August 9, 200619 yr 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT ??200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage" 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
August 9, 200619 yr Probably doing anything under the hood of a car - even just filling up the washer bottle - most birds can't even open the hood!
August 9, 200619 yr Marvelling at the smell of your own unwashed c*ck. Got that one from FHM. Bit gross but made me chuckle...........
August 9, 200619 yr Probably doing anything under the hood of a car - even just filling up the washer bottle - most birds can't even open the hood! Are you a Yank? It's a bonnet if you please [-X
August 9, 200619 yr Probably doing anything under the hood of a car - even just filling up the washer bottle - most birds can't even open the hood! Are you a Yank? It's a bonnet if you please [-X Sorry, your right. I work around the Swedish all day and they all speak American Swenglish.
August 9, 200619 yr Doing a fart so bad it clears the room!!! managed a bad one outside today that cleared a space
August 9, 200619 yr Doing a fart so bad it clears the room!!! Doing a fart so bad you even have to get away from it yourself!! :vm
August 10, 200619 yr Clearing your nose on the footy pitch or better yet on the high street in one quick and clean snort with one finger on the other nostrel - Savvy!
August 10, 200619 yr Not giving a flying fook who's getting "voted out on Friday". And for the real, real men - not knowing what I'm talking about!
August 10, 200619 yr Not giving a flying fook who's getting "voted out on Friday". And for the real, real men - not knowing what I'm talking about! What the fcuk you on about Jules?
August 10, 200619 yr 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - asyou thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. Watching in awe as the 'crusher' effortlessly crushes all the waste..or is that just me 8-[
August 10, 200619 yr Coughing your load over the wife and then saying 'thanks, you dont mind finishing yourself off do you?'
August 11, 200619 yr Coughing your load over the wife and then saying 'thanks, you dont mind finishing yourself off do you?'
August 11, 200619 yr Not giving a flying fook who's getting "voted out on Friday". And for the real, real men - not knowing what I'm talking about! What the fcuk you on about Jules?
August 11, 200619 yr Trying to catch your fart in a jar, so you can save it for later. Tried it once - didn't work [-(
August 11, 200619 yr 18. TAKING OUT ??200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. You need to be a mafia don to get a plumber for ??200.
August 11, 200619 yr Author 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. Gonna try this one at dinner time, see if I feel like 10-men
August 11, 200619 yr Clearing your nose on the footy pitch or better yet on the high street in one quick and clean snort with one finger on the other nostrel - Savvy! clearing both nostrels without using ya fingers, now thats 'ard! :bb
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're
popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub
doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT ??200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you
the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage"
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"