February 16, 201214 yr Ive been asked to say a few words at my friends wedding ( this may be an issue...note the word 'few') So, i have now got the 'best woman speech' in 8 days. Er...help!!!! Whats ok and whats not? Do i say ' i fondly remember the time when i lived above a fruit shop and we broke in to steal parsnips which we then used for a 'who can carve the best penis out of a parsnip' competition?. Would admitting breaking and entering and theft be a bit much for her parents?
February 16, 201214 yr Firstly, HBAHT? Secondly, is it a wedding or a "civil partnership"? ie will she be wearing a bridal dress or trousers?
February 16, 201214 yr i fondly remember the time when i lived above a fruit shop and we broke in to steal parsnips which we then used for a 'who can carve the best penis out of a parsnip' competition?. Out of interest, who won? Also, as it happens, I have a penis shaped just like a parsnip if that's of any interest
February 16, 201214 yr 1. Don't get your cock out edit to say... I know.. it is still good advice though Edited February 16, 201214 yr by jazza
February 16, 201214 yr start with.... Unaccustomed as i am to public speaking...... then take a big drink of wine and sit down. all base's coverd, job done !
February 16, 201214 yr my top tip would be dont read off a script.... when i did my grooms speech i used a series of cards with bullet points on,worked a treat. keep it short,but meaningful and if your dont think you can carry funny off,dont try. and dont get smashed off your face before either,i was best man if you will at my mum and dads renewal of their vows.big fancy bash at the savoy.trouble was i was at the time 20,it was the day england played portgual in the euros and i was pissed and wired by 1pm....not a good concoction for a good speech!
February 16, 201214 yr Gonzo, always there to make you feel a bit better about not being the normal child of the family. I did a similar sort of speech at my mum's 60th, bottle of champagne in one hand, glass in the other & after far too many trips to the loo earlier I thought it'd be great to get everyone's attention to tell them how ace my mother is. I favoured a fat Sandra Bullock in 28 days
February 16, 201214 yr On the theme of weddings the most gay thing ive seen at a wedding was a guy walking along the front of the dancefloor with hands full with pints of ale, one mon stopped this fella and unzipped this fella's fly and floped his todger out and left him stood there pints in hand and cock out
February 16, 201214 yr Wonder why Bea Smith has not mentioned who actually owned the fruit and veg shop that she robbed? tut tut
February 16, 201214 yr Don't forget to remind everyone that..... Mother-in-law .... is an anagram of...... WOMAN HITLER.
February 17, 201214 yr i went to a wedding,night do only at the imperial hotel.... walked in to find the bride and bridesmaid rolling round the floor in a full blown fight,hair pulling,scrapping,things showing the lot. i was already erect by the time i was informed it was a free bar.... i later found out what had caused the kick off..... the bride was thought to be a gold digger (which she was) marrying a very rich knobwank who was cockney munich may i add. he left behind a wife and family who were adored by the rich mans family... so to ease the blow of marrying a gold digging soapy tit wanker,he thought it would be great to ask his daughters from the ex to be maid of honour etc. then the best man did his speech.... he opened with 'id like to congratulate david and suzan on a wonderful day....oh shit did i just suzan?..i meant maggie' what the fuck! he then went on to say 'i get the feeling ive been here before' and then raised a glass by saying 'enjoy your life together,i know someone will....' then all hell broke loose. i promptly stepped over the brawling women,ordered a bottle of pink champagne and racked up a beauty in the fancy toilets. happy days. Edited February 17, 201214 yr by gonzo
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