Breightmet Boy Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 When I heard Stephen Hawking had reached 70, I thought, "fuck me - that's one powerful wheelchair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breightmet Boy Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Luis Suarez has just issued his latest statement - "I've said sorry to Evra, how much apologising do I need to do? I invited Patrice around for a drink and gave him PG tips. They fucking love that!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter superjohnmcginlay Posted January 13, 2012 Site Supporter Share Posted January 13, 2012 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook! So Anthony, you had ?5 to spend...what's in your bag?" 'Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have ?2.74 left over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breightmet Boy Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 This year I have four new resolutions. 1) to give up oral sex. 2) to give up anal sex. 3) to never participate in gangbangs. 4). Get out of prison.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breightmet Boy Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 A man phones an airfix model shop and asks "do you have a model of an italian cruise liner " the shop owner replies " yes we have just one left" the man says "can you put it on one side for me " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 after landing myself in jail,i spent the next hour getting relentlessly bummed. sometimes i think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) there was a panic earlier following reports of another cruise ship with a huge gash on it. everyone was relieved to find it was just katie price on her hollidays. just a couple 'gems' out of the 5000 ive recieved off jimmy today! Edited January 16, 2012 by gonzo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter fatolive Posted January 16, 2012 Site Supporter Share Posted January 16, 2012 Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. If you look to the right, you will see the beautiful island of Giglio. And if you look to the left, you will see a man waving at you from a lifeboat. That is me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
no balls Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 My mate said to me he wanted to buy a Spanish football club. I told him to get Real. I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box. My girlfriend's a devout muslim and wears a burka. I don't see a lot of her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter fatolive Posted January 16, 2012 Site Supporter Share Posted January 16, 2012 Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like first? ..." The good news" shout the passengers.... Ok, in about 100 years we will have 11 Oscars.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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