dci_bwfc Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Come on, you bunch of comedians must have a few new jokes? To share one, heard this one the other week: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stephen Hawkins in a house fire...................!
Churchill Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 How long does a pube stay on a toilet seat for?? Until it get's pissed off!! DCI's is very funny!Thatilike!
Traf Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look. F?ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been f?cked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".
no balls Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and saw two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say "hello" to those 2 tampons?" The other pad responded, "no way, they're stuck up c?nts."
Smiffs Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epileptic pig. Boom fcukin boom
Electric Gretar Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 In a recent survey asking if the immigration problem in Britain was getting out of control, 23% said Yes, 15% said No, 62% said ........shditzain oskqwueja
dci_bwfc Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 In a recent survey asking if the immigration problem in Britain was getting out of control, 23% said Yes, 15% said No, 62% said ........shditzain oskqwueja Quality!!! (or however that is spelt in Belarusian?)
Danny G Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic? A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!
Smiffs Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead." "My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."
dead than red Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 A man goes to a singles club for the over 60s. In the corner he spots a very well dressed attractive lady, so goes over to tap her up. "Excuse me" he asks, "but do you realise this club is for OVER 60 year olds only?" The lady replies "oh yes. I'm 66 years old" Thinking on his feet, and going for the kill, he says "i would have put you mid forties at the oldest!" Feeling flattered, she asks him "how about coming back to my place for sex?" "fantastic" he replies. She takes him to her big posh house, and leads him upstairs to a huge bedroom with king size four poster bed. The room is littered with hand cuffs, chains, vibrators and all sorts of sex toys. "are you into threesomes" she asks "Ive never done that" he says "but ive allways fancied it" "what about a bit of mother and daughter?" she asks "ABSOLOUTELY FANTASTIC!" he sreams "right" says the woman "you get your kit off. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and ill fetch my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sweep Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and i spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean. Whats the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway!
Maggie Tate Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Bloke goes to a materials factory to get some stuff from a man called John. 'Is John in?' 'No, he's out. Picking some cotton up.' 'Alright, I'll come back morn.' Next day, same thing again. 'Is John in?' 'He's out picking some cotton up sorry.' 'No problem, I'll come back tomorrow.' Next day 'Is John in?' 'Nay, he's dead.' 'Dead?' 'Massive heart attack last night. Big shock.' 'Oh. Alright.' So as he walks out through reception there's a big bunch of flowers on the counter. He looks at the label on them and it says: 'To John, gone but not for cotton'
Smiffs Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Owd Ethel is sat at the bingo one night. 'Now then Ethel, hows your Fred?' asked a mate 'Dead', she replied. 'Fred's dead?' 'Aye. Was up in the allotment getting some carrots to go with our tea, keeled over and died on the spot' said Ethel. 'Oh no, thats terrible. What did you do when you found out?' asks Connie (lets give her a name eh, Connie) 'I opn'd a tin o' peys instead'.
fatolive Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 took a girl for a meal at that french place last night, she had chicken breast and frogs legs, lovely personality though
Totty Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 why should you never shag a dwarf with downs syndrome? because its not big and its not clever
fatolive Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 two men and a woman stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck, after a while their instincts took over and began doing what "came naturally," after a month of this, the woman felt so bad and depressed about doing it with two men and strangers at that, she topped herself. the men were gutted and had none for ages, but then desperation and sexual frustration took over and they began to do what came "semi naturally". after a while of this, the men became depressed about doing what was not "really what nature intended" and so decided to do the honourable thing and................. they buried her.
Burndens Bogs Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Bloke goes to a materials factory to get some stuff from a man called John. 'Is John in?' 'No, he's out. Picking some cotton up.' 'Alright, I'll come back morn.' Next day, same thing again. 'Is John in?' 'He's out picking some cotton up sorry.' 'No problem, I'll come back tomorrow.' Next day 'Is John in?' 'Nay, he's dead.' 'Dead?' 'Massive heart attack last night. Big shock.' 'Oh. Alright.' So as he walks out through reception there's a big bunch of flowers on the counter. He looks at the label on them and it says: 'To John, gone but not for cotton'
Traf Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The bloke next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the bloke's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Ashey Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The bloke next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the bloke's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." ::::::
Burndens Bogs Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The bloke next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the bloke's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." Nice one
Sweep Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 In March 1989 i received a letter from Dirk Schade of Naumburg 4800,Germany which read as follows"I am 21 years old,i take an interest in football and i am a fan of Carl-Zeiss Jena.i want to exchange programmes,and souvenirs and i also collect badges and stickers.I got your address from the Spurs v Chelsea programme 24 November 1984" "I have written to Dirk quoting my present age of 84 and being out of touch with young football supporters,i have said that perhaps you may help in finding a more lively young pen friend" Now George, prior to August 1989 the Berlin Wall was still in place, so it must have been very difficult for young Dirk to collect programmes from anywhere other than his own country, and it was probably an expensive hobby for him as well. To your knowledge, were programmes regularly produced for East German teams, and indeed teams in other nations behind the iron curtain before the "wall fell"?
bolty58 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Bowtoner were waiting at the Old Links one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Bowtoner fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls" The Bowtoner said, "Why can't they f*cking play at night?"
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