Looking back on my time in work, i have come across some thick bastards. The coal industry was full of them, but i suppose it was just part of the tapestry of the laughs you had in a shite job.

Maybe thats why Maggie saw through it all ;d

Edited March 13, 201412 yr by Smiffs

Remember a Wigginer at Walmsleys training school at the bottom of Union Road. Instructor was an ex prison instructor in their workshops and a reet nowty bastard (Piggy Martin).

 

We'd had a full mornings training on screw cutting on a lathe. One lever which can be set to Metric or Imperial.

 

Afternoon, we are all stood around a lathe and the obergrueppenfuehrer is pointing at parts of the lathe and shouting out surnames to name that part. Gets to the screw cutting lever, sets it at Metric and shouts 'Jones - what type of thread is this set at?' "Metric, sir". Lever flicked over to Imperial 'Smith (Wigginer), what type of thread is this set at?' Silence. Wigginer has no fucking idea. After what seemed like an eternity, I whispered in his ear "American threads". Smith, "American threads, sir"

 

Explosion of noise and he chased the poor bastard all around the building brandishing a copper/hide mallet.

 

One of my finest hours 

Coach numbers Graham and Farnworth's son of Billy Big Head worked as labourers in one of the first mills I had to work in

It were ace

At Aerospace a Wigganer "Billy Swarf" came out with a classic.

 

 

"I'll bet that if Blackpool wern;t so packed a lot more people would go"

 

 

 

When i got in the building trade an arrogant cocky Manc was doing a crossword.

 

Him "It's fucking impossible this today"

 

Me "Give it Here"

 

Him "If I can't do it you've no chance"

 

Me  "Done it"

 

Him "Fucking hell I didn't realise you were that clever"

 

Me  "I was taught, when talking to a group you always address the lowest common denominator"

 

Him "I don't understand"

 

Me "exactly"

One of our labourers comes into work 1 monday morning and says

 

Him - Went out on Friday night with the lads and i went home early coz i'd had enough and i got out of the taxi and when i walked into our house i saw a burglar just making his escape out of the back kitchen door, i chased him but he managed to get away. I must've disturbed him coz he hadn't taken anything and my mrs was in bed upsairs so it was lucky i went home early otherwise she might've been raped or summat

 

Me - Are you sure he was a burglar

 

Him - What do you mean

 

Me - Oh nothing your mrs is a very lucky girl

 

1 month later his mrs fucks off with a mystery man

 

He still didn't get it

One of our labourers comes into work 1 monday morning and says

 

Him - Went out on Friday night with the lads and i went home early coz i'd had enough and i got out of the taxi and when i walked into our house i saw a burglar just making his escape out of the back kitchen door, i chased him but he managed to get away. I must've disturbed him coz he hadn't taken anything and my mrs was in bed upsairs so it was lucky i went home early otherwise she might've been raped or summat

 

Me - Are you sure he was a burglar

 

Him - What do you mean

 

Me - Oh nothing your mrs is a very lucky girl

 

1 month later his mrs fucks off with a mystery man

 

He still didn't get it

Ha ha, brilliant

One of our labourers comes into work 1 monday morning and says

 

Him - Went out on Friday night with the lads and i went home early coz i'd had enough and i got out of the taxi and when i walked into our house i saw a burglar just making his escape out of the back kitchen door, i chased him but he managed to get away. I must've disturbed him coz he hadn't taken anything and my mrs was in bed upsairs so it was lucky i went home early otherwise she might've been raped or summat

 

Me - Are you sure he was a burglar

 

Him - What do you mean

 

Me - Oh nothing your mrs is a very lucky girl

 

1 month later his mrs fucks off with a mystery man

 

He still didn't get it

Haha!

One of our labourers comes into work 1 monday morning and says

 

Him - Went out on Friday night with the lads and i went home early coz i'd had enough and i got out of the taxi and when i walked into our house i saw a burglar just making his escape out of the back kitchen door, i chased him but he managed to get away. I must've disturbed him coz he hadn't taken anything and my mrs was in bed upsairs so it was lucky i went home early otherwise she might've been raped or summat

 

Me - Are you sure he was a burglar

 

Him - What do you mean

 

Me - Oh nothing your mrs is a very lucky girl

 

1 month later his mrs fucks off with a mystery man

 

He still didn't get it

 

And are you still together?

