Churchill Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Jonathan Ross has been arrested stealing a kitchen utensil from Tesco. He said afterwards ?It was a whisk worth taking!?
keithbwfc Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Jonathan Ross has been arrested stealing a kitchen utensil from Tesco. He said afterwards ?It was a whisk worth taking!? never get tired of that joke 'What do you like more?', my wife said, 'Christmas or sex' 'Christmas of course!' I replied. 'Why is that?', she asked 'Because that happens more often!', I said.
jules_darby Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I've hired one of those Eastern European cleaners, but she took 6 hours to hoover the house Turns out she was a Slovak
Breightmet Boy Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) My wife just came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said 'i've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?' i said 'the plug holes blocked?' I just said to my wife "Right sexy, upstairs now!" she looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastard." I said. "No seriously, The premier league is starting soon, now fuck off... So I'm standing at the bar and this little Chinese guy is stood at the side of me. So I asked him do you know martial arts like Kung Fu and ju-jitsu... He replied why the fuck you ask me that.. Is it because I'm Chinese?! I said no it's because your drinking my fucking pint you little cunt !! Edited September 8, 2011 by Breightmet Boy
chillo Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 bloke wakes up in hospital and says to the doctor i cant feel my legs the doctor says i know we've cut you're arms off (old un's are the best )
superjohnmcginlay Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 What is invisable and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
gonzo Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 i never wanted to beleve my dad stole from his job as a road worker,but when i got home,the signs were all there....
jazza Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I was talking to my boss today about skodas ( he has one) what do you call a skoda with a sunroof??? .................. a skip what do you call a skoda with twin exhausts.... a wheelbarrow why does a Skoda have a heated rear window? .... to keep your hands warm while you're pushing it All shite and 25 years old but it amused me
Peter North Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 What do you call a dog with Wings? Linda McCartney What do you call a dog with a spade up it arse? Dawn French Keep em coming..
superjohnmcginlay Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.
Juan.Kerr Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 A rough looking woman came to the door tonight. She said "I've come to give you super sex". I said. "what flavour's the soup?".
barryk32 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 My pet snake got run over today. Heres a picture $
Peter North Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 My pet snake got run over today. Heres a picture $ The best yet!
gonzo Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me today. its okay though,i only suffered super-fish-oil injuries.
DazBob Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 What do you call a dog with a spade up it arse? Dawn French Sickening. ... although should it b what do you call a hippo with a spade up its arse? What do vegetarian worms eat? Linda McCartney.
farnworth white Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper "excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says "are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks,carriage clocks,grandfather clocks,alarm clocks...what the feck is a potato clock?" Paddy says "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and the wife said "you'd better get a potato clock"
Electric Gretar Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Theboybell Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 2 fish in a tank one turn to the other and enquirers "how do we drive this thing?"
floyd Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But the lightbulb has to really want to change.
DazBob Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Why was the number 10 scared. because 7,8,9.
Guest Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 2 parrots on a perch One says to the other: "smell something fishy?
pato Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I'm not saying Morrisons is shite but went through their self service till with out needing help and got employee of the month
MickyD Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I'm not saying Morrisons is shite but went through their self service till with out needing help and got employee of the month you just don't realise how much this joke means to me!
gonzo Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 a man goes to doctors and says 'i keep thinking that im a moth'. the doctor replies 'its not me you want to see,its a shrink' the man replies 'i know that mate,but i was just passing and saw your light on'
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