Engineers

[bolty58]

Understanding Engineers #1

 

Two engineering students were cycing across a university campus when one

said, "Where did you get that great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding

my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to

the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes

probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

Understanding Engineers #2

 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is

half-empty. To the engineer, the container is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers #3

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with these

blokes?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're

rather slow, aren't they?"  The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a

group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a

fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

 

The group fell silent for a moment.

 

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for

them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist

colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

Understanding Engineers #4

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers #5

 

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

 

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Understanding Engineers #6

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have

designed the human body.  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look

at all the joints."  Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The

nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

 

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who

else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

Understanding Engineers #7

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Engineers

believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

[Not in Crawley]

Is that that boring where you are you have to cut and paste this guff?

[Spider]

Is that that boring where you are you have to cut and paste this guff?

Was it the arts degree jibe that smoked you out...?

[bolty58]

Thanks Spider. I have that worthless turd on ignore and then get to read his inane drivel when others quote it.

 

You have to show a little understanding. His imperious intellect was never going to take kindly to such an effort. No sesquipedalian words to satisfy his superior mind and then as you astutely point out, an anti arts jibe. Was always going to rub the great one the wrong way.

 

Give credit where it is due. He correctly identified the cut and paste method by which the post was effected - it came via e-mail overnight from a friend in Milwaukee I used to work with and I admit to changing a few 'guys' to 'blokes' etc. Further, he has identified the boredom I face at weekends. 32C here today and I had to suffer a very early (pre-sun up) journey to Hillarys Boat Harbour to link up with a Leeds mate who has done very well for himself down here. After 3 hours on the water in his rather impressive boat (prefer terra firma myself but he had been asking me for months to come along and fish in the Indian Ocean) I am now left with two large pink snapper on ice in my laundry which I have to gut and scale now I am home from Ascot racecourse where I could attend only half a meeting at a Glaswegian mates private table. This bloke sold the company he founded in 1998 for a tad over 680 million dollars a couple of years ago and wanted to thank me for giving him the winner of the Melbourne Cup again this year. Besides (half) a day out, his mate also owned the first winner at Ascot which we smashed into in the betting ring at an average price of 3.80.

 

I had to leave early as I promised the missus I would be home early as we are on a Captain Cook Swan River Cruise this evening for dinner this evening and we had a couple of things to do including her seeing some bint who apparently is an artist with eyebrows. Don't ask me - I just smile, nod and say 'yes my dear'.

 

Don't be too hard on t'lad. At least he is far sighted enough to realise that I am bored shitless.

Edited November 11, 2017 by bolty58

[freds dad]

Thanks Spider. I have that worthless turd on ignore and then get to read his inane drivel when others quote it.

 

You have to show a little understanding. His imperious intellect was never going to take kindly to such an effort. No sesquipedalian words to satisfy his superior mind and then as you astutely point out, an anti arts jibe. Was always going to rub the great one the wrong way.

 

Give credit where it is due. He correctly identified the cut and paste method by which the post was effected - it came via e-mail overnight from a friend in Milwaukee I used to work with and I admit to changing a few 'guys' to 'blokes' etc. Further, he has identified the boredom I face at weekends. 32C here today and I had to suffer a very early (pre-sun up) journey to Hillarys Boat Harbour to link up with a Leeds mate who has done very well for himself down here. After 3 hours on the water in his rather impressive boat (prefer terra firma myself but he had been asking me for months to come along and fish in the Indian Ocean) I am now left with two large pink snapper on ice in my laundry which I have to gut and scale now I am home from Ascot racecourse where I could attend only half a meeting at a Glaswegian mates private table. This bloke sold the company he founded in 1998 for a tad over 680 million dollars a couple of years ago and wanted to thank me for giving him the winner of the Melbourne Cup again this year. Besides (half) a day out, his mate also owned the first winner at Ascot which we smashed into in the betting ring at an average price of 3.80.

 

I had to leave early as I promised the missus I would be home early as we are on a Captain Cook Swan River Cruise this evening for dinner this evening and we had a couple of things to do including her seeing some bint who apparently is an artist with eyebrows. Don't ask me - I just smile, nod and say 'yes my dear'.

 

Don't be too hard on t'lad. At least he is far sighted enough to realise that I am bored shitless.

