A passenger taps taxidriver on the shoulder, the driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window "fook me your jumpy arnt yer, i only tapped you" says the passenger. "Sorry", says the cabbie "its my first day, ive been driving a hearse for 25 years"

 

A chemist owner walks into his shop to find a man leaning against a wall. He asks the assistant whats the mans problem, the assistant replies "He came in to get something for a cough and i couldnt find the cough syrup so i gave him an entire box of laxative". "You idiot" replies the owner "You cant treat a cough with a box of laxatives", the assistant replies "Of course you can, look at him, hes shit scared to cough now" !!!!

just got this one from my brother................

 

 

A bloke goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

 

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

 

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

 

'Have you ever been in the services?'

 

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

 

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'

and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

 

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

 

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

 

The bloke is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't

you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

 

 

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

 

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching

Our bollocks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'

Asian mans wife dies. He goes to place an announcement in the paper & is told it's 3 words for ?1. He only has ?1 so he asks for "Sanjita is dead". They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minute and says,ok put "Sanjita is dead.Shop still open"

Asian mans wife dies. He goes to place an announcement in the paper & is told it's 3 words for ?1. He only has ?1 so he asks for "Sanjita is dead". They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minute and says,ok put "Sanjita is dead.Shop still open"

 

 

That has made me laugh very loudly.

 

Jewish womans husband dies. She goes to place an announcement in the paper & is told it's 3 words for ?1. She only has ?1 so she asks for "Hebron is dead". They feel sorry for her and offer her another 3 words for free. She thinks for a minute and says,ok put "Hebron is dead. Volvo for sale"

Stephen Hawkings is in hospital with a broken collar bone,2 broken ribs and a fractured skull.

 

apparently his girlfriend stood him up.

Stephen Hawkings is in hospital with a broken collar bone,2 broken ribs and a fractured skull.

 

apparently his girlfriend stood him up.

 

 

A week old but...

 

The finest crisp white writing paper......with the sharpest clear handwriting, using only the best most exquisite ink, lovingly folded and wrapped in an immaculate envelope.....

 

...This is no ordinary P45 - this is an M&S P45.....

Edited January 13, 200917 yr by Smiley

Two fellas sitting in a pub.

 

One says to the other....

"I f?cked your mum last night! We did everything, she sat on my face, rubbed her t1ts up and down my cock, she let me fck her doggy style and even told me to give it to her in the arse. She finished off by suckin' me until I came in her mouth."

 

The other fella replies:

"Let's go home dad, I think you've had too much to drink!"

150 Israeli troops have entered Jordan. Early reports say she is tired and her arse is sore but she will soldier on !

Asian mans wife dies. He goes to place an announcement in the paper & is told it's 3 words for ?1. He only has ?1 so he asks for "Sanjita is dead". They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minute and says,ok put "Sanjita is dead.Shop still open"

 

 

that is rascist rubbish..............................

 

 

ok i admit it made me laugh out loud !

Ridiculous answers from contestants

 

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

 

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

 

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

 

QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.

Contestant: Grandfather.

Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

Contestant: Panda.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm . . .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

 

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

 

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED

and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

 

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

 

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

 

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

 

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta.

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?

Contestant: Jelly.

 

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

 

BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ... Mexico?

 

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

 

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

 

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Radio Merseyside at it's Best

Had to stop reading those contestants ones, absolutely pissin' my sides in the office!

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

 

Things are bad at home, she says she's sick of me. Football,Horse Racing,Cricket,Darts, always watching sports on the tele.

 

Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up. By 9 o clock, things were ten times worse................

 

She hadn't even potted a fcukin ball.

150 Israeli troops have entered Jordan. Early reports say she is tired and her arse is sore but she will soldier on !

 

That would be Hamas attack on Jordans front then?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

 

Two Monkeys are getting into a Bath One says "Oo oo oo Ah ah ah",

T'Other One say's "If it's too hot for you,put some Cold Water in"!!

Topical one:

 

The Duke of Edinburgh has apologised for his Grandson's gaffe last week.

 

He said, I apologise for my Grandson using the term "My friend the Paki."

 

Imagine that, the fool. Admitting having a friend who's a Paki!

The dangers of using Wii

http://uk.youtube.com:80/watch?v=2yy1PO6Mp74