Me brother was chatting to a lass (a Harvard graduate in fact) when for some reason the subject of the Isle of Man came up. When informed that it was situated in the middle of the Irish Sea her response was to ask "Does it float?"

On the subject of Americans, when I lived in London I had some loud mouthed Yank bawl at me in a tube station "can you tell me the way to the nearest Hayrods". Upon looking a bit perplexed he added "HAY-RODS...they're only the biggest goddam stores in the country". Annoyed, and realising he meant Harrods, I gave him a precise set of directions which, if he took - and he probably did - would have led him to the Mr.Clutch garage in Acton. Cunt.

Around August time last season a city fan at work was saying he had to leave early as he wanted to get to Eastlands for one the Europa League qualifying matches. Female boss asked who they were playing. I can't remember who it was, some crappy eastern European team probably. He told her the team and what country they were from, to which she replied: "why are teams from England playing foreign teams, I thought the world cup had finished?" The rest of us just looked at each other in amazement for a few seconds before we pissed ourselves laughing!

 

She's not really that thick, but hasn't the foggiest when it comes to football.

Around August time last season a city fan at work was saying he had to leave early as he wanted to get to Eastlands for one the Europa League qualifying matches. Female boss asked who they were playing. I can't remember who it was, some crappy eastern European team probably. He told her the team and what country they were from, to which she replied: "why are teams from England playing foreign teams, I thought the world cup had finished?" The rest of us just looked at each other in amazement for a few seconds before we pissed ourselves laughing!

 

She's really that thick, and, as with all wimmin, hasn't the foggiest when it comes to football

Shouldn't admit to this but years back when I got my first bank account, I got a letter from the manager, with a squiggle for a signature and Per Pro printed underneath.

 

I was convinced I had a Danish bank manager.

I once worked with a woman called Wendy who came in one morning, sat at her desk, looked up at some bemused faces and then remembered she had left our company and got a new job some weeks earlier.

I was in a pub in the Yorkshire Dales on Sunday and the barman asked the johnny foreigner gofer "Can you bring some lemons up from the kitchen"

"Lemon soup. Yes Ok"

Just nipped out for a butty and called in next door to the haircutting place for the first time in about 10 years.

 

I asks the young lass behind the counter if I needed an appointment....its a hairdressers...OK...

 

Her opening words were 'what for?'

 

What for? What fucking for? Its a barbers for fucks sake, what did she think I wanted?

 

I thought about asking for an oil and filter change, maybe the odd bit of root canal treatment, perhaps they do extras, but then settled on 'thats why you work here love'....

 

She was nice anyway and had great tits. I'd say about 34C, nice round and firm looking.

Just nipped out for a butty and called in next door to the haircutting place for the first time in about 10 years.

 

I asks the young lass behind the counter if I needed an appointment....its a hairdressers...OK...

 

Her opening words were 'what for?'

 

What for? What fucking for? Its a barbers for fucks sake, what did she think I wanted?

 

I thought about asking for an oil and filter change, maybe the odd bit of root canal treatment, perhaps they do extras, but then settled on 'thats why you work here love'....

 

She was nice anyway and had great tits. I'd say about 34C, nice round and firm looking.

 

 

only thing that suprised me is that i had you down as a baldy.

 

you live and learn dont you.

Just nipped out for a butty and called in next door to the haircutting place for the first time in about 10 years.

 

I asks the young lass behind the counter if I needed an appointment....its a hairdressers...OK...

 

Her opening words were 'what for?'

 

What for? What fucking for? Its a barbers for fucks sake, what did she think I wanted?

 

I thought about asking for an oil and filter change, maybe the odd bit of root canal treatment, perhaps they do extras, but then settled on 'thats why you work here love'....

 

She was nice anyway and had great tits. I'd say about 34C, nice round and firm looking.

 

 

Hang on, hang on.

 

Hairdressers or barbers. Make your mind up man.

I was a shaven baldy for about 10 years but am having a go at growing it a bit but in between it needs a trim...

 

OK I admit it is a hairdressers but no, I dont have a man bag or like willies.

