I've spent three hours looking for birds I know on there to wind up because I'm in one of them moods. Anyhow, I gets speaking to this rather tasty piece, by my standards, she tells me I sound genuine etc and I thinks 'Fcuk me, I'm in here, I was only fannying about'. Now I remember Jazza having a dabble on there and I'm just wondering is it just a knocking shop or are they really after a hubby/ Long term relationship etc?

Reads like the letters pages of Razzle twenty years ago, a load of bollocks - she's wearing jeans for a start...

 

Inspector Youri Columbo.

 

2 different tops clouseau, and who takes pics on a first date?!

 

They'll be her profile pics

 

Had a couple of "dates" like that myself via these websites

 

Not everytime, but when you strike gold it makes it all worth while

2 different tops clouseau, and who takes pics on a first date?!

 

They'll be her profile pics

 

Had a couple of "dates" like that myself via these websites

 

Not everytime, but when you strike gold it makes it all worth while

 

Come on, tell the class

 

pictures of her will help

Fish, fish, fish, twas a most peculiar fish, and it went wherever I did go...

 

Here fishy fishy fishy.

Ok, another little game of guess who. Guess who got some Love Dog cock this afternoon ? Look at the 2 specimens below, take account of all my previous conquests and make that decision....

 

Correct....it's the fat retarded one. Jackie, 42 from Morley.

 

For over 5 hours yesterday I was grooming and cajoling ladies on Plenty of Fish. I use the term 'lady' fairly loosely, some of them belong at Chester Zoo. Got a few numbers, spoke to a few decent sorts, but no cunt was biting. Eventually I find a bint in Pontefract who I end up visiting and she turns out to be a fruitcake as I've mentioned elsewhere and I got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

 

This afternoon however, I flick on the laptop, log into Plenty and within 5 minutes only I've booked a place in at Jackie's who lives about 5 minutes away from me. Hubba Hubba, get in, let's go to work !!!

 

I mean I'm hardly chomping at the bit to meet another chunk after the PIP 25 episode and my brush with death....but the Dog could use an empty and Jackie was making it quite clear what she wanted this afternoon....."Get round here now and fuck my pussy hard......" Little cherub

 

So the customery wash of the chap, a splash of aftershave, even brushed my teeth for the cunt. Off I go. Bright sunny day, scantily clad ladies everywhere, it's like a sea of tits before my hungry eyes. Within literally 5 minutes I'm parked outside fatty Jackie's. There's a twitch of the curtain and a round head comes into view. Lovely. I'm about to get sucked off by a beach ball. To be honest my expectation level was decidedly low but as the door swung back the view wasn't as horrific as I was expecting. She was bold enough to be stood there in just a floaty negligee, huge pots pulling at the seams. "Good afternoon Madam, I'm here about the sex !" She laughs out loud at my greeting and I step into her shitty house stepping over crap on the carpet. House stinks like an ashtray and there is a smog floating around the living room.

 

"Don't mind if I smoke do ya luv ?!" No no, please carry on, you weren't mates with Roy Castle were you ??

 

I'm praying for the end of the cigarette. I need to get on with proceedings and have my dirty hands up her underwear. The tits look mighty fine and I'm already contemplating firing my fat on them. Eventually she stubs out the fag and she's on me. Kissing frantically, pulling at my jeans, she soon has my lad out and shakes it like a bottle of tomato sauce. Steady on love, I plan on using this fucker again after I've battered you

 

Anyway, I unleash the monster cans. Big dark nipples on them. I return the compliment of her hand job by sucking and biting them, but she seems to enjoy it. Let's go upstairs she commands, and I follow her fat arse up the stairs, again stepping over crap and what looks like a pair of her rather dirty knickers. Holy fuck, I hope you've cleaned your snatch darling.

 

Jackie whips off her negligee, sprawls across the bed exposing a nice trim burger. I go down for a chew straight away and thankfully I can tell it was washed prior to my arrival. She climaxes in my face in no time. No lady can resist the mighty Turbo Tongue. She's thrashing around like a harpooned whale and doing little to keep her voice down. The bedroom windows are wide open and every cunt on the street is having a BBQ and now listening to their neighbour Jackie getting beasted. I flip it's legs over my shoulders, slip in the pipe and jab at it for a good 30 seconds. Her screaming gets louder, I here laughter down the street and some cunt clapping providing encouragement. The finale is quite impressive. I jizz all over her tits and leave her lying there panting and sweating. Congratualations Jackie you have been cemented into the PIP archives and join a growing list of very fat women.

