January 8, 201214 yr I recently had to go for a shite at my wifes parents house....a serious bout of misfire and bum-gargle to boot. T'other day i asked a women i know in morrisons how her mum was,she replied 'i told you last week,she died of cancer in july'. I recently realised id been calling a barman in my local by the wrong name for the past 2 years.
January 8, 201214 yr At a wedding not long ago a gentleman on our table asked a lady when her baby was due, the answer of I'm not pregnant was quite a shock to the guy he left quite quickly
January 8, 201214 yr I once slagged this guy called Steven Adkin off to all insundry for being a cunt of the highest order at a New Year party. He lived near the village where the party was and i had dealings on the phone with him through work After 10 minutes someone took me quietly to the side and explained he was sitting about 5 feet from me I left fairly soon after that
January 8, 201214 yr I've put on here before, I used to fight to quite a high stardard. A thing my mates used to get me to do was throw a full speed punch that stopped very fractionally short. You weren't meant to flinch, that was the idea. Anyroad, I was at a party at about 16ish when a random girl came up to me. Girl. Are you that lad who does karate or something. Me. Summat like that aye. G. Show me that thing you do where you nearly punch someone. M. I'd rather not ta. G. Go on, please. M. I've had a beer. G. Its ok, you'll be alright. M. Erm......... ok.......... Stand there........... Ready??............. BOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH Me. Erm.......... Sorry love. Left very soon after that, atmosphere, went very down hill very quickly.
January 8, 201214 yr Nothing will ever come close to that awkward feeling when as a 14yr old you're sat watching telly with your mum and dad and a love scene appears on the box. The itv drama premiers of a Sunday night were a nightmare for that.
January 8, 201214 yr Nothing will ever come close to that awkward feeling when as a 14yr old you're sat watching telly with your mum and dad and a love scene appears on the box. The itv drama premiers of a Sunday night were a nightmare for that. Dennis Potter stuff set the gold standard for this scenario, during the days of 'you watch what your parents are watching'. My late mam would usually try to distract me, by asking some forced, inane question about school - whilst onscreen, some actor's arse was bobbing up and down inbetween his co-star's comely thighs Edited January 8, 201214 yr by Youri McAnespie
January 8, 201214 yr I got caught by my mother having a quick tug over some saucy TV programme in our front room when i was about 13. She walked into the room and i didn't hear her approaching. I was just just about at the point of no return! She didn't say anything, just about turned and walked out the room that was awkward
January 8, 201214 yr Gate crashed a wedding (night do) with a mate when we where about 21 and ended up sitting down with the family of the groom. Both pissed as fuck but we managed to start chatting up the grooms 2 sisters. In my drunken state I turned round to the father of the groom and said "I would love to shag his daughters" we nearly got lynched, thrown straight out the firedoor.
January 8, 201214 yr I once slagged this guy called Steven Adkin off to all insundry for being a cunt of the highest order at a New Year party. I used "all insundry" instead of "all and sundry" for years until some cunt pulled me up for it on WW
January 8, 201214 yr Few years back I was busting for a shit in the middle of Manchester. Couldnt hold any longer so I runs into that Burger King at Picadilly, so shoots up stairs and runs into the first toilet I see. Sits down and has a good 10 minute dump, anyway, as i'm about to wipe up, I notices this odd looking bin next to me, so with curiosity I has a look in it, yep you've guessed it was a sanitary bin. Thought that was odd being a in a blokes shitter. So opens the cubical door to about 4 women all doing their make up in the mirrors, the look on their faces i'll never forget. One even screamed. Well I went very red, run out, and jumped on the 68 back to L/H.
January 8, 201214 yr I used "all insundry" instead of "all and sundry" for years until some cunt pulled me up for it on WW Thank you for pointing it out... you learn something new every day!
January 9, 201214 yr Theres nowt worse than after having an enjoyable fart at your desk, sat in your own stench, when a colleague unexpectedly comes straight over to go through something.
January 9, 201214 yr Theres nowt worse than after having an enjoyable fart at your desk, sat in your own stench, when a colleague unexpectedly comes straight over to go through something. Its become a common occurence for me that. Cant have a fart without some twat coming straight over these days.
January 9, 201214 yr I must be a heathen Couldn't care less if someone smells a fart I don't go out of my way to do it in front of someone but if one slips out, then tough tit I used to work with a nice lass, a bit tubby but sexy. Her office stunk worse than a cess pitt constantly. i wonder what became of her, not seen her for 18 years, Hazel was her name
January 9, 201214 yr Its become a common occurence for me that. Cant have a fart without some twat coming straight over these days. Whereas if I fart at work, i'll call someone over.
