You cunt.

Nearest I’ve come to meeting whatever lunatic chose to be my maker was when an artic slid across 3 lanes of the M6 about 400 yards in front of me.

I just about managed to swerve over to the hard shoulder, get round it and carry on.

But my bowels betrayed me that afternoon. It was a long, uncomfortable drive home. But the adrenaline release was like how I imagine a strangle wank goes.

Would recommend.

Edited December 10, 20214 yr by Spider

When I was in Barnes Ward and called the bloke in the next bed a cunt. He was Crunch Crompton and he had shotgun wounds

On the way to a Blackpool - Bolton game on the M 61, and a plank came flying off a lorry straight at our windscreen, the driver swerved like fuck to avoid it and nearly caused a collision in the fast lane.

Crossing the road as a kid with my parents and bro in his buggy. Car full of knobhead boy racers appeared from nowhere and where that close to knocking me over the car brushed the back of my legs. I was 7. My dad found out who it Was and booted the doors in. 

 

I nearly drowned at Butlins Phwelli when I was young 

Couldn't swim but decided to go down the water slide

Thankfully I was dragged out

Still don't like dipping my head under water now

Twice 

Nearly swept out to sea

Slid down a icey mountain on my arse, luckily hit a rock and stopped 

4 years ago this New Year’s Day (after hull at home - madine free kick - 1-0) slipped on the drive when I got home, 
banged my head, unconscious for 15 minutes and 3 bleeds on the brain. A very scary time.

 

also hit by a truck on the m60 and went spinning more times than a waltzer into the embankment.  Luckily was quiet due to snow and lived to tell another tale.

@bolton_blondie almost suffocated me with her massive jahoobs 

7 minutes ago, Rudy said:

@bolton_blondie almost suffocated me with her massive jahoobs 

Will finish you off next time 

Cast your mind back to January 1st 2018. We’d beaten Hull 1-0 and after the match I walked up towards British Aerospace. Only a slight incline but half way I was absolutely knackered. I felt like I just needed to lean against something for a rest. It felt tight across my back; a feeling I’d never experienced before. I powered through, got to my car and as soon as I sat down; instant relief. I drove home and couldn’t get comfortable. Went to bed feeling shit but after a good night’s kip, felt great the day after and the day after that.

On the 4th of Jan, I was packing for a four day trip to Cork to see friends and generally get pissed. Then I started to feel shit again. I’d decided it was indigestion, then asthma so I phoned my GP and got in straight away. Now I’d decided it was asthma I didn’t want it to spoil the trip. Told the doc I wanted a prescription for that puffer thing asthmatics use.

“You’re having a heart attack!” he told me. “Am I bollocks!” I replied. I’d taught first aid for about 25 years and I reckon I’d recognise a heart attack. Vice-like grip, tingling at the extremities is what was in every first aid lecture I’d ever given. Load of bollocks!

15 minutes later I was in A&E at Bolton General where I spent the next 4 days. I actually felt fine; in fact, a bit of a fraud. The place was full of folk who were seriously ill and there’s me, feeling fine. One bloke “died” in the middle of the night and the crash team came in, dragged him onto the floor and a bit of AED/CPR later, he was back in bed. Next day he was sat up eating his breakfast oblivious to last night’s excitement.

A couple of stents later (I watched the line go up through my wrist, and placed in the thin bit of an artery. Fascinating stuff.

All good now. 

 

19 years old, pissed up in Kardamena, Kos. At about 4 in the morning after a days-long pub crawl, me and my mates decided it would be a good idea to swim out to an inflatable trampoline we'd been on earlier in the day, not realising it had been towed about quarter of a mile out to prevent people using it at night.

I've never been the best swimmer, but I just about made it to the trampoline. I was absolutely fucked getting back though. Came properly close to drowning. If I'd have gone under, I would've been fucked as it was pitch black. Fucking idiot. I collapsed from exahustion as soon as I made it to the beach, and I was spewing for a good half hour afterwards due to all the salt water I'd swallowed/inhaled. Then we just walked back to the Funky Worm bar and carried on drinking.

Near drowning in Corfu when someone jumped on top of me in the pool and knocked all the air out of me. Sank like a stone and couldn’t get up off the bottom. Luckily was near some steps and crawled out. Utterly terrifying 

Twice the helicopter before the one I was due on crashed resulting in numerous deaths. 
 

Smashing me knee on a rock in the Zambezi river and getting washed about a mile down river, granted a bad knee wasn’t going to kill me but the crocs could of.

I’ve had 3, all on St Peters way.