I was a shaven baldy for about 10 years but am having a go at growing it a bit but in between it needs a trim...

 

OK I admit it is a hairdressers but no, I dont have a man bag or like willies.

 

 

Mid life crisis, part XXII

 

 

Part XXVI will be the mon bag.

My wife and 2 of her mates are out in town one night and one of them said who was the first english man to climb mount everest????????? one of them replies "was it Edmond Hillary" tother one said no "im sure it was Ben Nevis"

I was a shaven baldy for about 10 years but am having a go at growing it a bit but in between it needs a trim...

 

OK I admit it is a hairdressers but no, I dont have a man bag or like willies.

 

you will be wearing a scarf next

 

oh for fuck..........

Nowt to do with work

 

but I know of a story from someone whose missus once asked the waiter in an indian restaurant "will the ice cream will be spicy too "

Had a lad started with us and his ability to retain information was shite. We nicknamed him etch-a-sketch because as soon as he next moved his head, all information was lost for ever.

Wife asked me at Birmingham away about 10 years ago why isn't Gardner (Ricardo) playing in the African Cup of Nations.....

Wife asked me at Birmingham away about 10 years ago why isn't Gardner (Ricardo) playing in the African Cup of Nations.....

 

 

ISTR a certain S.G.Eriksson Esq. asking after his availability to play for England.

Not someone I worked with, but I know a bloke and his missus and she asked him why there were goals in the swimming pool when they were on holiday. He said for water polo. She asked him how the horses breathe under water.

 

not really someone i work with and i think ive mentioned it before but my missus asked me "why does richard branston put his actual name on his beans instead of his company name, virgin"?

Edited July 14, 201115 yr by HomerJay

Up in Scotland a couple of years ago and Doris asked me 'what makes those big wind turbines go round?'

 

My response of 'the fucking tide' didnt go down too well.

Not someone I worked with, but I know a bloke and his missus and she asked him why there were goals in the swimming pool when they were on holiday. He said for water polo. She asked him how the horses breathe under water.

 

 

 

btw, this was the same woman who believed her husband when he told her that spaghetti grew on trees.

 

AND

 

.. this is the best one, there was a mysterious beeping noise that suddenly occurred in their house. She was looking for the cause in every room and the noise seemd to be coming from everywhere. She eventually found where she thought must be the source. The cupboard under the stairs. She called her hubby in and said, "Listen, it's louder in here".

 

Turns out the beeping was the alarm on her watch (that she wasn't aware existed).

The beeping thing....I'm going to admit to a bit of a faux pas myself here.

 

Went to Florida recently, booked a hire car and took my Satnav which I'd updated for America.

 

Picked up this fuck off brand new monster Buick SUV thing, driving along and its got electronic this and fancy dancy that. Gets on the interstate and after a few minutes I hear 3 bong bong bongs....then again, then again. So I'm flicking through the computer, stereo, dash, all sorts...nowt.

 

This went on for 14 fucking days and was proper pissing me off. I even went online to read the manual to find out what it was as it was inconsistant with anything I was doing. I'd got to the point of accusing the kids of fucking about on their DS or sommat, the wife fucking about with the aircon....proper narking me it was. Shitting peice of American shit it was, top of the range or not.

 

Took the car back at the end of the holiday, the hire company asked if it was OK and I said yes apart from the annoying bong bong bong. He looked confused and bid me farewell.

 

Gets home, drives down to Birmingham. Reaches an open stretch of motorway and puts the foot down.

 

Bong bong bong.

 

It was the fucking satnav warning me of speed limits.

Speaking of Sat Nav's, me and a mate did a road trip in Spain a couple of years ago and she brought the Ger Ger Garmin.

I says, what fucking use is that over there giving me instructions in Spanish.

an ex girl friend couldn't grasp why the lights on my car worked during a power cut.

serious question: " if all the electric has gone off what's making the car lights work ?" me: "the battery in the car" her: " yeh, but where's that getting it's electric from?"

Mid life crisis, part XXII

 

 

Part XXVI will be the mon bag.

 

Pot and Kettle.....

 

At least I'm getting some in my midlife crisis