 

My exit plan worked well and after I've mopped up, slipped my clothes back on, I'm out the door and back in the car. There's a few knowing glances from the neighbours. I wave at them and I'm away..

 

Seriously need to up the quality next time round. I want something young, firm and pretty. I'm sure Plenty will throw up a few more candidates. I'm on it again already ! Tales from the PIP side. As ever, thanks for listening

"holy fuck i hope youve cleaned your snatch darling" - in pieces here

 

 

Come on, tell the class

 

pictures of her will help

 

Went out

 

Got pissed

 

Got laid

 

Ok its hardly like that Yorkshire jackanory but you get the gist

 

They always say "I don't normally do this" as well

 

So you just tell em to get more practice in for next time

funny as fuck

 

This guy should put a book together, might get a little samey after a while mind.

 

What the fuck is that glow stick all about?

 

If he has run that through I dread to see the one that he doorsteped and ran from in Pontefract.

Edited February 19, 201214 yr by birch-chorley

I suspect Kenny Senior of Leeds is telling porkies, albeit interesting ones. Women don't say "pussy", surely.

Your right, its not like Yorkshire jackanory.

 

NB... Have another look at the state of that picture, I wouldnt put anything past her.

 

A fucking glowstick on a profile pick

scary site that...

 

I've just been on to try and cancel the emails they send, ( i signed up when i was single).. had some interesting "dates" off that site

 

anyhoo theres a girl on there that they've reccomended, i'm 99% certain its a family friends daughter i know who's actually 14 !!

Your right, its not like Yorkshire jackanory.

 

NB... Have another look at the state of that picture, I wouldnt put anything past her.

 

A fucking glowstick on a profile pick

 

Possibly, I've just spotted the Lambrini. There really is another subculture within our society.

Possibly, I've just spotted the Lambrini. There really is another subculture within our society.

 

She looks Native American to me, fuck knows how many of them are in Leeds.

Peculiar bank holiday has just passed. Spent most of it spaced out on Tramadol to ease my broken nose. The number one choice of the working man ..And who should fall into my lap at the weekend ? Yes, 2 Pantomime ugly Sisters. Sometimes you try and try and message snatch all night on Plenty and get nowhere, then 2 roll up out of the blue and demand cock. The bus stop effect. Bus Stop Pussy if you please....

 

So number 27, Emma, 20 something from Leeds. We're actually ex work colleagues from a bank I used to 'work' at. Actually I used to walk around admiring the quality of gash that worked there and spent most days re-arranging my underpants. Emma of course was not amongst those beauties but we used to flirt outrageously especially in the stockroom where she let me first touch her clit piercing. Very unabashed kind of girl (i.e. a slut)

 

 

But Emma and myself had never done the deed. Never concluded months of teasing. But on Friday night we rekindled the flames of desire on Facebook. As her chap was away for the weekend she invited me around Saturday afternoon for a 'catch up'. It was pretty obvious this catch up would involve my balls banging against her backdoor. Obviously her score in the looks department were limited but I do recall it having a rather fit body on it. The body of Pamela Anderson with the face of Clive Anderson if you please.....

 

So it's a pleasant Saturday afternoon, I'm tripping on my 3rd Tramadol of the day and I travel out to a remote corner called Kippax. Park up my motor, march up the path, tappy tap on the door......"Hi Emma ! It's been so long !" And the Dog is in. She's made an effort clothing wise and her tight black top unbottoned further than would be publicly acceptable displays a nice tidy pair in a push up type bra. Hubba Hubba ..Her assets certainly make up for that bashed in face I can tell you.

 

Now the PIP 27 tale was never going to be an exciting affair, because the next hour was so completely indescipt I have nothing to tell you really. Emma was quiet and shy, we cuddled up on her sofa whilst watching some chart music gash on the TV and my wandering hands began to weave their magic. Never met any resistance as I unleashed a pot from the bra and nibbled it, never flinched as I snaked my fingers into her pants and tickled the beaver and never blinked as I pulled off her jeans and G-String. Almost in a coma like strance she laid there in silence as I got down to it and barely murmured. Suit yourself love.....but the Dog is going to beast you now ..

