Some good ones from Viz this issue!

 

Beating eggs (n). A charmingly lyrical evocation of the sound made by a lady washing her 'parts of shame' with soap whilst squatting in the shower.

 

Bird's eye view (n). Your girlfriend or 'bag for life's' totally objective opinion of your many wrongdoings, based upon impartial evidence gathered from her entirely dispassionate perspective.

 

Crimson Rambler (n). A bold and adventurous fellow who refuses to be put off his stride simply because his missus is 'dropping clots'.

 

Dracula's Candle (n). The half melted candle that inevitably makes an appearance at some point in a Hammer Horror and bears a striking resemblance to the star performer at the end of a bukkake 'grumble flick'.

 

Fallopian tube strike (euph). Inconvenience on the 'Hammersmith & City line' occasioned when the missus is 'bottling beetroots', although with luck a 'replacement bust service' will have been laid on.

 

More pricks than the Big Brother house, she's seen. (Exclam). Somewhat waspish judgement of a lady of easy affections, who has been 'cocked more than Elmer Fudd's shotgun'.

 

Queen size mattress folded in a skip. (Euph). The 'camel's toe' of a larger lady in a trouser suit.

Girlfriend - 'bag for life' made me smirk the most.

Girlfriend - 'bag for life' made me smirk the most.

That and 'dropping clots' :-)

I used to have the full book til a mate nicked it on an away day.

 

One of my faves was 'Dracula's teabag' for a jam rag.

Edited July 25, 20169 yr by DazBob

You used to be able to get it as an app. Assume you still can

Indeed it is (you have to pay for the full version though).

Lad I know had his Johnny Fartpants T-shirt nicked by a woman from Senegal.

Had two printed in Rogers Profanasaurus.

Got a Nakasaki pencil for my troubles. (Think that's what they were called)

'Changing at Bakerloo' always tickled me.

Always liked McShit

 

Using the toilets in McDonald's but not buying anything

 

Followed up with McShit with Lies

 

When you get accosted by a member of staff about using the toilets but tell them you'll be buying something after, then don't

Shit trigger: first coffee or fag of the day which opens up poo chute.

piss chisel: n. A high-powered stream of wazz used to chip skidmarks of one's lavatory bowl. The yellow toilet brush.

Barcardi Geezer - Blokes who drink alcopops.

Always liked McShit

 

Using the toilets in McDonald's but not buying anything

 

Followed up with McShit with Lies

 

When you get accosted by a member of staff about using the toilets but tell them you'll be buying something after, then don't

Hahahahaha

'An excellent theory Watson' said in response to another gentleman dropping an air biscuit, usually whilst stroking ones chin and smoking a pipe

'An excellent theory Watson' said in response to another gentleman dropping an air biscuit, usually whilst stroking ones chin and smoking a pipe

Also following a similar event....

 

'A confident appeal there from the Australians'

Also following a similar event....

 

'A confident appeal there from the Australians'

i find that works best when said in a Richie Benaud style voice

 

Others include

'Keep shouting captain, we'll find you'

 

'A bit more choke and she should start'

Shoving a marshmellow into a piggy bank

 

When the gentleman is willing but not that able