Was driving in the outside lane, it was busy, then the bonnet bust its catch and flew open and smashed the windscreen - the bonnet stayed stuck against the windscreen, i couldn’t see a fucking thing, i had to stick my head out of the drivers window & do my best to steer off at the Bradford St exit.

Another time as a daft 17 year old racing my mate on our motorbikes, he fell off at 100mph, but we were so close together his cartwheeling bike just missed me - i’d have been fucked delux if it had.He spent a few weeks in hospital & was lucky to survive.

Another time (again on a motorbike) i had a front tyre blow out at 70mph,if  a rear tyre blows out it’s a bit easier to deal with than a front tyre, if it’s the front you just lose control big time & i was lucky not to drift into the car i was overtaking.

St Petes used to be 70mph limit back when these lucky escapes happened.

 The A666 - The Devils Highway

Edited December 10, 20214 yr by Burndens Bogs

Another I've just remembered 

Euro trip to Macedonia, decided to run back to the hotel on my own about 3 in the morning 

Cuts through some bushes, then I'm just free falling, looks up, and just run off a 15ft or so wall straight to the ground, how I managed to land ok and only have a few cuts and bruises ill never know 

40 minutes ago, Rudy said:

@bolton_blondie almost suffocated me with her massive jahoobs 

 

32 minutes ago, bolton_blondie said:

Will finish you off next time 

Happy endings 😁

Just remembered another. Years ago, we attended a warehouse fire in Horwich. We turned up from Bolton to find a crew of part-timers from Horwich stood in the doorway just pouring water in. The problem is, you’ll never put a fire out quickly without getting in to see where you’re aiming the water. 

We asked the Horwich crew if they were going in but they told us no, it was too hot. Along with my partner, we took their hose and went in with breathing apparatus. Within 10 feet of the door, fuck me, it was hot! We ended up crawling round on or bellies trying to get into the cooler layer. Bravado bastards! There was no way we could’ve gone back out.

I vowed never to look at the part-timers as a second class fireman. 

I think I was 11 and I'm pretty sure it was mock 11 plus day

Got us the afternoon off

In the afternoon went through the ice on a pond

Remember looking up and seeing ice

Fortunately found my way back to the hole I'd created

When McGinlay scored a last breath equaliser at PNE and I was stood in the wrong end of the ground

Edited December 10, 20214 yr by Dimron

fell off a roof and smashed every bone in my ankle on the first day of lockdown.Looked at my foot at 90 degrees to where it should have been and wished i was dead

Was about 8. A housing estate was being built near to where I lived. It had rained solid for two days and the holes for the house foundation's were full of water. I thought it would be a good idea to try and get an empty oil drum floating on top of the water. Splash! Straight in and I was wearing wellies. Instead of trying to get me out my sister ran home for help. Funny thing is I had had swimming lessons a few weeks earlier and was taught how to take PJs off while in water. Anyway that training, if that's what you want to call it, kicked in. Got the wellies off and the big coat I had on. The most exhausting thing was trying to crawl up the muddy wall of the hole I was in. I reckon if I hadn't of had them swimming lessons I would of been a gonna.

Edited December 11, 20214 yr by Underpants

1) Been on East Lancs Railway with my dad as a young lad, probably 7/8 tops. Road closures somewhere or other meant we had to turn around somewhere or another on an industrial estate (somewhere near Churchgate in Bolton but could be wrong). Tipped right over the edge of a 50 foot embankment - long enough to see how far we’d fall - before slamming on the brakes and turning round and pretending nowt had happened 

2) Mate driving back from Kilmarnock v Hibs. Lane one was shut and we only knew when he hit the cones. Wasn’t even in Lanarkshire. Now have a call of “CONES” whenever in the car with him

Got knocked over by a car coming home from primary school, don't remember a thing but a witness said I was knocked 15 foot in the air - not a scratch on me.  Driving to Bolton one Friday night when I was learning to drive, had to swerve out of the way of a car heading straight for me, it crashed right behind me, 2 killed.  Turned my motor over setting off for work one morning, ended up on its roof, it was a soft top, crawled out of the passenger window, had a grazed elbow and bruised ego.

I've been dead for years, haven't let on though because I hate family gatherings.

2 hours ago, royal white said:

Twice the helicopter before the one I was due on crashed resulting in numerous deaths. 
 

Smashing me knee on a rock in the Zambezi river and getting washed about a mile down river, granted a bad knee wasn’t going to kill me but the crocs could of.

drama queen

7 hours ago, royal white said:

Twice the helicopter before the one I was due on crashed resulting in numerous deaths. 
 

Smashing me knee on a rock in the Zambezi river and getting washed about a mile down river, granted a bad knee wasn’t going to kill me but the crocs could of.

 

🤣🤣