"Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped. "I see from the light that Papa's mausoleum is finally finished. A fitting resting place for a great man do you not think?".
"Aye love, but there's just a few things to add".
"What, like his favourite flowers such as the rose he carefully cultivated - Red Indian . It won such honours at the Chelsea Flower Festival. Do you remember?"
"Aye, that was the time I got arrested on the Fulham Road for being drunk and disorderly in charge of a suffragette. It was only thanks to your lawyer uncle that I got off with 20 hours community service in St.Jimmy's refuge for downtrodden scullery maids".
"Yes, and if I recall correctly, you went back to court to ask it to be increased to 4 months".
"Well, one always has to act upon one's conscience".
"Or maybe", she opined wearily, "the collar of his late lamented best friend of a Labrador, Darkie"
"Aye, poor Darkie, it was a sad day when I had to put him down."
"But Mister Darcy, all he had was a thorn in his foot".
"You can't be too careful chuck; one word - rabies. It did for your sister after I scuttled her by that badger set. Never again I vowed after that. Put me right off my stroke when she started convulsing".
"Anyhow, I was thinking more like a dartboard and minibar to be honest".
"Oh Mr Darcy" she gasped "Fruiting poppies, how romantic. A shower, a cascade that is inextricably indicative of our love eternal. I'm so thrilled".
"Fruiting opium poppies, love. Opium! This time next year we'll have the laudanum trade between here and Garstang in our pockets. We can finally buy your mother that glass eye she so desperately wants"
"Well that WAS your fault Mister Darcy" she glared accusingly (and somewhat ironically).
"Aye but to be fair I had to practice rat shooting somewhere; you were always on at me about how infested that outdoor bog by the summerhouse is. I wasn't to know she was on it at the time."
"And it has to be said, for the record, that half a bottle of your father's Glen Hoddle single malt more than played its part".
"Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped "I'm so happy you accept the hand of a low born gypsy girl and have absorbed our culture, our language and codes. We live an honorable and simple life - come and see my caravan. My beloved Dej - or should I say my Mama in English - has decked it out in floral tribute for the 3 day wedding feast, with music and dancing! Families from around the country have travelled far and wide and this will go down in folklore as a marriage that transcends boundaries and breaks down barriers. We will cement a new era of peace and understanding, ridding ourselves of prejudice and vile stereotypes".
"And of course" she blushed timidly, with a smile teetering between first time apprehension and a lustful, loving thrill for the powerful unknown that was utterly beyond the comprehension of that which her sheltered life had thus far given her "it is where we will finally consummate our beloved union".
"Aye love, but when does the robbing start? I know for a fact the back door of the vestry at St Jude's is unlocked this time of night as the verger gives Mrs Watson from the Townswomen's Guild a good seeing to at her place every Thursday. Plus that roof is leaded. Why do you think I brought them ladders?"
"Oh Mr Darcy" she quivered
"Midnight on a moonlit Tuesday evening, with us just us two - and only the faintest breeze wafting in the chilled night air for company. A subliminal whisper enhanced, now and then, by far away cries. Hark to them! Owls or foxes no doubt, as if some ancient battle from times gone by is being played out in the temporal aether. Oh how romantic!"
"Aye love, Mansfield after a hard fought midweek away win - you can't beat it! It'll be kicking off down town, that's what you can hear."
" Well that's as maybe" she said, composing herself, "but I'm intrigued by that magnificent erection. Can you explain it?"
"It'll be them new fangled Viagra pills you got from the apothecary, Dr Dose. Knew they'd come in handy soon enough."
"But Mister Darcy" she blushed with just a hint of contritional guilt "I have to confess that I was convinced you asked me to get his patented laxative pills, Niagara ? You know, the ones we use to, shall I say, clear the horses out? As the good doctor's famous slogan says on the bottle, 'guaranteed to shift a ton of hay....in half a day!' "
"Fucking hell love, wait here while go behind them stones. Rip us a bit of that dress off for bog roll; there's enough of it, and after all, your arse can't be that big."
"Mind you, thinking about it," he shouted, as sprinting and reflecting for just a moment in his understandable haste, "I also said that about your cousin - and remember how that ended up!"
"Don't let the club stagecoach special go without us" he then uttered urgently as he hastened to "inspect" the ancient monument, his voice getting fainter in the ever colder night air.
"I don't want to spend the night in Mansfield with the shits."
