bolty58 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 A married couple had been out shopping for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mates mobile phone and demanded "Where the hell are you?" Husband, "Darling, do you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at that time and said 'baby it'll be yours one day'?" Wife (with a smile and blushing) "Yes, I remember that my love" Husband, "Well, I'm in the pub next door to that shop"
superjohnmcginlay Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I recieved this via email this morning Twas the night before christmas... Twas the night before christmas and all through the house, everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse, dad smoking grass; I'd just settle down for a nice piece of ass. Out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter. I sprung from my chair to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn, I saw a big dick. I knew in a minute, it must be St. Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. I knew in a moment, the fucker had fell. He stuffed all our stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart. that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode away, piss on you all and have a hell of a day
HomerJay Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) whenever i hear "Santa got stuck up a chimney", i always end singing chubbys version in my head Santa got stuck up a chimney, ?Coz he couldn?t pull a bird, His pubes were wrapped around his plums, and all the kiddies heard: ?Pull me out or you?ll get nowt, you nasty load of pricks!? They said ?FUCK YOUR TOYS, DICKHEAD!? And pelted the cunt with bricks Edited December 22, 2011 by HomerJay
Traf Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 It is Christmas Eve and this bloke is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that: 1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend. 2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking. 3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ?10,000 in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal bumming, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.
Juan.Kerr Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 As the Festive time approaches, it's worth remembering that loud parties and car doors slamming, empty cans all over the place, and people pissing in bushes can annoy the neighbours. Another good way is setting fire to their bins.
Recommended Posts