Next week,any decent one liners?

Next week,any decent one liners?

 

 

Hello my name is.......and I'm an alcoholic.......sorry wrong group.

Great start to your speech.

was best man for my bro t'other week. I opened with:

 

A wise man told me that the best man's speech should last about as long as the groom makes love. So thanks for coming!

 

then i sat down.

 

Cracking day! Once you get into your speech the confidence builds and you end up thinking your peter kay! Loved it

Gumbo from here is my best man next year

 

God help me!

The last time I was best man I had a tape recording of Ian Dury, the first couple of lines - "Don't start me talking, I could talk all night" it went down pretty well.

Edited July 4, 201016 yr by athywhite1958

The last time I was best man I had a tape recording of Ian Dury, the first couple of lines - "Don't start me talking, I could talk all night" it went down pretty well.

 

 

Elvis Costello will be miffed you didn't use the same line from 'Olivers Army'

10 year plus ago I was best man and as the groom was getting to wed to a lass of hispanic/cuban origin whose family were all based in Miami it followed that the wedding would be in Miami Beach. Tip top I thought, but the first snag came when I went to her family gaff - a cracking place they'd just bought, in a gated area with its own mooring on a harbour stretch. After a few bevs I needed a piss and so wandered off into what seemed like the bathroom. Marbled floor, the works; this is reet I thought, and promptly emptied me bladder into the bog. It was only at that point that I realised that the room was a work in progress, them having just moved in and all, and the bog was not actually connected up to anything. I lowered the lid and hoped for the best.

At the wedding reception we were lined up to go in and the geezer at this swanky place who was in charge came over and said summat to the effect of "you're the best man, yes? So you'll be doing the speech". And I said well I'll be doing my speech. But then after a bit of an exchange and some home truths from the groom, it became apparent that the done thing at these jobs was for the best man to do the speech. In other words, there was just one; I'd have to do what would normally be done by groom, bride's father etc AND as all of the buggers there were from her side of the family, half of them understood very little English.

Anyhow, I got that out of the way and then looked forward to the fact that the chief bridesmaid was a sultry hispanic looker, and it was a free bar, so hey ho, here we go. But no, the bride was mortified to discover that the little card things that would go on the cake boxes everyone would take away at the end had been left at home. So me and the groom had no choice but to make the 45 min round trip back down the freeway to pick them up; so there I am all togged up, hurtling down a Miami motorway with a Public Imgage album blaring from the car stereo. Happy, but strange days By the time we got back the free bar had shut

Anyhow, the point is, if I can sort summat out in such circumstances, you'll be reet. If all else fails go back to the classics e.g. stand up with your speech in your hand and say "this is the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand..."

Get some blank mortice keys and give them out to the men at the reception , then in your speach just say i know the bride has been a bit of a one in her time and now she is married if any one would like to return her door key as she is now off the market come forward and do it now, all the blokes get up and start putting the keys in a pot, found it amusing at a wedding i went to espescially when the last one up to put key in was the brides father in law.

being best man is like making love to the queen, its a great honour, but no-one wants to do it.

Elvis Costello will be miffed you didn't use the same line from 'Olivers Army'

 

I was pissed when I got in last night, another normal Sunday.

My old man was best man at my wedding, his speach had everyone in tears.

 

If its a mate, suppose you cant really go down the "Proud moment" road.

i was a bit nervous about giving the best mans speach so i asked a friend for help, he gave me a few lines. i've snorted them and now i'm fine.

Try www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/samples

i was a bit nervous about giving the best mans speach so i asked a friend for help, he gave me a few lines. i've snorted them and now i'm fine.

 

I know a bloke who started his speech off with 'I would just like to thank all my friends, i was realy nervous about this speech but they have given me a few lines and now i am happy to start.' - the young uns get the coke gag, the grannies are oblivous.

 

Avoid any jokes about 'if i do a good job 'groom' has said i can do it again next time' they are just boring.

 

 

At the end of the day it is not like being a comedian in a club, everyone is in a good mood and want you to be funny, they will laugh at anything.

I know a bloke who started his speech off with 'I would just like to thank all my friends, i was realy nervous about this speech but they have given me a few lines and now i am happy to start.' - the young uns get the coke gag, the grannies are oblivous.

 

Avoid any jokes about 'if i do a good job 'groom' has said i can do it again next time' they are just boring.

 

 

At the end of the day it is not like being a comedian in a club, everyone is in a good mood and want you to be funny, they will laugh at anything.

 

I always think that individual stories get a better laugh than the tired lines that are generic and from websites etc

I did one at my aunties using autotune, was a real laugh.

This opener seemed to work at the wedding I was the best man at

 

We all know that the greatest moment in your life or any man?s life is when a woman walks into a room,??.stares across that sea of faces, looks into your eyes and says (pointing at groom) he?s the one. Of course in the past this usually happens to *groom* in a police line up but what the hell.

 

As long as you follow the basic rules to best man speeches you'll be reet

And it's nice to see so many of the groom's exs here today.

I did one at my aunties using autotune, was a real laugh.

 

 

You see this is why diddledee is needed on this board, even if he is made up.

I did one at my aunties using autotune, was a real laugh.

You see this is why diddledee is needed on this board, even if he is made up.

 

 

I thought it was just me!

 

Diddles, you did 'one' what? What the fuck is an autotune? how did it help whatever 'one' you did at your aunties?

 

Come on, we're intrigued.

I did one at my aunties using autotune, was a real laugh.

 

autotune?!

 

as in sounding like daft punk!

Reet , these wedding do,s are nomally quite boring , has anyone got any gear .

 

it must be worth a try .

i went to a wedding of family friend in 2005,was big fancy affair at the imperial hotel on blackpool prom(where the prime minister used to stop during conferences),no expense spared and much to my delight an all day free bar,brilliant i as i hardly knew anyone,so me and my brother camped at the bar and watched the madness unfold!

story goes the grooms family actually despised the bride(family friend) as she is a blackpool hairdresser and he a high flying solicictor with estates and mansions everywhere...so the term gold digger was used quite in an abundance on the day.

so then to the best mans speech!.the majority of the audience were a mixture of his family,and old family friends from his previous marridge,to whom the wife was still very much loved by all present.and not to mention his 3 adult daughters and their family,and also two of his younger daughters aged 8 and 10 were his new birds bridesmaids.

the new bride is called maggie and his ex wife called clare.the best man starts his speech by saying 'does anyone else get a feeling of de-ja-vu here today?' he then proceeds to pull out an old tatty bit of paper,glancing at it and then saying..'oops sorry,that the old one'..i swear tumble weeds rolled by feet.he then carries on to say 'id like to raise a glass to steven and clare...oops sorry maggie...the bride and groom!'

without a smile in the room and the bridesmaids in tears,all hell brakes loose in the reception room,i walked in to the bride(a common lass from blackpool) knocking seven shades of shit out of the best man,and then a free for all broke out,wild west style between maggies family and the the grooms daughters! there was claret all down the brides dress,glass and broken chairs everywhere..all in the 4 star reception of the imperial hotel!...brilliant!

all the better as it was free bar,and diddnt have to cue all night as everyone fucked off home! great night.

so top tip...dont mention the grooms ex wife!!!!

Don't go on to long, went to my uncles wedding, best mans speech 45 minutes long.... It was a free bar in the room next door so by the time he'd finished I'd say at least half of the audience had gone to the toilet and not come back.

FAT KIM said little whitt was the best when you dobble tapped her