Site Supporter barryk32 Posted March 8, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 8, 2015 All time favourites. For me its. Knock knock Who's there Adunup Adunup who Quality for all ages Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day. Soon as I got it home,it made a bolt for the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter superjohnmcginlay Posted March 8, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 8, 2015 What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff what's Blue and Fluffy (Wait for blue fluff reply) nope pink fluff holding its breath Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kent_white Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) The 'Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli' one. Genius! Edited March 8, 2015 by kent_white Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drew Peacock Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: . . . . . . . . Damn autocorrect. I meant "Wi-Fi", not "wife". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
no balls Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed a poo. It's better spoken than written, honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishbulb Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 What do you call a Black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you fucking racist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 A white horse walks into a bar Barman says 'Hey this Pub is named after you' Horse says 'What? Derek?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Although I did hear one about a wide mouth frog, but its a visual joke. Funny as fuck when told well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DirtySanchez Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's donner van Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevieb Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Very Un pc but I've loved this joke since I was a kid. An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Very Un pc but I've loved this joke since I was a kid. An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!" Dave Whelan loves this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Very Un pc but I've loved this joke since I was a kid. An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!" I love that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter RONNIE PHILLIPS Posted March 8, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 8, 2015 Simple one but always makes me chuckle... Why are Pirates called Pirates.... because they aaaaaaaarr! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweep Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Dave Whelan loves this I love that Are you Dave Whelan? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
montyrays Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 "Mary, close your legs. The k.i.d.s can see your cunt" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Zico Posted March 8, 2015 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2015 Very Un pc but I've loved this joke since I was a kid. An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!" This is my new favourite Had an arguement with the mrs the other night I was adamant I could build a car out of spaghetti She said I was a nobhead, was talking shit and it was impossible You should've seen her face when I drove pasta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnstoneworth White Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 How did the London Avon girl get pregnant? Max Factor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Are you Dave Whelan? Busted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter MickyD Posted March 8, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 8, 2015 Two nuns in a bath, one says where's the soap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birch-chorley Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 What's black and screams Stevie wonder answering the iron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolton va va Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 "Nurse, nurse, I can't feel my legs," " No need to worry......we've amputated your arms " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juan.Kerr Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Simple one but always makes me chuckle... Why are Pirates called Pirates.... because they aaaaaaaarr! Always followed (by me at least), "Where's your buccaneers ?" "Side of me buccanhead". Har - har (etc). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter White on Tyne Posted March 9, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I went to see my optician the other day. He said that I needed to stop masturbating. I asked if it was because it was making me go blind. He said "no, it's just that you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room" Edited March 9, 2015 by White on Tyne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter MickyD Posted March 9, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted March 9, 2015 Man walks into a doctor's surgery. "Doctor, when I touch my arm it hurts like hell. And when I touch my leg it bloody kills. When I touch my head it is excruciating pain." "Mmm," said the doctor, "Sounds like you may have a broken finger." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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