 

 

Sounds like you had a really shit day. How do you struggle on? 

[Spider]

Thanks Spider. I have that worthless turd on ignore and then get to read his inane drivel when others quote it.

 

You have to show a little understanding. His imperious intellect was never going to take kindly to such an effort. No sesquipedalian words to satisfy his superior mind and then as you astutely point out, an anti arts jibe. Was always going to rub the great one the wrong way.

 

Give credit where it is due. He correctly identified the cut and paste method by which the post was effected - it came via e-mail overnight from a friend in Milwaukee I used to work with and I admit to changing a few 'guys' to 'blokes' etc. Further, he has identified the boredom I face at weekends. 32C here today and I had to suffer a very early (pre-sun up) journey to Hillarys Boat Harbour to link up with a Leeds mate who has done very well for himself down here. After 3 hours on the water in his rather impressive boat (prefer terra firma myself but he had been asking me for months to come along and fish in the Indian Ocean) I am now left with two large pink snapper on ice in my laundry which I have to gut and scale now I am home from Ascot racecourse where I could attend only half a meeting at a Glaswegian mates private table. This bloke sold the company he founded in 1998 for a tad over 680 million dollars a couple of years ago and wanted to thank me for giving him the winner of the Melbourne Cup again this year. Besides (half) a day out, his mate also owned the first winner at Ascot which we smashed into in the betting ring at an average price of 3.80.

 

I had to leave early as I promised the missus I would be home early as we are on a Captain Cook Swan River Cruise this evening for dinner this evening and we had a couple of things to do including her seeing some bint who apparently is an artist with eyebrows. Don't ask me - I just smile, nod and say 'yes my dear'.

 

Don't be too hard on t'lad. At least he is far sighted enough to realise that I am bored shitless.

I stood in some dogshit in westhoughton this morning and my tumble dryer has just broken down.

 

I hope the red snapper chokes you, you smug bastard. ????

[embankment]

YO Bolty.

rules of engineering and it has helped me for 40 odd years.

1. Is it running ?

2 Yes.

3 Don't touch it .!!

 

 

1 Is it Running

2 No.

3 Did anyone see you touch it ?

4 YES .

5 YA Fucked !!!.

Enjoy ya cruise.

[bolty58]

I stood in some dogshit in westhoughton this morning and my tumble dryer has just broken down.

 

I hope the red snapper chokes you, you smug bastard.

 

 

Sorry to hear about the barkers egg mate but buy a Lottery ticket.

 

In line with my latent homosexuality, the Snapper are pink. Tonights dinner - I'll try to avoid the former Queen Mothers example.

[bolty58]

Sounds like you had a really shit day. How do you struggle on? 

 

 

Joking aside mate - it's too much for an owd fucker like me now. One of those things or maybe two would have been enough.

 

Luckily, an electrical storm curtailed the dinner cruise lat night and allowed us all to get home in time for the (in)action at Twickers. The bloke who organised the cruise was tickled pink. RU daft and a massive Wallies supporter. He was hoping to see Eddie lose

 

At it again today with the PLSC Remembrance Sunday run which ends up at Clancys Fish Pub in Fremantle. Home for a quick siesta then our Sri Lanakn friends down the street have asked us over for a bit of a get together with their extended family (we often babysit their 3 boys). Looking forward to some nice dry curry tastings and then home for an early night!

[bolty58]

YO Bolty.

rules of engineering and it has helped me for 40 odd years.

1. Is it running ?

2 Yes.

3 Don't touch it .!!

 

 

1 Is it Running

2 No.

3 Did anyone see you touch it ?

4 YES .

5 YA Fucked !!!.

Enjoy ya cruise.

 

 

Me too mate. Taking the apprenticeship at Walmsleys on Union Road was one of my best ever decisions.

 

I almost joined the CEGB instead but was put off by a month away on an 'Outward Bound' course.

[frank_spencer]

Me too mate. Taking the apprenticeship at Walmsleys on Union Road was one of my best ever decisions.

 

I almost joined the CEGB instead but was put off by a month away on an 'Outward Bound' course.

My dad did his at Walmsleys in Bury, before they moved to Compton Way. Though I think the move was after you moved to Auz

[Tonge moor green jacket]

Although not an engineer myself, I find it fascinating; from building bridges to huge metalworking machines.

