I know most of the not quite rights on here have all had poo poo accidents whilst 12 pints in, but the other night - and I was sober as a judge and felt perfectly fine health wise - as I was just about to jump in the shower, I pumped, fully expecting nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Instead, I small quantity of liqiud poo fell down the inside of my thigh.

 

I was aghast. Fortunately, I was heading into the shower anyway but it could so easliy have happened as part of my pre-bonk warm up and the missus could have ended up in all sorts of trouble.

 

Am I dying, or does this actually happen to normals?

iam suprised peebles or scooby doo avn't been on about my little episode in south africa,

 

some people still won't speak to me 10 years later.

iam suprised peebles or scooby doo avn't been on about my little episode in south africa,

 

some people still won't speak to me 10 years later.

I thought you were going to tell the rest of the class yourself. Go on, Bobby Sands, you know you want to!

His farting on the Skopje m?ngbus was bad enough.

His farting on the Skopje m?ngbus was bad enough.

 

i think the border toilets were worse than my arse that day

i think the border toilets were worse than my arse that day

I can feel another posting of "that" photo!

I can feel another posting of "that" photo!

 

the photo's not that bad,it was the stench of rotting plop and piss,not to mention all the flys around

the photo's not that bad,it was the stench of rotting plop and piss,not to mention all the flys around

But every time I see the picture all that comes back to me!

I might be getting on a bit but I thankfully don't suffer. Though, I would've thought a bit of a dribble doesn't smell on quite the scale of a a shart!

And to answer TKB, any lady worth her salt has moist (I love that word) toilet tissue in her bathroom to ensure a sweet smelling front bum with no clingy loo roll bits so you gents won't winge!

 

There's nowt worse than spreading a manky bird's minge, it's like peeling apart a toasted ham and cheese sandwich combined with the smell of a mangrove swamp at low tide.

There's nowt worse than spreading a manky bird's minge, it's like peeling apart a toasted ham and cheese sandwich combined with the smell of a mangrove swamp at low tide.

 

Makes you wonder why we all want to get there then doesn't it?

 

I must have been lucky with classier ladies then. At the absolute worst could be described as a musky perfume better than any drug you could care to name.

Sunny Beach. Morning after the game. Went down for breakfast in the hotel. Not much on offer. All lads were in the foyer ready to check out and get our coach back up to Varna for the flight home - I was a bit behind schedule, so quickly jumped back in the lift to go up to my room to get my bag.

 

Two old dears were in the lift with me. So being polite I smiled. But the smile was quickly replaced by a grimace as I felt this awful churning pain in my stomach. I was preying that they'd get out on the next floor..... my wish came true. Lift halted, doors opened and the two old dears were on their way.

 

Doors shut, lift jolted to head on up to my floor and I let out the most relaxing bottom burp. You know the feeling - its bliss. However, much to my complete surprise I felt this warm flow of liquid going down the back of my legs. "Oh no".

 

Butt cheeks clenched, I hobbled back to my room and quickly into the bathroom to examine the extent of my mishap. Jeans were covered. Boxers were a total write-off. T-shirt even had splashback stains. And my poor socks hadn't escaped the wrath of the hot watery poo!

 

I jumped on the sh?tter and p?ssed out as much of what was left in me as I could.

 

The dilemma though was in the clean-up. Anyone who's seen Harvey Keitel in action in Pulp Fiction will know - cleaning is a regimental operation.

Shower - to get all the sh?t off the back of my legs. Dispose of boxers and socks. Clean the bathroom floor. Carefully wrap up the jeans and seal them in a plastic bag. Line new boxers with half a roll of toilet paper (like an adult nappy). Lots of Lynx and aftershave to disguise any possible traces of the aforementioned disaster.

 

Room-mate came back to grab his back and made a quick comment - smells like someone's sh?t in the lift!

 

Luckily the coach waited for me, and Henrilloyd had some Immodium.

 

I spent a good portion of the journey with my arse cheeks clenched - but that's when the sickwaves kicked in and I went into a puking frenzy at the truck stop half way to Varna! Another story for another day!

Edited February 27, 200917 yr by Smiley

Poor rectal muscle control. I wonder if Pink and Proud have ever fought a lawsuit involving same?

That's why the coach reeked of shit, then?

