Dear Matt Lucas

 

Im sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my partner who sadly has passed away too. If you would like to hook up just give me a call.

 

Yours Sincerely

 

 

JACK TWEED

20 stone Irish man goes to see the doctor about his weight problem

Doctor says to him "right paddy i want you to go on this diet, eat for 2 days and skip a day and then eat for 2 days and skip a day and do this for 2 weeks and come back and see me and you should have last about 5 lb"

Paddy turns up 2 weeks later and has lost 2 stone

Doctor says "wow paddy you look fantastic how have you been managing"

Paddy say "i struggled at the beginning and at 1 point i thought i was gonna die"

Doctor says "was that through lack of food"

Paddy says "no because of all that fcuking skipping"

 

 

I'm here all week

Ive just had this disgusting text sent to my phone, ill share it with you even though it sickens me

 

After complaints the makers of Cluedo have included one black character. Its easier to play as now you only have to find

 

how and where he did it.......

Ive just had this disgusting text sent to my phone, ill share it with you even though it sickens me

 

After complaints the makers of Cluedo have included one black character. Its easier to play as now you only have to find

 

how and where he did it.......

 

Me too.

Just had a text sent to me with 4 letters

 

'N G B A'

 

 

 

I reckon it's bang out of order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(obviously, Little Whitt won't get this)

Just had a text sent to me with 4 letters

 

'N G B A'

 

 

 

I reckon it's bang out of order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(obviously, Little Whitt won't get this)

 

Not great, when you're two weeks slower than a biird from Horwich.

http://www.wanderersways.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=57061

Just had a text sent to me with 4 letters

 

'N G B A'

 

 

 

I reckon it's bang out of order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(obviously, Little Whitt won't get this)

your right there son not a clue

your right there son not a clue

Dear Matt Lucas

 

Im sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my partner who sadly has passed away too. If you would like to hook up just give me a call.

 

Yours Sincerely

 

 

JACK TWEED

 

 

rumour has it, lucas likes his men well hung... {snigger}

Just bought some Sainsbury's sausages.

 

There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

 

On the back it says "prick with fork"

 

Can't argue with that.

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if i had any old clothing.

 

I said yes, but what would i get in return?, she said i could play with her breasts.

 

I thought that's fair...............

 

 

 

 

 

tit for tat!

have you heard the one about Matt Lucas' ex being dead,

 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.......anybody? No?

Dust........anybody? No?

Dust........anybody? No?

Non alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters fanny, it tastes the same, but just isn't right

Edited October 9, 200916 yr by CWP

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Granma's dinner. I feel so sneaky but if i got her pregnant i couldnt live

 

with myself................

Two drunks are in a pub. One says to the other 'I've fucked your mother, pushed my cock down her throat and then boned her up the arse'. The other drunk says 'I think you've had enough to drink now, Dad'.

 

A 16 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says 'What would you like for Christmas?' The girl says 'I want some hair round my fanny'. Santa says 'Would a white beard be OK?'

 

A man goes into Supadrug and asks 'Have you got KY Jelly?' 'No, sorry', says the assistant, 'have you tried Boots?'

The man replies 'I wanted to slide it in, not fucking march it in!'

 

A man goes down on a woman and says 'F?ck, that stinks!' The woman says 'It's my arthritis'. He says 'What, in your c**t?' She says 'No, in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse'.

 

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire. The fireman asks 'how do we get there?'

'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the fucking big red truck!'

 

A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger his own arse. The jeweller screams 'GET OUT'

The tramp points to the sign 'COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!'

 

Teacher to class 'What does your dad do at weekends?' Little Johnny 'He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right, he lets punters bang his arse and lets them cum in his mouth'.

Teacher pulls him to one side and says 'Johnny, is that true?'

'No Miss, he goes to watch Bury but I'm too embarrassed to say that'.

 

A Jewish boy was born with no eyelids. Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins, but his mum's worried he might turn out cock-eyed.

 

A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.

'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'

 

Why do women have orgasms? So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

 

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you w?nk, do you think:

a. You need more time together

b. She's a f?cking prude

c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.

 

A pregnant Irish girl phones home. 'Mam oi tink me waters have broke'. 'Oh me holy Jaysus where

are ya ringing from?' 'Oim ringing from me minge to me ankles'.

 

A man comes home from the pub very late and very drunk. His wife says 'OK smartarse, explain the lipstick on your shirt'.

'Fcukin easy', he said. 'I used my shirt to wipe my cock'.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said. Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than theother?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

I went to buy a ticket to Paris, today

 

The woman said, ' Eurostar.'

 

I said, 'Thank you very much, love, you're not bad yourself.'

On a serious note, I needed to do an NVQ Assessor workbook at work. I didn't really see much point being as NVQs for trainees was being phased out and so I didn't bother doing it.

 

The clerk from our training centre sent me an email where she just put.

 

Your A1 Assessor workbook is outstanding.

 

I replied, thanking her for the kind comments.

 

Soon after came the beckoning finger, fortunately, my gaffer thought it was funny too.

just quit my job at the helium balloon factory...

 

there's no fucking way i'm being spoken to like that!!!

Ive completely wasted a tenner on pay-per-view. Turns out 'Jordan, look at my dribbling cunt' was just a video of Harveys

 

birthday party................

Ive completely wasted a tenner on pay-per-view. Turns out 'Jordan, look at my dribbling cunt' was just a video of Harveys

 

birthday party................

Wife said she wanted a rape alarm.

At 5.30 this morning, I covered her mouth with tape, held her down, shagged her arse and whispered "Time to get up dear."

Christmas in heaven is gonna be good this year, Stephen Gately doing the singing, Patrick Swayze doing the dancing, Keith Floyd cooking dinner and Jacko playing with the kids...

I cant believe how sad some people are making terrible jokes like this up, Sickening, just sickening

 

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a sign in a shop window which read 'We would rather serve 500

 

muslims than 1 British soldier'

 

 

Who said funeral directors dont have a sense of humour...........

Edited October 21, 200916 yr by Breightmet Boy

I cant believe how sad some people are making terrible jokes like this up, Sickening, just sickening

 

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a sign in a shop window which read 'We would rather serve 500

 

muslims than 1 British soldier'

 

 

 

 

Who said funeral directors dont have a sense of humour...........

 

 

Jesus the original of that joke was we would rather serve 500 normans than one Anglo Saxon

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the Clitoris??

 

The wife