SatanGreavsie

"Oh Mister Darcy" she blushed "You're smelling my hair, how romantic. Does it remind you of roses? Of that garden... you know the one...the first time we...my very first time..." "Thing is, I'm checking for nits love. Summat's been crawling round my knackers for a bit now, and it's either them or your cousin's crabs". "Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped, "tomorrow we should visit my great aunt at Bellingham House and take in the nearby church of St Jude's. I shall capture them both in oils for eternity!" "Aye love, but if I may be so bold, in truth the house is designed in a somewhat unimaginative style … while the gardens are a distinctly mediocre effort from Capability Brown. Not one of his best. Besides which, your sister asked me to visit her stables tomorrow, and she'd show me how to rub a fetlock until all the stiffness is gone". "But Mister Darcy, my one and only love, relationships surely invariably involve some quid pro quo , do they not?". "Well I'm 2/3 of the way there love; paid a quid for a pro last month. Should have been ten bob but she charged extra to take her teeth out. Funnily enough I bumped into your Papa - he was coming out as I was going in, if you see what I mean". "Oh Mister Darcy, I'm afraid I don’t get your drift". "Yes, it was snowing that day come to think of it. Anyway, as for the last bit, Quo, I’ll ask my Italian tailor Snr Rossi about it – you know, the one who gets us the laudanum capsules and "whatever you want". If nothing else it’ll put an idea in his head for future generations." "Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped "On this, our wedding day, you have your boat docked just over there. What a memorial to your explorations and a sign of romantic travels to come for us! Despite his increasing deafness, Papa did so enjoy his chat with you yesterday, especially regarding your recent European adventures. He said something about you catching a gondolier in Venice, and you getting a clap. The bystanders must have appreciative; how thrilling! " "I think he misheard chuck. Which reminds me, did you get me that bottle of Dr.Dose's Gentleman's Poultice from the apothecary yesterday? Me nuts are on fire". "Oh Mister Darcy" she gasped, "that lake looks so romantic but I vouchsafe it smells rather unwholesome". "Sorry love that was just me. That caviar jalfrezi at his Lordship's last night has taken its toll". "Oh Mister Darcy" she blushed "We are both people of this world, you must not be embarrassed. The say horses sweat, gents perspire but ladies gently glow. Well it’s the same for other things too; horses fart, men break wind and women... gently exude". "Aye love, but the thing is I've followed through big time. Look, If you take my soiled apparel to Mrs Watson she’ll wash them. She owes me anyway after I found her giving the verger a noshing over the font at St Jude's. I’ll wash myself off down in the lake. Me slowly wading out of it in the misty sunshine will be like that bloke on the - what was it now, er televisual box or summat - in the future that the clairvoyant we visited in the Summer told us about". "Alan Titchmarsh?" "Aye that's the fella" "Tosh, if may be so bold, Mister Darcy, I don't believe in all that clairvoyant rubbish. Why only yesterday a palm reader told me I would be jilted by the love of my life". "Gypsy Betty? Oh I don't know, there's summat in it; when I went last week she put her palm to good use and predicted a happy ending. She was bob on with that to be fair".

Ray Howfen Darren Chequerbent Standish Collymore

We could have a WW acca. Like they say, "where there's dead, there's bread". I'm a thick cunt though, so I'd include me and wouldn't be around to collect my winnings.

I'll just be in a nursing home watching it a puddle of my own piss. Bit like last Euros when I found out you could still order Kestrel Superstrength online

Not fussed; I'll just be happy to still be alive in 2034!

Who remembers "Bag it and bin it; that way we'll win it"?

Can't add owt to that. But as Casino said, just shout if there's even a chance someone here can help somehow.

"Dave, you said "can't get it out of my head" sounds like "can't get you out of my head", the famous song by Kylie Minogue. And that that her first name sounds like Dean Kylie, the keeper who played his most games for Charlton. So you went for The Valley. Well it was a good good guess. But who is another famous Aussie singer? Yes, it's Olivia Newton John. I see you're shaking your head Dave, the penny's dropped. Yes, she was the granddaughter of the Nobel prize winning physicist Max Born. of course - and I see Elsie, you've got it now. What did he do to get his prize? " "Fundamental research in quantum mechanics, especially in the statistical interpretation of the wave function" "Yes of course Elsie. You see where I'm going now?" "That the Born–Oppenheimer approximation is the assumption that the wave functions of atomic nuclei and electrons in a molecule can be treated separately, based on the fact that the nuclei are much heavier than the electrons" "Yes Dave, bang on. And who played Oppenheimer in the recent movie? Of course, it was Cillian Murphy, best known this side of the pond for Peaky Blinders. And where was that set? Yes, Birmingham of course. Sorry Dave and Elsie, but here's a Bendy Bully to put on the mantle piece in your sheltered accommodation ( I hope there's no tadpoles in the dry rot again this year, but it gave us all a laugh didn't it Tony!) in Frisby on the Wreake, just down the road from Melton Mowbray, in the sunny East Midlands in the heart of the country. And here's what you could have won!"