 

The old tongue did bring a murmur from Clive and I must say it was a treat to find the piercing still in place. Flicked it mercilessly with the tongue and as her panting grew stronger I slid in the pipe and got to work. Think she even blinked at one point as my Love Ketchup spattered her chest, then she just laid there, eyes closed and muttered "oh yes...."

 

I've just poked a dead body

 

So that basically was Emma. I believe nerves caught hold of her that afternoon and she was the victim of a drive-by fucking. I'm gone.....

 

Onto Sunday. With the prospect of no work the following day and after the rather damp squibb PIP 27 effort from Saturday I needed another poke. Something with a pulse and a hungry snatch. Step forward Sheila, 39 (yeah right love !!!!) from Shipley. A real hard-faced woman but with a complete air of desperation about her. This has been nailed on for several weeks but I've kept it on hold on account of being, well how can I put it ? Yes.....ugly.

 

 

It's painfully obvious that from the photos Sheila was not 39. Fuck sake with a name like Sheila she couldn't have been born in the 70s for a kick off. I deduce later that Sheila is in fact 43. And I still think she's lying....

 

The most disturbing thing about Sheila though is that she is in fact a Girl Racer. Now the Boy Racer section of society fills me with a peculiar sense of loathing, but Girl Racers should be beaten with a stick. I just don't get it So we spend much of the night at this remote pub talking about BHP, calipers, exhaust systems.....what is this cunt taking about ? The effect is all the more bizarre as old leather-face seems to be nudging 50 and is practically flicking her bean telling me about a Sabaru she once owned. And I will confess the Dog knows fuck all about cars. I like a nice car, but I don't want to rebuild the fucker or put my dick in it's exhaust....know what I'm saying ?

 

Nevertheless, Leatherface has a sexual quality to her. She has that twinkle in the eye that promises good ball slurping action and bedroom acrobatics. Already half cut and Sheila in a similar state (we'd been smashing back pints of Peroni) we decide to go all rock n' roll and book into the neighbouring Premier Inn and go halves. Seemed a tidy arrangement. Despite the face once again PIP 28 had a reasonable body and one that defied her years. She'll do

 

Never done a Premier Inn before and may I be the first to put forward my recommendation. Good clean, well presented room. No fuss. Just stylish and a huge bed to chuck this monster around on. Let's go to work !

 

Leatherface disappears into the bathroom to presumably reapply her make-up....

 

 

 

She slides into bed and is greeted by a rather bollock naked Love Dog...."Oh aye ! What are you expecting tonight ?!" Oh at ?54 per night darling I thought we'd watch the news and read the newspapers ...GET YOUR FUCKING KNICKERS OFF !!!!!

 

Sheila is a far better participant than her previous Pip. She takes my chap into her mouth and provides an accomplished nosh. I reach down for the dripping gash and comfortably slide a few fingers in. All systems go, the pie is ready. Let's give this girl racer full throttle. I get behind it, pull it's bumper onto my peg and smash it violently for a few minutes. The beer taking that desired effect of keeping the wolf from the door again. She shouts encouragment and I pull her hair for no particular reason at all. I flip it over once or twice, bash away until I'm out of breath, but just can't get there. We eventually pass out after the wine we'd smuggled into the room, the Tramadol taking full effect now and leaving me a dribbling mess.

 

I make atones in the morning however and put my EMH (early morning hardon) into full use. I insert it into Tutankhamun and after an energetic 30 seconds release an impressive wad into her face. GTI love....feel the FORCE !!!!

 

We gather our shit and check out of the hotel. I pray no one is going to spot me, I'm within a few miles from home and Super Gran on my arm aint a good image. She drives me home in her 'suped-up whatever it was', I step out of the car and she wheel spins away giving me a cursory wave. Drive faster love....I don't wanna see you again

 

And there is was. Double Delight ? Double Shite more like. Tales from the PIP side. Thanks for listening

Never shagged a Yorkshire wench, closest was Danny Wilsons ex bird from Chesterfield in Crete summer 83.

I suspect, in reality, the one in jeans and a mac is much muckier and sexually fulfilling than the 14 year old in the banana lycra frock.

 

Youri, you have a lot to learn, son.

 

Hang on a minute, I've never stated a preference for that young (underage?) girl.

