Electric Gretar Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks." The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, ?Potatoes".
Burndens Bogs Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks." The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, ?Potatoes". That might work better as an Englishman,Scotsman,and a Irishman type joke
Sweep Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 That might work better as an Englishman,Scotsman,and a Irishman type joke but surely that would be racist...............
Electric Gretar Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Before we broke up my last girlfriend screamed at me "I never want to see you again!". So I replaced her eye drops with battery acid. If you are what you eat, does that mean Americans eat fat c*nts? A blonde called Margaret Shithouse decides she has lived long enough with her embarrassing name, so she goes to the solicitors to change her name by deed poll. The solicitor asks "What would you like it changed to?" She replies "Samantha" I rang the local ramblers club yesterday. The pussy at the other end went on and on and on . Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Brad Pitt are walking along a street when Kylie trips, falls and jams her head into the railings. Brad, quick as a flash pulls down her knickers and gives her a right good ragging from behind. Brad turns to Elton and says "Your turn", at which point Elton begins to cry relentlessly. "Whats wrong" asks Brad. "My ragging head wont fit in those railings" replies Elton This woman is spring cleaning her house, and while she is standing on a chair getting the cobwebs down little Johnny can see right up her skirt "Whats that mum, that hairy thing up there" says little Johnny whilst pointing at her fanny, realising she did not put her knickers on his mum said "Oh, its my nerve", just then the doorbell rang and little Johnny answered it, standing there was a bloke in a suit who says "Hello, i'm from addis, we make brushes, anything from sweeping brushes to toilet brushes, this is a new brush to clean the inside of a teapot, its only a tenner, can you ask your mother if she would like to buy it please, So little Johnny tells his mum and shows her the brush and she says "A tenner for that, the thieving bastard, no, tell him i don't want it" So johnny goes back to the bloke and says "Mum doesn't want it , you're a thieving bastard", the bloke says "You what?" and johnny says again "Mum doesn't want it and your a thieving bastard", so the bloke says "Well you tell your mum she's got a ragging nerve", and liitle johnny replies "Yes, and its got a lot more hairs on it than your ragging brush" A guy meets a girl in a bar - "Hi, what's your name?" he says. "Carmen, because I like cars and men! And what's your name?" she replies. "Charlie Beercunt!" says the guy.
dickie Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime. Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
White on Tyne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."
Ashey Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Brad Pitt are walking along a street when Kylie trips, falls and jams her head into the railings. Brad, quick as a flash pulls down her knickers and gives her a right good ragging from behind. Brad turns to Elton and says "Your turn", at which point Elton begins to cry relentlessly. "Whats wrong" asks Brad. "My ragging head wont fit in those railings" replies Elton ::::::
Churchill Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime. Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." Now this is a joke!!
MickyD Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A dwarf with a lisp goes to the horse fair to buy a horse. "What are you looking for?" asks the horse seller. "I'd weally like a female horth" says the dwarf So the seller goes and brings back a mare. "Could I thee her eyeth?" asks the dwarf The seller lifts the dwarf to the horses head so he can see into it's eyes. "Mmm, nith eyes." says the dwarf. "Could I thee her teeth?" The seller lifts up the dwarf to the horses mouth so he can inspect the teeth. "Mmm, nith teeth," says the dwarf. "Could I thee her twot?" The seller lifted the dwarf until his nose was touching the horses fanny. "Maybe I should wephwase that. Could I thee her wun awound?"
fishbulb Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A dwarf with a lisp goes to the horse fair to buy a horse. "What are you looking for?" asks the horse seller. "I'd weally like a female horth" says the dwarf So the seller goes and brings back a mare. "Could I thee her eyeth?" asks the dwarf The seller lifts the dwarf to the horses head so he can see into it's eyes. "Mmm, nith eyes." says the dwarf. "Could I thee her teeth?" The seller lifts up the dwarf to the horses mouth so he can inspect the teeth. "Mmm, nith teeth," says the dwarf. "Could I thee her twot?" The seller lifted the dwarf until his nose was touching the horses fanny. "Maybe I should wephwase that. Could I thee her wun awound?" Classic! What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you f*cking racist!
Danny G Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "fcuk me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Sweep Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look. F?ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been f?cked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first". Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look. F?ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been f?cked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Danny G Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 looks like Traf has copied and pasted form the same joke site as me!! Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline." She says, "Smell the rim."
William Bear Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 anyone had the 'just been for a ruby up great lever' one?..
Traf Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 One for the 'Gers fans: An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what you put you old mum through? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "You what!!? Out of here, you shameless tart! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as you wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for ?5 million." "For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it you said you had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Traf Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "fcuk off, you won't bring it back."
Traf Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "no, but I've told a donkey to f?ck off." How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
Burndens Bogs Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 anyone had the 'just been for a ruby up great lever' one?.. Yeh,off Pud just after Spain v Russia started.
William Bear Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 our peg was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Traf Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 our peg was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
dickie Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
H Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu. I'll get mi coat.
superjohnmcginlay Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Teacher asks the class for a ten letter word. Johnny shouts out "masterbate!" "Oh" said the teacher "thats a mouthfull" "No" replied Johnny "You're thinking Blowjob and thats 7 letters!"
Totty Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash. Once everyone had stopped pissing themselves, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him. I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances. "Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
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