So I'll try now.

 

You know your bum scissors, or log snippers, or cigar cutters, or cable ties, whatever you refer to them as? Well mine appear to be broken.

 

For the last few weeks I haven't had 1 clean "guillotine" of my daily muck. Up until then, I could usually rely on my pruners to leave a relatively small amount of wiping leftovers (ale and curry heavy nights not counting).

 

Now though, I'm seriously considering putting a bidet in the bathroom because I'm getting some right poor results. There's a recession on and I'm going through enough bog roll to destroy a forest.

 

Is it my age? Do bum scissors just stop working in your 30s? Am I facing 30+ years of needing to have shower after EVERY movement?

 

The only other option is the crack wax favoured by men who eat truffles, and that seems too drastic.

wet wipes help, but be careful not to black the petty with them.

A quick consultation with Dr Google suggests;

 

1. Stop the bumming.

2. Eat more vindaloo/phal.

I find that a high protein low fat diet produces good clean stiff dumps.

 

I sometimes go through phases of substituting bacon butties and building site food for bananas and protein shakes; not often enough it appears but alas - upon curling one out during such periods I often wonder if it was actually worth wiping such is the cleanliness of the paper.

 

I do think about rolling it back onto the toilet roll but think Doris would kick off if she found out.

 

So, in summary, you dont have enough protein in your diet or you have bowel cancer.

 

So, in summary, you dont have enough protein in your diet or you have bowel cancer.

Screamingly funny.Talk about kick a man while he's down.

So, in summary, you dont have enough protein in your diet or you have bowel cancer.

 

 

Sleep well, and dont have nightmares !!!

Get back on the codine diet, problem solved.

for 15 years ive rammed my mavis up there a lot and her cutters are sill fine unless my nob is smallish

my lord

for 15 years ive rammed my mavis up there a lot and her cutters are sill fine unless my nob is smallish

 

Hehe! Good man for cheering me up this dull afternoon!

So I'll try now.

 

You know your bum scissors, or log snippers, or cigar cutters, or cable ties, whatever you refer to them as? Well mine appear to be broken.

 

For the last few weeks I haven't had 1 clean "guillotine" of my daily muck. Up until then, I could usually rely on my pruners to leave a relatively small amount of wiping leftovers (ale and curry heavy nights not counting).

 

Now though, I'm seriously considering putting a bidet in the bathroom because I'm getting some right poor results. There's a recession on and I'm going through enough bog roll to destroy a forest.

 

Is it my age? Do bum scissors just stop working in your 30s? Am I facing 30+ years of needing to have shower after EVERY movement?

 

The only other option is the crack wax favoured by men who eat truffles, and that seems too drastic.

 

Sounds like piles to me

Sounds like piles to me

 

Could be Muck Tags.

IBS?

 

Slimy texture?

Gritty bits?

Tummy Gripes?

 

Buy shares in a bog roll company

Bidet in the bathroom, you Tory, Get yer arse in the sink. Those Japanese bidets what dry yer arse to are brill if your rich

You could try eating two cans of baked beans and eight ounces of dry sand. That way when you fart you can grit blast your clackervalve at the same time.

how god is it though when you drop a cleanskin, and you draw an ace staright away? feels like christmas!

 

I share your frustration though, its usually a full deck before the ace comes out, leaves my ricker in ribbons!

Edited February 15, 201016 yr by Totty

Get back on the codine diet, problem solved.

 

i've had 6 codeines today to cover a headache.

 

Try as I might, I couldn't even squeeze a marble out on tonight's sitting.

 

This means that tomorrow's session could be a real test for the pruners.

 

2 things have already emerged from this thread:

 

1. I don't want Smiffs as a doctor anymore

 

2. Little Whitt has just made my day. He's made his missus hole weak. Fnarr.

Get back on the codine diet, problem solved.

 

I was on Codeine after the removal of my wisdom teeth. Took em for 4 days before I read

 

about the side effects and then I realised that I hadn't been, so to speak. To cut a long story

 

short I was on the bog after taking some laxatives for a full morning the next day,

 

trying to pass something akin to a house brick. The nearest thing to male childbirth.

3 weeks ago after a 5 day stint in hospital on a diet consisting of a mixture of tremedol,co-codamol and drip-fed morphine(in which i had my own little trigger to inject myself whenever i felt i had apporiate pain!)i came out,if not floated out and after being at home for a couple of days encounterd the dreaded snipites! upon comment to the doctor i said it was like three glasgow to london 1st class virgin trains passing through without stopping while going at 2 miles per hour! he said it was down to the medicene,and try and eat plenty of fibre and drink loads of fruit juice,thus making it more regular and solid.

My arse is like an earthquake.

 

Small little tremors now and again is nothing to worry about. Its when I go a few days that I realise its building up to something huge.

 

Throw in a few beers and a curry and its off the richter scale

Has anyone ever weighed their poo?

Just curious as to who would win.

We could have a league table

Has anyone ever weighed their poo?

Just curious as to who would win.

We could have a league table

 

I did 3 logs t'other day the size of babies legs - do i win?

Also,had one this morn - and it wouldn't disappear even after 3 flushes!

No Bogs, they couldve been hollow, or like Aero Chocolate. Weighing will decide the true daddy

I like those when you get the 'codoshhhh' and you look down to inspect and its vanished on its way to Blackpool Beach. Ive just started eating porridge in the mornings and its ace for heavy solid rascals

I've mentioned it on here before, but I've always wondered what they taste of.

 

One day I'll get round to sampling one

Guillotine update:

 

A day off codeine and back to (ab)normal I'm afraid.

 

It's like trying to cut cloth with safety scissors.

 

The real problems occur when I think the unsnipped portion has stuck to one side of my arse and it turns out a smaller nugget has hidden on the other. Bang. Back in the shower.

 

On a lighter note, I saw a great big fat person fall over today.