As for everyone else, 'kin ell - anyone'd think I'd said there was no such thing as Father Christmas. If people are getting their oats via this site then fair play to 'em...

fuck me gonzo ime in tears hear were do i sign up for such a sight

Well finally it happened. I had claimed that my bad days had passed and having spent nearly a year at Mummy's, I'd finally returned home to Mrs Dog. But snatch is never far from my radar. The Love Dog is that preverbial fanny magnet. And PIP 36 came in the shape of Emma a new work colleague. And what a shape it is.....a fat rotund one. A walking bouncy castle, if you please.....

 

 

As many of you know, The Love Dog works for a high street bank as a mortgage adviser. Very occasionally you get switched around, moved onto a new branch. 3 weeks ago I was shifted to pastures new which always brings that sense of optimism and that familiar tingle in the sack.....what's the muff gunna be like there ...

 

There's always that added benefit of working in a branch where you're one of maybe only 3 blokes in a female dominated environment. And my new branch didn't disappoint. Only one other chap, ok a Leeds fan, but a face that belonged in the Beano. The Dog had snatch sniffing around from day one ...

 

I was getting particular vibes from one of the cashiers, Emma, mainly as she got up from her seat and the ground shook around her. A 'Big Unit' as us gentlemen call it. Lovely girl to be honest, pretty eyes, a big heart, an even bigger arse to match. But what did I care.....fat or thin, slip it in. The old motto remains.

 

 

A rather flattering picture we have here stolen from her Facebook pages. Evidently one of those body shaping corsets that transform size 20s into size 14s. We'd spent a few lunch hours together chatting about "how busy the branch was", "what did you do last night", just boring bollocks. Not one to be conceited she clearly wanted my cock. Flushed evertime I spoke to her, played with her hair, adjusted her fat tits in her bra....the usual signs. And for me the chase and the early flirtations are the best. It was only a matter of time

 

Now Emma and myself conveniently share the same mid-week day off as we work Saturdays. "What are you doing on your day off tomorrow ?" she enquires last week. "Fuck all really, why don't we go feed some ducks or something together ?" I mockingly suggest. She plays along and says that would be lovely. Just before close of business I get the email I was anticipating.

 

Text me tomorrow if you do fancy doing anything, even feeding some ducks !

 

It's on. She may as well have said, come round to mine tomorrow and stuff my hungry mott with your cock. With a cheeky smile The Dog saved her mobile number and went home.

 

So next morning arrives and not only do I have the happy prospect of a day to myself, but a chance to take matters a little further with my new fat friend. I must confess to beating one out the evening before thinking about jabbing my chap into chunk. And today I had little doubt I could make that a reality. My early morning text to Emma casually enquiring about her plans for the day was responded to in around 30 seconds....."Oh nothing really, what about you ?!"

 

After a few exchanges I just dived in and suggested I pop round with some wine and we could have a 'cuddle up'. An hour later my trusty Tom Tom was guiding me to the doors of PIP 36.....

 

To begin with things were awkward out of the work environment. She was even more shy. I anticipated this of course which is why I came armed with plonk. The perfect knicker lubricant. 3 glasses and the knickers slide off a treat. In Emma's case she'd only emptied the 2nd glass and we'd begun our first embrace. We started kissing slowly as a gently held her fat face in my hands. The wondering hand that firstly felt one of her mighty pots and then snaked up her accessible skirt met no resistance...Hubba Hubba the balls were gunna get emptied.

 

The Love Dog manoeuvered chunka wunka onto her rug in the middle of the living room. Her pie was dripping like a soggy flannel and her eyes had rolled back as I tickled her bean. With a grunt and the warmth of further fluids spewing down my fingers Emma climaxed and ragged me on top of her. Here goes gentlemen....Into the breach !!! ...

 

Now this conquest has been as considerable time since my last. In around 15 seconds (possibly less ) I pulled out and fired Love Ketchup all over her exposed body. Didn't hit any of her expensive looking rug you understand, there was enough flesh to aim at. Emma simply laid there groaning like a bear with it's paw in a trap. I left it to catch it's breath whilst I mopped up in the kitchen. PIP 36, thankyou Maaaaaa'am !

 

So work next day and the days that followed have been a little uneasy. Told her to keep it quiet about our encounter. That never lasts of course and it could hinder my progress with her equally interested, younger and slimmer mate Louise....time will tell. The Dog is a past Master at talking the ladies around and playing the innocent sweet boy. It all in a days work.....

 

Once again, Tales from the Pipside. Thanks for listening...