And are you still together?

I'm not just for xmas i'm for life

The apprentice at our place bought a new pair of shoes.  They rubbed him.  Instead of putting a plaster on the blister, he cut a notch out of the edge of his shoes.  He then told us all what he'd done, proud as punch for his resourcefulness.  He still gets ruined about it months later.

Office junior where I used to work, Janine, a little tramp from Bewsick (no idea on size as she blatantly shoved socks down there).

 

Me:  Janine, can you get a phone number for this company please?

 

Her:  How?

 

Me:  Ring directory enquiries

 

Her:  How do I do that?

 

Me:  Ring 192.

 

 

... she then dials directory enquiries...

 

 

Directory Enquiries:  Directory enquiries, what name please?

 

Janine:  Erm, Janine, why?

Many years ago while concreting a driveway we had to replace a manhole cover, told the labourer to whip down the builders merchants to pick up a 5 ton cover, he replied he couldn't carry this as the van was only a 35cwt ( 35 hundred weight in old money ).

thick wiganer labourer

 

go and get us some new door numbers we need

 

7 9 11 13 15

 

he come back with them and said " they had no 11's in so i got two ones insted "

I'm not just for xmas i'm for life

 

Then he's a lucky boy.

Receptionist at our place upon the arrival of one of our biggest clients:

 

R: Morning Sir, take a seat. Can I get you a drink at all?

 

C: Yes, coffee please. Black.

 

She runs off in a dither and comes back a couple of minutes later

 

R: Sooorry, we've no black coffee in, only normal.

I used to work with a lad who got a speeding ticket in one of the company cars. His "defence" for this to us all in the office was that the fuel gauge was in the red, so he was driving back as quickly as he could before he ran out of fuel.

When I worked in the motor trade I asked the apprentice to get me 20 Regal or if they hadn't got regal anything would do".........he brought me a meat pie......he was them sent to the shop for my fags with a flea in his ear ...stupid fuck .....he was a "Spill" thick twat...

once asked an apprentice to go to the shop for some fags, i had some change in my drawer that came to around 3 quid i thought, so i said, Mark, nip to my desk and get what fags you can from that money in there,not sure if I have enough for 10 or 20 but just get what you can with what's there.

I forgot I had 20 quid note in there too and the twat came back with 7 20 decks ( fags where cheaper then) saying " you only had enough for 7"

 

same twat got told fill the dumper with diesel, which he did, about 500 gallons in the skip.

 

he was a fucking dope thinking about it

Bird at work couldn't login to a website for some reason

 

Asked her to send me her password and id look into it

 

She copied and pasted it and sent me **********

Edited March 13, 201412 yr by ZicoKelly

I one asked a woman on an IT support call what windows she had open and she said "just the one in the kitchen"

 

It was the final straw and when I left for lunch half an hour later, I never went back.

Edited March 13, 201412 yr by Traf

Bird at work couldn't login to a website for some reason

 

Asked her to send me her password and id look into it

 

She copied and pasted it and sent me **********

We write software, we added the ability to change your password.

 

Testing it, the dickhead developer was changing the password to ***********.

Jan Molby tells some funny anecdotes about Ian Rush being thick as pig shit.

 

Said they went on day trip somewhere with a few beers in the boot.

 

Ian rush came out of the shop with a bag of ice to keep the cans cold till they got there.

 

Jan said to him "that will be melted by the time we get there you daft sod"

 

Ian rush replied "good thinking mate ill nip and get another bag"

 

Haha

Some of these are great.

 

Sending the new lad for a long stand still works, I'm happy to report

Some of these are great.

 

Sending the new lad for a long stand still works, I'm happy to report

 

 

Yeah but who is fooling who?

 

I used too love being sent for a long stand it was a top and legitimate skive.

When I started at aerospace I was sent for "sky hooks " ..a matching pair...twatspatulas...