Interesting article on the Beeb website about the cost to each Premier League club to police their matches - how much they have to pay and how much the taxpayer shells out:

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7553875.stm

 

Find it strange that, for example, Bolton had to pay more last season than Spurs, Chelsea or West Ham had to pay!!

Interesting article on the Beeb website about the cost to each Premier League club to police their matches - how much they have to pay and how much the taxpayer shells out:

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7553875.stm

 

Find it strange that, for example, Bolton had to pay more last season than Spurs, Chelsea or West Ham had to pay!!

 

think it's to do with the Reebok being in the middlebrook development that means the area covered by this statement (at the ground outside the ground, or in areas controlled by the club) is bigger than most.

yep great eh! cant move on matchday for the fuzz, but when you need em elsewhere on other days there under manned! shocking!! seeing as its probably one of the safest less violent periods in modern football history!

For a starters, get rid of these idiots:

 

They can't control the poor horses and cause nothing but trouble and shit on the tarmac!

Nobheads of the highest order are the mounted police! Oooooh, don't get me going!

why are we paying the majority of our costs whereas arsenal the cockney twats get away with nigh on 300k.

 

pompey paying all costs as well, very honourable... pffff

For a starters, get rid of these idiots:

 

They can't control the poor horses and cause nothing but trouble and shit on the tarmac!

Nobheads of the highest order are the mounted police! Oooooh, don't get me going!

 

Always makes me wonder; if a dog owner allows his mutt to shit on the floor he either cleans up or risks a fine. Horses, on the other hand, shit about 10 x the amount a dog does but with impunity. Why?

Always makes me wonder; if a dog owner allows his mutt to shit on the floor he either cleans up or risks a fine. Horses, on the other hand, shit about 10 x the amount a dog does but with impunity. Why?

Dog owners can prevent their animals from crapping willy nilly.

 

If a horse decides it wants a shit, it's going to have a shit.

Dog owners can prevent their animals from crapping willy nilly.

 

If a horse decides it wants a shit, it's going to have a shit.

 

also dog shit come from meat thus disease ridden, horse crap is basically mulched up grass and plants

also dog shit come from meat thus disease ridden, horse crap is basically mulched up grass and plants

It still stinks and mounted police are not needed at the match full b?stard stop!

Dog owners can prevent their animals from crapping willy nilly.

 

If a horse decides it wants a shit, it's going to have a shit.

 

I once had a dog, a couple in fact, and neither had the ability to not shit therefore preventing your dog shitting is bollocks. The trick is to teach them to do it outside during walkies which brings us back to the point; why do horse owners not have to clean shit up?

I once had a dog, a couple in fact, and neither had the ability to not shit therefore preventing your dog shitting is bollocks. The trick is to teach them to do it outside during walkies which brings us back to the point; why do horse owners not have to clean shit up?

Aye, what if a stray spark from a horseshoe ignited the pile?

 

Some folk just don't think.

also dog shit come from meat thus disease ridden, horse crap is basically mulched up grass and plants

 

So do owners of vegetarian dogs not need pooper scoops???

I lost faith in the police a long time ago.

 

Seen this before, but got it again in an e-mail today, so quite pertinent. Not sure I believe the "true" and "genuine" but, but quite humorous nevertheless.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.

 

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

 

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

 

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

 

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

 

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

 

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

 

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

 

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

 

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

 

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

 

I remain sirs, your obedient servant

???????

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr ??????,

 

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

 

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

 

Regards

PC ?

Community Beat Officer

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

 

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

 

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

 

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

 

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

 

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

 

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

 

Regards

?

 

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

So do owners of vegetarian dogs not need pooper scoops???

was going to be my next question.

So do owners of vegetarian dogs not need pooper scoops???

 

no idea

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

 

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

 

That guy should try living in longsight, the only shattering clangs iv had round here are bin lids dropping their knives! Ill hazard a guess that that guy was the wrong side of 70 and was annoyed because the deaf red ginger couldnt hear that lovely carole vorderman on countdown.

 

However, i do like his walking abortions insult ::::

I lost faith in the police a long time ago.

 

Seen this before, but got it again in an e-mail today, so quite pertinent. Not sure I believe the "true" and "genuine" but, but quite humorous nevertheless.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.

 

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

 

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

 

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

 

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

 

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

 

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

 

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

 

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

 

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

 

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

 

I remain sirs, your obedient servant

???????

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr ??????,

 

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

 

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

 

Regards

PC ?

Community Beat Officer

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

 

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

 

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

 

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

 

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

 

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

 

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

 

Regards

?

 

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

 

 

That was on here a while ago.

If you are walking your dog and it has a crap, it is easy to control your dog while you clean it's crap up, not so a horse, have you ever tried to control a horse when it doesn't want to be??

If you are walking your dog and it has a crap, it is easy to control your dog while you clean it's crap up, not so a horse, have you ever tried to control a horse when it doesn't want to be??

 

you ever tried controlling me mams springer spaniel when it doesn't want to be? feckin hyper active mutt!

Horse nappies. It's a winner. Get on Dragon's Den and they'll shit money at you.

Horse nappies. It's a winner. Get on Dragon's Den and they'll shit money at you.

 

They still have nobbers riding them on matchday though, so you've not resolved the issue fully!

That was on here a while ago.

a while ago

Ok, 3 weeks ago!

If a police mutt attacks you are you within your rights to squash the f?ckers eyeballs?

If a police mutt attacks you are you within your rights to squash the f?ckers eyeballs?

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha................i'd love to see you try.

 

I was feeling down but you've cheered me up no end, cheers

I can smell bacon