"Again"
"Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped. "I see from the light that Papa's mausoleum is finally finished. A fitting resting place for a great man do you not think?". "Aye love, but there's just a few things to add". "What, like his favourite flowers such as the rose he carefully cultivated - Red Indian . It won such honours at the Chelsea Flower Festival. Do you remember?" "Aye, that was the time I got arrested on the Fulham Road for being drunk and disorderly in charge of a suffragette. It was only thanks to your lawyer uncle that I got off with 20 hours community service in St.Jimmy's refuge for downtrodden scullery maids". "Yes, and if I recall correctly, you went back to court to ask it to be increased to 4 months". "Well, one always has to act upon one's conscience". "Or maybe", she opined wearily, "the collar of his late lamented best friend of a Labrador, Darkie" "Aye, poor Darkie, it was a sad day when I had to put him down." "But Mister Darcy, all he had was a thorn in his foot". "You can't be too careful chuck; one word - rabies. It did for your sister after I scuttled her by that badger set. Never again I vowed after that. Put me right off my stroke when she started convulsing". "Anyhow, I was thinking more like a dartboard and minibar to be honest". "Oh Mr Darcy" she gasped "Fruiting poppies, how romantic. A shower, a cascade that is inextricably indicative of our love eternal. I'm so thrilled". "Fruiting opium poppies, love. Opium! This time next year we'll have the laudanum trade between here and Garstang in our pockets. We can finally buy your mother that glass eye she so desperately wants" "Well that WAS your fault Mister Darcy" she glared accusingly (and somewhat ironically). "Aye but to be fair I had to practice rat shooting somewhere; you were always on at me about how infested that outdoor bog by the summerhouse is. I wasn't to know she was on it at the time." "And it has to be said, for the record, that half a bottle of your father's Glen Hoddle single malt more than played its part". "Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped "I'm so happy you accept the hand of a low born gypsy girl and have absorbed our culture, our language and codes. We live an honorable and simple life - come and see my caravan. My beloved Dej - or should I say my Mama in English - has decked it out in floral tribute for the 3 day wedding feast, with music and dancing! Families from around the country have travelled far and wide and this will go down in folklore as a marriage that transcends boundaries and breaks down barriers. We will cement a new era of peace and understanding, ridding ourselves of prejudice and vile stereotypes". "And of course" she blushed timidly, with a smile teetering between first time apprehension and a lustful, loving thrill for the powerful unknown that was utterly beyond the comprehension of that which her sheltered life had thus far given her "it is where we will finally consummate our beloved union". "Aye love, but when does the robbing start? I know for a fact the back door of the vestry at St Jude's is unlocked this time of night as the verger gives Mrs Watson from the Townswomen's Guild a good seeing to at her place every Thursday. Plus that roof is leaded. Why do you think I brought them ladders?" "Oh Mr Darcy" she quivered "Midnight on a moonlit Tuesday evening, with us just us two - and only the faintest breeze wafting in the chilled night air for company. A subliminal whisper enhanced, now and then, by far away cries. Hark to them! Owls or foxes no doubt, as if some ancient battle from times gone by is being played out in the temporal aether. Oh how romantic!" "Aye love, Mansfield after a hard fought midweek away win - you can't beat it! It'll be kicking off down town, that's what you can hear." " Well that's as maybe" she said, composing herself, "but I'm intrigued by that magnificent erection. Can you explain it?" "It'll be them new fangled Viagra pills you got from the apothecary, Dr Dose. Knew they'd come in handy soon enough." "But Mister Darcy" she blushed with just a hint of contritional guilt "I have to confess that I was convinced you asked me to get his patented laxative pills, Niagara ? You know, the ones we use to, shall I say, clear the horses out? As the good doctor's famous slogan says on the bottle, 'guaranteed to shift a ton of hay....in half a day!' " "Fucking hell love, wait here while go behind them stones. Rip us a bit of that dress off for bog roll; there's enough of it, and after all, your arse can't be that big." "Mind you, thinking about it," he shouted, as sprinting and reflecting for just a moment in his understandable haste, "I also said that about your cousin - and remember how that ended up!" "Don't let the club stagecoach special go without us" he then uttered urgently as he hastened to "inspect" the ancient monument, his voice getting fainter in the ever colder night air. "I don't want to spend the night in Mansfield with the shits." "Again"