January 9, 201214 yr Another work one is when your speaking to someone who as a tiny bogey stuck to their nostril. Happens more regular than I would have thought, You can just say "oi youve got a bogey" or sit their not listening to what they are saying and idly wondering how someone could leave the house with a bogey stuck to their nostril. I usually do the latter.
January 9, 201214 yr I've never worked any place where colleagues are ashamed of their boffs. And I mainly work with women.
January 10, 201214 yr Author im sure a lot of dads can relate to this,but whilst bathing your baby.... theres nothing more uncomfortable than spotting one of your own pubic hairs surviving a pre-bath swill sat proudly on the forehead of your childs bolton rubber duck! quite a natural occurrence one would say.....but still not nice all the same!
January 10, 201214 yr I've never worked any place where colleagues are ashamed of their boffs. And I mainly work with women. Fragrant
January 10, 201214 yr around 1995, coming out of a garage once after paying for diesel, checking the receipt, putting the card back in the wallet, thinking about what i was doing next rather than the precise moment, opened the car door, got in, then thought: "shit, this isn't my car" a the same time as a young girl, about 12, screamed her head off in the back seat. Jumped out, but didn't want to run off, as ha would make it look like I was up to something, tried for a second in my panic to say shhh it's ok through he window, made matters worse, every cunt on the forecourt looking at me, two lads stared to come over, but were beaten to me by the girls dad, who, after listening to my explanation, through the tyre of he wheel he was pushing my head into, said, just fuck off before I kill you.! was a long walk the fairly short distance to the pump I was at I can tell you. make matters worse, I was in the f?cking works van, just had a car the same at home, just on auto pilot. was a f?ckin nightmare.
January 11, 201214 yr Just before Christmas last year. Was gritting paths at old folks place. One mon dressed like a tramp appeared, moaning. "You shouldn't be gritting- walks into my carpet" he went off one one. I bit my lip and just commented about the ungrateful old twat to my mate. A little while later we were back, clearing some fly tip from the side of this gaff. "Thanks for that, have a mince pie" says this smartly dressed old chap, who had appeared at the gate. "Thanks" I replied "Better than last time we were here-some miserable old cunt slagged us off for gritting his path" I continued. Reply "Yeah, It was me!"
January 11, 201214 yr A few years ago, was in a team trying to keep Jonny Fold clean! Turned up on this road to find a load a black bags outside this house. Nothing unusual there, so we started to throw them on the van. Looked up and saw this scrote watching, he said nowt. Thought he was a bit of a cunt- not only chucking his shit out, but then watching to make sure we'd picked it up. Brazen twat. We we just about to leave when this woman appears. "What are you doing?" she asks. "shifting this fly tip" my mate replies. "Fly tip- that's this fellas belongings- we've just evicted him!"
January 11, 201214 yr Ex mother and father in laws house got broken into whilst they were on holiday, got phone call to check property and make secure. House had been ransacked and polaroid pictures of mother in law doing all sorts of things with all the gear on thrown all over the house,the one with a lit candle stuck up her arse will haunt me for years. i just put them under the bed, when they came back they must of known but nothing was ever said
January 11, 201214 yr ...the one with a lit candle stuck up her arse will haunt me for years. Perhaps it was your ex Father-in-Law's birthday? maybe she let him blow it out, sang 'Happy Birthday' for him and then...(insert crude phrase here). Edited January 11, 201214 yr by Youri McAnespie
January 11, 201214 yr ,the one with a lit candle stuck up her arse will haunt me for years Initially I thought, how did you know it was lit? oh....it was that way
January 11, 201214 yr Ex mother and father in laws house got broken into whilst they were on holiday, got phone call to check property and make secure. House had been ransacked and polaroid pictures of mother in law doing all sorts of things with all the gear on thrown all over the house,the one with a lit candle stuck up her arse will haunt me for years. i just put them under the bed, when they came back they must of known but nothing was ever said That has to be the best ever post on any awkward thread ever!!! Every time I feel a bit down or pissed off, I'm going to come back and read that, there's nothing in life that can be as bad as that!
I recently had to go for a shite at my wifes parents house....a serious bout of misfire and bum-gargle to boot.
T'other day i asked a women i know in morrisons how her mum was,she replied 'i told you last week,she died of cancer in july'.
I recently realised id been calling a barman in my local by the wrong name for the past 2 years.