil engineer. How the fuck do I know with a shitpot request like this?

 

Secondly, attach a CV. A proper one. Facebook profiles and the like do not count. Neat, tidy, easy to read. And DO NOT use silly fonts or colours. It is a professional document, not a fucking valentines card you would expect an 8 year old to write.

Thirdly, if you stacked shelves in Asda or mopped puke off the floor of your local takeaway, tell me. I want to know if you loz in bed 6 days a week during your 'full time' studies. It matter not what you have done, it is demonstrating the willingness to get off your lazy pale lardy student arse and graft.

 

 

If you cannot get that right then I don't care how fucking clever you might think you are, the first impression I have is 'numpty'. You are hence pretty much unemployable so don't fucking whine when you're the most over educated man on the cabbage picking farm.

 

So dont bother wasting time and money on fancy courses and seminars. Waste of fucking time. Follow these three simple steps and you will be in the top 10% of applicants straight away because 90% of the shite I receive appears to come from illiterate primary school children on some sort of fucking idiots register.

 

might be a bird though,

 

have you thought about that

I dont fancy pawing a wench called Rhys.

 

 

 

 

got a cv posted though the post t'other week,

 

i facebook'd her name, compared a few facts and figures with her cv to match her up.

 

decided she was a dog, so didnt offer an interview.

 

am i a complete cunt?

 

 

 

Full of advice for youngsters today.

1. Write a decent cv.

2. Cancel your facebook.

I've been sending out loads recently, half of them never get a reply but understandable really as there will be so many people emailing about jobs.

 

What line of work are you in Smiffs?

got a cv posted though the post t'other week,

 

i facebook'd her name, compared a few facts and figures with her cv to match her up.

 

decided she was a dog, so didnt offer an interview.

 

am i a complete cunt?

 

Eh? What facts and figures would you find on facebook?

Full of advice for youngsters today.

1. Write a decent cv.

2. Cancel your facebook.

Or make it so no one can see the profile without being a "friend"

Eh? What facts and figures would you find on facebook?

 

name, dob, college, uni, town, current, employer.

I've been sending out loads recently, half of them never get a reply but understandable really as there will be so many people emailing about jobs.

 

What line of work are you in Smiffs?

 

 

Does it matter what line of work he's in.

 

The point is, put some effort in and show you are genuinely interested, even if you aren't.

Does it matter what line of work he's in.

 

The point is, put some effort in and show you are genuinely interested, even if you aren't.

 

Yes, because it could possibly be something I am after?

I've been sending out loads recently, half of them never get a reply but understandable really as there will be so many people emailing about jobs.

 

What line of work are you in Smiffs?

 

We dig holes and put concrete in them.

 

Every application or enquiry I receive gets a response, even if its a quick email saying thanks etc.

 

One reason is courtesy, the other is that individual may one day become a customer.

 

Even the dick who emailed today will get a reply.

We dig holes and put concrete in them.

 

Every application or enquiry I receive gets a response, even if its a quick email saying thanks etc.

 

One reason is courtesy, the other is that individual may one day become a customer.

 

Even the dick who emailed today will get a reply.

 

That's good of you, it's nice to get a reply. Thing is many places won't reply and will see how much you pester them to gauge how much you really want to work there. Well in Motorsport/Automotive Engineering anyway.

Yes, because it could possibly be something I am after?

 

 

Fair enough, i was under the impression you were talking about sending random e mails.

 

Anyway, good luck

Do you give a reply saying thanks but no thanks or do you give them a constructive critique if their application is poor?

Fair enough, i was under the impression you were talking about sending random e mails.

 

Anyway, good luck

 

Cheers, could do with it really!

 

I send a letter, and attach my CV. Letter just talking about my experience and education in brief. CV I have just done again as the previous was long winded. Short and straight to the point.

 

Also putting together a "log book" of work I've under taken.

Cheers, could do with it really!

 

I send a letter, and attach my CV. Letter just talking about my experience and education in brief. CV I have just done again as the previous was long winded. Short and straight to the point.

 

Also putting together a "log book" of work I've under taken.

 

 

Try summat different, creative sounds mad as fook but heard a story bout a job at a surf shop and a guy sent his cv on a surf board, dont send the same cv to everyone try to taylor it to the relevance of the job, obvioustly you cannot chnage the main parts but be creative folks get thousands of cv's the different ones stand out more

Cheers, could do with it really!

