Smiley Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 A bit ol' US of A - but funny all the same... MAN TEST 1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too. 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert o ther than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his equipment or hold his beer. 8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
Guest squidgy66 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I like cats. I'm off to buy some vaseline
MickyD Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Lattes are fine. Just not decaf and with soya milk. I sat reading this. I realise that they're all bang on the nail. Why do folk call cats in with a girly voice?
no balls Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. I disagree on this one re: pooing (the weeing bit I agree). It doesn't make you a gayer, it just makes you hygienic.
Guest squidgy66 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I disagree on this one re: pooing (the weeing bit I agree). It doesn't make you a gayer, it just makes you hygienic. A response by a woman QED Gay
Smiley Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 1. Working on it! 80% straight 2. Like pussy. Don't like cats. 100% straight 3. Tits and pussy again! 100% straight 4. I have no shame where I urinate - ask Carlos. 100% straight 5. I fail here. Drink decaf. Drink latte. Drink skinny decaf latte if available. Hopefully the soya keeps me just above the queerline. 10% straight 6. I like a bit of chocolate fudge cake. But other than that, Ice cream or cheesecake. Know f-all about textiles. 95% straight 7. Used to knock-one-out regularly on the way home from my previous job. Once crashed whilst feckin' about with the tape deck. 100% straight 8. Sent it to all & sundry. Don't care if I've upset any of my "homo" friends feelings. (Actually I don't have any that I know of - unless Big E has finally come out of the closet - not that he'd find a closet he could fit in!). 100% straight Thus, apart from my failings with my choice of coffee, reckon I'm still straighter than Lombard Street!
bolty58 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 1. Working on it! 80% straight2. Like pussy. Don't like cats. 100% straight 3. Tits and pussy again! 100% straight 4. I have no shame where I urinate - ask Carlos. 100% straight 5. I fail here. Drink decaf. Drink latte. Drink skinny decaf latte if available. Hopefully the soya keeps me just above the queerline. 10% straight 6. I like a bit of chocolate fudge cake. But other than that, Ice cream or cheesecake. Know f-all about textiles. 95% straight 7. Used to knock-one-out regularly on the way home from my previous job. Once crashed whilst feckin' about with the tape deck. 100% straight 8. Sent it to all & sundry. Don't care if I've upset any of my "homo" friends feelings. (Actually I don't have any that I know of - unless Big E has finally come out of the closet - not that he'd find a closet he could fit in!). 100% straight Thus, apart from my failings with my choice of coffee, reckon I'm still straighter than Lombard Street! He doth protest too much, m'lud
Guest squidgy66 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 1. Working on it! 80% straight How can you be a bit bent? You either dance with the devill in a pink suit or you don't Something you want to tell us bummbandit?
no balls Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 How can you be a bit bent? You either dance with the devill in a pink suit or you don't Something you want to tell us bummbandit? Says the man who wears sandals. Pot and kettle!
Guest squidgy66 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 (edited) Says the man who wears sandals. Pot and kettle! Sign of a man with class those love Real men wear sandals Edited March 19, 2009 by squidgy66
Mr kempo Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Sign of a man with class those love Real men wear sandals Real men where crocs.
no balls Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Real men where crocs. You mean Jelly shoes? Give over Kempo, you're surely taking the piss.
Mr kempo Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You mean Jelly shoes? Give over Kempo, you're surely taking the piss. I shall be sporting a pair in Ayia Napa come July, still indecisive on the colour.
Zico Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I shall be sporting a pair in Ayia Napa come July, still indecisive on the colour. that alone proves they're for queers
Guest squidgy66 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I shall be sporting a pair in Ayia Napa come July, still indecisive on the colour. You may as well opt for pink given the design
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