Come on Ted, you can do better than that with clues.

Nice to see Giant Haystacks (top, middle) at a match

Aye, right now out there somewhere there's an intergalactic beryllium-based Brian Cox sitting on a mountain top somewhere nice, with prefect teeth (all 600 of them) and waving his tentacles round saying how there's "billions and billions of stars out there...". He probably played for a shit band as well, until they ate their drummer and split up citing musical differences.

Probably a euphemism for summat in at least one of them. Or maybe "Bedside Lamp" is the stage name of one of the "actors".

If the earth was on the goal line and the nearest star was on the penalty spot, the closest galaxy we can still see with the naked eye (Andromeda) would be in New York. Mind you, any aliens from there would still get done by VAR when they arrived.

Daddy of them all from 1961 Artist's Shit - Wikipedia Artist's Shit (Italian: Merda d'artista) is a 1961 anti-artwork by the Italian artist Piero Manzoni. The work consists of 90 tin cans, each reportedly filled with 30 grams (1.1 oz) of feces, and measuring 4.8 by 6.5 centimetres (1.9 in × 2.6 in), with a label in Italian, English, French, and German stating: A tin was sold for €124,000 at Sotheby's on May 23, 2007.[6] In October 2008, tin 83 was offered for sale at Sotheby's with an estimate of £50,000–70,000. It sold for £97,250. On October 16, 2015, tin 54 was sold at Christies for £182,500. In August 2016, at an art auction in Milan, one of the tins sold for a new record of €275,000, including auction fees.[7] The tins were originally to be valued according to their equivalent weight in gold – $37 each in 1961 – with the price fluctuating according to the market.[3]

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "can only be shown after the watershed". Come to think of it, Gonzo probably has rare copy of Watershed Down - two lasses at it, dressed as rabbits. With carrots. Directed by the legendary Irish/Cypriot porn producer Mick Omatosis.

if your hotel room has one is it advertised as bidet infra ?

Yeh but just choreographed. The Yanks knew from under the counter communications otherwise it would have risked setting of all sorts of nuc alerts falsely. Hence all the kerfuffles at embassies over the last couple of days, for show. "Let him have his tantrum and claim whatever he wants to claim by showing off a toy" will have been doctrine here.

Bit like when this happened and their brand name got splashed across the globe. Then by amazing coincidence their website "malfunctioned" for a bit and handed out top class seats at rock bottom prices. So the world and his wife was entering Cathay Pacific into search engines, as if the whole thing planned all along....

Aye, very accommodating whether its a solo trip or you've got three mates after a pleasurable ride. Not cheap to run and it often takes a while to get going on a cold morning. Definitely something worth splashing out on though, despite its high maintenance costs and the fact its gearbox proves hard to engage every once in a while. With a regular service it'll be a nice little runner until you trade it in for a newer model.

Plenty of style up front but below that a lot of ooomph, alongside a firm ride, active suspension and it goes like the clappers. Not sure about the car.

saying 10pm now

He's had it for a while. Unfortunately it was a different Harris - Rolf. Starts off with very low lighting, and a familiar voice asking "can you tell what it is yet?". When he gets his "wobble board" out is when it really kicks into action. "Tie me kangaroo down, sport" takes on an entirely different meaning in the second half, as his didgeridoo takes quite a battering. Next day was when he did that portrait of the Queen. "Mr Harris" she said, "you seem very tired. Where you up all night?". "Indeed I was your Majesty, ermm...preparing for this special honour". "I suppose your were splashing your stuff all over the place?" "Indeed Ma'am, indeed". "Well I hope today you manage to capture the Royal We". "Had enough of that last night you Highness - being pissed on by Princess Mictura of Luxembourg, the dirty bitch. Right, turn a bit to your left so I can make your tits look bigger....".

They should just shuffle jobs round. Lineker has a natural aversion to walls in front of him so would spend his time trying to bend the ball into Mexico, Welby would spend most of his air time on MOTD praising the plucky Saints, and Trump would Make Anglicanism Great Again. It's got immense potential!

I know, I just wish sportsmen and celebs younger than me would stop dying! I knew I was old when Cameron won office and Craig made Casino Royale. "Fuck me; I'm older than the PM and James Bond" I thought. Lad at work recently hit 30 and was saying he was still young, so I pointed out that by the time they were 30 Heisenberg had come up with his uncertainty principle (gets stopped by the cops "do you know how fast you were going sir?" "yes, but I've no idea where I am"), Spielberg had made Jaws and McCartney had left the Beatles. I need to retire and drink really heavily.

As I've said before, pay the smugglers to be border guards. If they're making as much coin as before, they won't give a toss - and they know all the tricks of the trade. Morally indefensible, but then so is Wales and we put up with them.