A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to

take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the

time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,nothing,

only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the

beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to

the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here

when my cruise ship sank.''Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to

have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman.

'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars

were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm

branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I

fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile

iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,

she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he

nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an

exquisite bungalow (its a dorma with an upstairs!!!) painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,

she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home.

Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'

winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit

down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the

woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in

the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end

inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've

been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm

sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing

for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

 

 

 

 

 

SCROLL down

 

 

 

 

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Edited October 2, 200817 yr by Smiley

Its a good job the last line made me laugh loudly otherwise you'd get the horses head treatment.

A Wiganer goes the Vets, "Can you help me, my cat is ill?"

 

Vet: "Is it a Tom"

 

Wiganer: "No, it's in the car"

Why's he gone upstairs for a shave when she's built a bungalow?

Why's he gone upstairs for a shave when she's built a bungalow?

 

You should be a Detective!

In recent times its been suggested that a apple a day keeps the doctor away but since most doctors are muslim i find bacon works better!

When Bob was asked if he preferred breast or legs he told the stranger that he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies, he was then informed that this wasnt a option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket!

A man and a little boy are walking in the woods late at night with no torches.

 

?im scared? said the boy

 

The man replied ? you think YOU?RE scared!? I have to walk back alone?

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a ?20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

A man and a little boy are walking in the woods late at night with no torches.

 

?im scared? said the boy

 

The man replied ? you think YOU?RE scared!? I have to walk back alone?

Micheal Jackson sat at the bed after his wife has just given birth.

 

'how long before we can have sex?' he asks.

 

The doctor replies, 'I'd wait until he's at least 14'.

Help needed, I keep getting this fella ringing me and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver ive asked him to stop but he's adamant!!!

Edited October 1, 200817 yr by superjohnmcginlay

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a ?20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

 

Nicely

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine.

He lasts over 10 minutes.

"Jesus mate, that was impressive!"

"I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My Wife's epileptic"

A guy walking hid dog allong the cliff tops when he comes accross a stunning blonde. he says to her

"are you getting ready to jump?"

"yes" she replys"

"well, if your going to jump, any chance of a blow job first?"

 

He gets the best gobble he's ever had in his life, when he's recovered, he turns to her and says

"if your so good at doing that, what can be so bad to want you to kill yourself?"

 

"I hate my parents" she says,

"they just won't accept me dressing up as a woman" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paddy takes his new wife home on their wedding night.

She lies on the bed, spread eagled and says:

"You know what I want Paddy don't you?"

Paddy replies:

"All the f?ckin? bed by the looks of it!"

A Vicar books into a Hotel & say's to the receptionist

 

" I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

 

She replies

 

"No Sir, It's just regular porn, you sick B@stard"

 

toodle pip

Edited October 2, 200817 yr by isaacunt

New craze in the pubs and clubs of Bolton. Fill a girl's fanny with vodka and drink it through a straw.

 

Doctors have warned of the dangers of minge drinking.

The Night Of March 31st And As Blind Little Tim Gets Tucked Up In Bed His Mum Says "If You Pray Really Hard Tonight, Tomoorow You Will Be Able To See!" So Little Tim Prays Like Never Before. Morning Comes And Tim Is Still Blind.

 

"Mummy, Mummy" He Cries Out " I Prayed So Hard Last Night But I'm Still Blind".

His Mum Gently Pats Him On The Head.

 

"I Know Son", She Said.

 

 

"APRIL FOOLS !!!!

Edited October 2, 200817 yr by carrick loyalist

3 Ballons, mummy daddy and baby Balloon

 

Bbay balloon likes to sleep with mummy and daddy balloon, but daddy balloon is beginning to get pissed off and demands that he starts staying in his own bed as he is getting to big.

 

That night baby Balloon decided to sneak out of his bed and get in with mummy and daddy, he tris to squeeze in but he is to big, so he un-ties mummys not and lets out a bit of air.

 

but he is still to big, so he un-ties daddys not and lets out some air, still he is to big.

 

So he un-ties his own not and manages to squeeze between the 2 of them,

 

In the morning his dad wakes up and sees baby inbetween them both, he is massively pissed off and screams,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not only have you let me down, you have let your mummy down and you have let yourself down!!!!

What do you call a bird with Down's Syndrome?

 

A Mongoose.

Wigan man goes into a jewellers to order a replica statue to be made of his dog.

 

Jeweller says 'do you want it 18 carat?'

 

Man 'no, just knawing a bone'

A Vicar books into a Hotel & say's to the receptionist

 

" I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

 

She replies

 

"No Sir, It's just regular porn, you sick B@stard"

 

toodle pip

 

 

i like that

Prof Stephen Hawkins is in hospital recovering from head injuries, a broken collar bone and a fractures arm... Apparently his date stood him up last night

Spaghetti

 

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an

Italian woman.

 

One night, she confided in him that she was

pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation

or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of

money if she would go to Italy to secretly have

the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,

he would also provide child support until the child

turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the

baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to

simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'

on the back. He would then arrange for the child

support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his

confused wife.

 

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange

post card today.'

 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it

later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as

her husband read the card, turned white,

and fainted.

 

 

On the card was written:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,

Spaghetti.

 

Three with meatballs, two without.

 

Send extra sauce.'

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of Work & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his farm hands and sent an inspector out to interview him.

 

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

 

 

 

 

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him ? 200 a week plus free room and board. There is a lady who cleans and cooks she's been here for 18 months, and I pay her ? 150 per week plus free room and board.

 

 

 

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work. He makes about ? 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

 

 

 

'That's the man I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the inspector.

 

 

 

?Right then? says the farmer, ?that would be me.?