 

I send a letter, and attach my CV. Letter just talking about my experience and education in brief. CV I have just done again as the previous was long winded. Short and straight to the point.

 

Also putting together a "log book" of work I've under taken.

 

With your letter, cut the guff. Whilst you may be proud of your achivements as a boy scout its not at the forefront of an application. That goes into the back of the CV under hobbies, achievements etc. This is where your log book comes in too.

 

But make sure you back it up with a professional CV that does not have pictures, squggles, or colourful lines on. Some of the Word templates knocking about are horrific.

 

In your application letter, bullet points is one way of getting to the point. Half a dozen, tops. The employer gets lots of these and at best will skim read them to start with. I'm sure there is some fucking ologist who has worked out that the average employer spends 12.3 seconds looking at an application for the first time before his attention moves on. He's probably right too.

 

If you create a good initial impression then the employer is more likely to delve into the kind of person you are once you have his attention - not the other way around.

 

So get your letter neat, presentable, good clear font (ariel 11 or times 12), get the address and date in the right place, address it Dear Sirs (you have not met 'them' yet so it is Sirs, when you are more familar it is Sir, when you've been to Prague with him and doubled up on a tom it's Dear Mick (or whatever)) and give them 5 clear short bullet points of who you are, what you do, what your ambitions are, and why you want the job.

Cheers lads, appreciated.

 

Letter is just work experience that is revelent to the job, and what I'm doing at the moment. See what comes of it, and will keep you updated.

 

Cheers.

Do you give a reply saying thanks but no thanks or do you give them a constructive critique if their application is poor?

 

Usually its thanks but no thanks (for random enquiries), sometimes I will give some advice if the kid looks like he has potential or i know of something available elsewhere. But an email costs nowt, 2 minutes of someones time.

 

For posts we have advertised for we 'score them', file them, and then send out a standard written reply to every unsuccesful application.

 

Not doing so opens employers up for all sorts of cranks to claim discrimination etc.

 

Going off on a tangent, its one reason why I fucking despise the unions. The employment law is there, stacked up in favour of the employee before he's even got the fucking job. There is no need for these parasitic commie bastards to get involved.

So get your letter neat, presentable, good clear font (ariel 11 or times 12), get the address and date in the right place, address it Dear Sirs (you have not met 'them' yet so it is Sirs, when you are more familar it is Sir, when you've been to Prague with him and doubled up on a tom it's Dear Mick (or whatever)) and give them 5 clear short bullet points of who you are, what you do, what your ambitions are, and why you want the job.

 

Is that reet now Smiffs? When I last applied for a job (1998) I was told it was always Sir/Madam or if it is a male orientated job then Sir only - you don't write a letter for two people to read at the same time so Sirs is a no-go?

Is that reet now Smiffs? When I last applied for a job (1998) I was told it was always Sir/Madam or if it is a male orientated job then Sir only - you don't write a letter for two people to read at the same time so Sirs is a no-go?

 

I'm going back in time here when my old boss (a strict man who could spend 3 days drawing the post elaborate North Piont) sat me down and made me rewrite nearly every letter I wrote for about a month until I got it correct.

 

You use 'Dear Sirs' if you are writing to an organisation whom with you have had no previous dealings and hold no particular relationship with.

 

For example, if I was writing to a planning officer for the first time then I would address it to The Director of Environment Services (or whatever the head honco is), Bolton Corpy, Bolton Street, Bolton, and then start 'Dear SIrs' because I am writing to the lot of them and not an individual.

 

Once you know someone formally then I'd still start with The Director of Environment Services' etc, but add FAO Mr G Wart after the address before starting with 'Dear Sir'.

 

When you've both bummed his wife at a New Years Eve party, it's Dear Bob.

I'm going back in time here when my old boss (a strict man who could spend 3 days drawing the post elaborate North Piont) sat me down and made me rewrite nearly every letter I wrote for about a month until I got it correct.

 

You use 'Dear Sirs' if you are writing to an organisation whom with you have had no previous dealings and hold no particular relationship with.

 

For example, if I was writing to a planning officer for the first time then I would address it to The Director of Environment Services (or whatever the head honco is), Bolton Corpy, Bolton Street, Bolton, and then start 'Dear SIrs' because I am writing to the lot of them and not an individual.

 

Once you know someone formally then I'd still start with The Director of Environment Services' etc, but add FAO Mr G Wart after the address before starting with 'Dear Sir'.

 

When you've both bummed his wife at a New Years Eve party, it's Dear Bob.

 

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