I think we'd all like to hear from Zico at this point.

on holiday in Gran Canaria years ago, mate of mine thought it would be a great idea to shit off the balcony

 

props himself over the edge and lets go with a mid-consitency bowel full and it splat all over the plastic lattice patio table, all over a chair and dribble all over the grass

 

thinking fast, we decide we had best move the table, so swapped it with next door, leaving a Hansel and Gretel style shit trail right back to our door

 

the worst thing is that someone actually took photos

on holiday in Gran Canaria years ago, mate of mine thought it would be a great idea to shit off the balcony

 

props himself over the edge and lets go with a mid-consitency bowel full and it splat all over the plastic lattice patio table, all over a chair and dribble all over the grass

 

thinking fast, we decide we had best move the table, so swapped it with next door, leaving a Hansel and Gretel style shit trail right back to our door

 

the worst thing is that someone actually took photos

 

The attention to detail is key with these posts, excellent work

 

As for photos - you know the rules on here.

the coach wasn't that bad, it was just a few little pumps here and there,

 

i wonder if they put the coach out of service after that trip.

actually, I can't out do Garp, so am quite pleased

 

I also didn't quite read the thread for 1 key word - "sober"

 

however

 

afternoon session at uni, very p?ssed, waiting for bus home - none turns up so I start to walk - halfway home need a p?ss - but no shops or bars with toilets for a good 15 min walk - bladder gets to bursting point, shop on the horizon, reckon I can make it, start to walk quicker and as you know this increases the intensity of the bladder

 

walk past a cash point and p?ssed logic decides I might need some money to buy something in shop in order to use toilets so stop to make tranasction and everything gives in - as I'm taking the money out i piss myself resulting in massive wet patch on jeans and large puddle forming round leg as I check my balance

 

bear in mind this is 5pm in the afternoon on a v busy sheffield street

 

with another 10 mins to walk home I decide to walk with my left leg tucked in to the right to hide the big wet patch to oncoming pedestrians thus resulting in my looking rather disabled and probably taking twice as long to get home

 

i have also p?ssed the bed twice, when asleep and whilst with female company

actually, I can't out do Garp, so am quite pleased

 

I also didn't quite read the thread for 1 key word - "sober"

 

however

 

afternoon session at uni, very p?ssed, waiting for bus home - none turns up so I start to walk - halfway home need a p?ss - but no shops or bars with toilets for a good 15 min walk - bladder gets to bursting point, shop on the horizon, reckon I can make it, start to walk quicker and as you know this increases the intensity of the bladder

 

walk past a cash point and p?ssed logic decides I might need some money to buy something in shop in order to use toilets so stop to make tranasction and everything gives in - as I'm taking the money out i piss myself resulting in massive wet patch on jeans and large puddle forming round leg as I check my balance

 

bear in mind this is 5pm in the afternoon on a v busy sheffield street

 

with another 10 mins to walk home I decide to walk with my left leg tucked in to the right to hide the big wet patch to oncoming pedestrians thus resulting in my looking rather disabled and probably taking twice as long to get home

 

i have also p?ssed the bed twice, when asleep and whilst with female company

 

If it was the same bird, get in touch with Firthy for further advice.

If it was the same bird, get in touch with Firthy for further advice.

 

one was australian

 

her response was "i'm going for a shower, turn the mattress over and dry yourself off"

 

on her return I got me some action and then left

 

this is one a few incidents that have led me to believe that aussie blokes must be right tw?ts as no matter what the aussie girls get "thrown" at them, they're really seem to take it all in their stride

i have also p?ssed the bed twice, when asleep and whilst with female company

 

 

I once shat in my wifes vase, hammered. Twas either Ipswich or Norwich away, the consecutive Saturdays one.

 

Upon noisily waking her up I told her to 'ssshhhh, I'm shitting in Waynes bag' whilst giggling like a schoolchild.

 

She wasnt impressed.

 

I also shat in a dry hotel bath, such was my disgust at the treatment of their guests.

i personally don't think youre a bloke till youve soiled yourself through either booze or drugs.

 

iam sure peebles has a few stories

 

I once shat in my wifes vase, hammered. Twas either Ipswich or Norwich away, the consecutive Saturdays one.

 

Upon noisily waking her up I told her to 'ssshhhh, I'm shitting in Waynes bag' whilst giggling like a schoolchild.

 

She wasnt impressed.

 

I also shat in a dry hotel bath, such was my disgust at the treatment of their guests.

 

If that's a euphemism, I am truly sickened/impressed.

Smiffs, 10 extra points if you managed to curl it into a similar shaped vase

 

Edited February 27, 200917 yr by Bigtoe

I also shat in a dry hotel bath, such was my disgust at the treatment of their guests.

 

Its the only language they understand.

This thread has restored my sense of humour... I have laughed for half an hour at least at the stories. It nearly makes up for getting made redundant on Monday.

I'm going to get shitfaced now.