Snow_white

What is the best chat up line you've used or had used on you? I once knew a lad who's opening gambit was, "Scuse me love, do you know how to get skid marks off a sheep skin rug?" always worked, or so he said.

I'm on the third one now, the girl who kicked the hornet's nest but i find that there is just too many characters and my motivation to finish it has waned.

Have you seen what weed smokers turn into when you deny them the herb?

so you've never had hot yoghurt thrown over your chin NB?

Chester's are good. What's the purpose of your visit to the Lancashire riviera?

Ben Fogel, can't put my finger on it, suppose just a class war thing, hear that he's now buying an island in the outer hebrides how wonderful???

I know a lad who had his upcoming wedding date tattooed in one of those god awful roman numerals on his arm but instead of "MMXI" for 2011 he had "MMII" for 2002, let's just say he was not to plussed when someone pointed this out int boozer when he was showing everyone.

It use to wind me up when he would do that chipped ball towards the opposition corner flag which he would try to but back spin on so as to run in to the Bolton wingers path. However, more often than not it would bounce out of play, "well done Nicky lad...."

My mate is always getting himself into scrapes and his shagging stories are some what legendary. A few weeks ago after striking out, he decided to console himself with a kebab from the local pet sanctuary and got chatting to a local Kylie. Anyway after about twenty minutes of ground work he only ends up taking her round the back of it and back scuttling her over the bins. So any better stories to while away an otherwise drab Thursday afternoon?

Like those guys who end up in A&E with a sauce bottle up the arse who were only hanging some curtains in the nude when they fell back onto the dining table

like most golfers your are probably cutting across the ball, killing any power and giving that terrible slice. The answer is as you reach the top of your backswing your first movement should begin with your left hip uncoiling and allowing your arms to fall down. With the driver you want to catch it on the upswing, so ball off the left heel and have your shoulders tilted slightly up at address. Keep your grip light and your arms "goooey", and then it's all about tempo. Remember the it's a golf swing not a golf hit, the slower you swing the better results you will produce.

Upson is an awful centre half, how he has been capped so often by England shows you what dire straits our national team is in.

Sorry Biff that's too much of a measured balanced view for this forum, you have to be like the Wahidis, love him totally or despise the ground that he walks on and that his entire family die in a road accident.

What does it matter what the board paid for him whether he was free or cost ?10 million,it's the players ability and committment to the club that matters. Would you not agree Elmo has been played out of position a lot and had to play second fiddle to SKD as the focal point of our strike force? He was always going to move on thats football, i think we should remember that goal he scored against Wolves and wish him well.

what about those plastic fingers you put on the boot of your car so it looked like you had someone trapped inside or those crazy fake bulletholes you could put on your windows?

It's funny the criticism some teams get for there perceived style of play, Stoke, the Old Bolton,City and the plaudits other teams such as Spurs and Arsenal get. Football is a game played by eleven against eleven and surely it is down to the manager how he thinks his team of players are best suited to play. Everyone would like to play like Barca but if your players don't have their technical skills then this would be suicide. this country has always been great at developing physical players who are quick, fearless and strong, this obsession with trying to play European football has always seemed anachronistic. Is it best not to play to your strengths? Sure Arsenal play a lovely passing game but they lack the winning mentality of the DMBs. If you want entertainment watch Blackpool, lots of goals but i fear a lack of success (I for one hope Holloway stays in this division, he's a breath of fresh air from all the usual polished media trained managers). PS Why isn't Redknapp being slaughtered by the press for letting slip his teams healthy league position and letting the Kopites in? Nothing to do with all his pals in the London press.

A good friend of mine went to a "celebrity" wedding in Chesire. All of it was paid for by OK! magazine so they didn't stump up for anything including the honeymoon and got weighed in for the magazine article and these cheeky cunts still asked for cash. Now my pal, a normal bloke who works on the railways, had to fork out for his suit, his missus, accomoadation and then hotel prices for th'ale after the do. Funniest was all the celebs had there faces all over the pictures in the mag but the real people had a tiny two inch square photo in the bottom left hand page. They've still not cashed the cheque he gave them, i said to cancel it as they never sent any thank you cards afterwards.

did you ever see the Mitchell & Webb piss take of it? Two tv producers are discussing the least most amount of money to award as a prize to one of ten idiots. And then they say no one will watch ten idiots being idiots, but yes they will because they will no it's shite but be watching in an ironic post modern sense. After that I realised they were right. Why would ten "successful" business people subject themselves to ridicule for tv if they weren't born with an extra chromsome?

nigella, I'd f@cking destroy her.

if she'd been some single mother from Farnworth who'd locked her three kids in a room so she could go out on the piss in the Old town in Benidorm there would have been a witch hunt. But because it's a respectable middle class couple they are seen as the victims.

I hope West Ham go down because that David Sullivan is a tw@at of the highest order. Plus all this too good to go down, and Academy crap. If they're such an academy how come they've got an Israeli managing them?

Apparently they've moved the time of the service to fit in with prime time American tv networks.

well done Col, a wembley day out wouldn't be the same without you. Merseyside police fit up. Is any compensation in the offing?

don't think there is anything wrong in making yourself look good, however i do think when all the waxing and tweezering is going too far. Women want men to be men. A bit rough and tough. that is supposing of course you are doing it for the attention of females.

the truth is that many men do not actually watch football or for that matter like it. However as this seems to go against the popular idea of 'men' then many often opt for a default setting, ie some big team. United are an obvious choice, after Munich there was a lot of sympathy for them and with the myth of Best/Law/Charlton this has been perpetuated all over the world. The same can be said of Liverpool after all there success in the 70's and 80's. Again it can be seen now in the multiplication like mushrooms of supposed Chelsea fans. I know and again watch rugby league but there is no way i would say i have a team. Your team is something you are born into not something you choose when you get to school like a bike or favourite musical group. The hope is that one day football will get back to being a sport and not this commercial asset as it seems so fit to feel it needs to be.