 

The best quote for me is...

 

"Told her to keep it quiet about our encounter"

 

All been there.

This could prove to be a very popular serial, can't wait for the next episode.

I'll have to get some more popcorn.

I'll have to get some more popcorn.

 

by the cry of the demands for, sounds like some posters will have to get some more tissues.

Right, come on own up, who's polished one off to any of these conquest??

This could rank as topic of the year so far,

 

I would throw one off to the story but I cant for laughing

Now this PIP series began it's days on a Facebook sub application, Social Me (Social Central as it's now called). A simple tagging game. Bird's face pops up, you tag it with some obscenity then onto the next. Occasionally you'd strike up a conversation with a decent sort and sometimes you go a stage further, meet them and smash their back doors in. Got caught out on there though by the ex Mrs BD but it wasn't long before I was plying my trade on the Shagfest that is Plenty of Fish. The journey continued.....

 

So strictly speaking these so called PIPS were internet conquests. Last nights entertainment was actually a customer at the bank I groomed. But fuck it. There's no rule book and like I say last night's tickle marked a double century as I wrote her name into my black book this morning. It's been an enthralling adventure, but by Christ have I shagged some bush pigs ...

 

Now marking such a grand occasion, a busty super model type might have been fitting. But no, I fucked Velma out of Scooby Doo ...

 

 

Ruth, 43 from Brighouse. A startling fall from grace from the delectable PIP 34, but as you know the Dog takes all comers.

 

Now Ruth came into my office around a week ago to sort some finances. A very intellectual, bookish type, but witty and interesting. She also had a filthy twinkle in her eye and it was no surprise that after our meeting she started texting me on my business mobile. The game had started and the Dog already knew the conclusion. Velma was gunna get sticky.....

 

So last night I'm laid on the bed scratching my balls when Ruth happens to text. She's worked late, is stressed and would like to pick me up on her way home for drinkipoos. I agree, smarten up, my carriage collects me 30 minutes later and we head into a quiet local pub for drinks. She looks even more dowdy than I originally thought. Her footwear screamed at me to take them off and beat her around the head with them and her drab clothing offended my eye. And yet I still wanted to strobe her. She was different and very very eager. Obviously hadn't had a cock in many moons.

 

Several drinks in I'm feeling rather pissed. I'd downed a bottle of red before I'd left the house and pint by pint Velma was beginning to look a little more like Daphne, the leggy blonde one. As I'd sadly discover as I peeled off her big pants in bed she was in fact Shaggy.....

 

I'll cut to the chase. Ruth invited me back to her house but was very insistent that she just wanted someone to hold that night and under no circumstances would there be any nonsense. With a face of pure untainted innocence I smiled and agreed Come off it love, you know the Dog is gunna smash your flaps.

 

Arriving at Ruth's rather massive house I'm ushered straight upstairs as she nips into the kitchen to fetch a bottle of wine. We sit up in bed, talk more bollocks then to her amazement I strip off naked and get under the duvet....

 

"Oh you cheeky little boy ! Shall I take my clothes off then ?" She has the same voice of that bird off "American Pie". The band camp one....

 

You better had love, I'm not here for bedtime stories ...

 

Then I saw it. As I helped pull off her ghastly pants a mass of straggley pubic hair came into view. Like the chin of Osama Bin Laden. A Goat's Beard if you please ...

 

Undeterred I dive into it with the Turbo Tongue and set her pulse rate soaring. She hasn't had a chap down there since William the Conquerer was a lad. Her whole body shudders and writhes as she climaxes in my mush. "Just put it in....PUT IT IN !!" Put what in love ? A pair of clippers to remove your fanny wig ? I obey of course and slide the chap into her hole.....SCOOBY DOOBIE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!

 

The Dog fires an almighty bolt into her after a minutes pumping and she lays there sweating smiling like a biff on a special bus. The cunt still has her glasses on and one sock....how endearing

 

And that basically was that. As Goat's Beard was working early doors today I was dropped off home around 7am. Mummy was in the kitchen as I stumbled in. "Oh dear, you've been at it again haven't you ? I can smell cheap perfume on you, go get a shower !!"

 

PIP 35 and 200 in the bag.....Thanks for listening

It'd be amusing if Velma was on some other forum whining about some daft Yorkshire prick who lives with his mum & could only go a minute before squirting.

 

Nob.