Loved my occasional trips to Hick Hargreaves seeing the processes.

[tyldesley_white]

Engineering never gets old for me, everyday is another adventure  ... love it . Just spent some time at Kiewit's yard, on the offshore platform I'm working on and walking through the yard to look at some of the other modules for income platforms is truly amazing  

[MancWanderer]

Although not an engineer myself, I find it fascinating; from building bridges to huge metalworking machines.

 

Aye. That's me. My Dad was an electrical engineer and did his apprenticeship at Metro Vics at Trafford Park before being called up to the RAF for WW2. He really got me in to how things work

 

As well as being a weather geek I'm also a buildings geek. Big buildings/structures fascinate me wondering how they built them  

[frank_spencer]

Aye. That's me. My Dad was an electrical engineer and did his apprenticeship at Metro Vics at Trafford Park before being called up to the RAF for WW2. He really got me in to how things work

 

As well as being a weather geek I'm also a buildings geek. Big buildings/structures fascinate me wondering how they built them 

 

Lots and lots of maths.

 

And guys with balls of steel like the bods operating these fuckers at the top of the burj khalifa

[frank_spencer]

[bolty58]

My dad did his at Walmsleys in Bury, before they moved to Compton Way. Though I think the move was after you moved to Auz

 

 

Crompton Way was there way back mate but I know what you mean - they ended up centralising everything there.

 

In the late 60's the foundry was on Crompton Way and down the hill at the back (arse end of Union Road) they had the Apprentice Training School, Research and Development Dept. with an impressive miniature paper machine in there (probably 300 yards long rather then the usual mile-ish) and the Pattern Making shop was there as well.

 

Without a doubt the best (or at least as good as the best) mechanical engineering apprenticeship you could ask for. Did everything from casting 40 foot diameter MG cylinders to controlling inventory in the massive Bar Stores in Bury and all points in between.

[Zico]

Lots and lots of maths.

 

And guys with balls of steel like the bods operating these fuckers at the top of the burj khalifa

 

 

and lots of poorly paid asians who will do owt for a few extra quid

[frank_spencer]

and lots of poorly paid asians who will do owt for a few extra quid

Well there is that too.

[embankment]

Hick Hargreaves.

Went for an interview for an apprenticeship.

They showed us some drill bits , the Yanks had sent over claiming they were the smallest on earth.

Hick Hargreaves. Promptly drilled holes in them and sent some back to them.

By the way I got the job.

Then got another offer elsewhere.

Which I took.

[Winchester White]

Hick Hargreaves.

Went for an interview for an apprenticeship.

They showed us some drill bits , the Yanks had sent over claiming they were the smallest on earth.

Hick Hargreaves. Promptly drilled holes in them and sent some back to them.

By the way I got the job.

Then got another offer elsewhere.

Which I took.

I have heard that story twice before now. One was with Rolls Royce and some Yank manufacturer, the other with BAE and a Chinese outfit.

[Sweep]

I have heard that story twice before now. One was with Rolls Royce and some Yank manufacturer, the other with BAE and a Chinese outfit.

Aye, every engineering firm claims it as there own story. I heard it recently when I visited a BAE site

 

It's a nice story, but generally utter bollocks. I think it's on the snopes website and dates back years

Edited November 13, 2017 by Sweep

[MickyD]

I've also heard it before. Can't recall the UK engineering company but it wasn't Hick Hargreaves.

Also the grain of salt upon which someone used a laser to engrave the Lord's Prayer or something equally fantastic.

[Sweep]

I've also heard it before. Can't recall the UK engineering company but it wasn't Hick Hargreaves.

 

 

 

Just been speaking about it at work, and my boss heard it years ago.....but about a Swiss company, getting drill bits from Japan in the 70s (as apparently the Japanese thought these small drill bits designed for electronics, would be perfect for watch making - anyway, same result, the Swiss company sent the drill bits back with holes drilled in them 

[kent_white]

I visited the cro magnon caves in the Dordogne. Amongst the bison on the wall paintings you could clearly see a picture of the elders of the tribe sending back some drill bits to mitochondrial eve with smaller holes drilled into them.