kent_white Posted May 15 Posted May 15 What do you call a half Iranian half Russian fireman? Amir Panikova Quote
Lt. Aldo Raine Posted May 15 Posted May 15 I've got a mate called Tony He says "don't spell my name backwards" I said "Why not?" Quote
freds dad Posted May 15 Posted May 15 My mates addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time. Quote
gonzo Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Bought a dog from a Blacksmith yesterday. Soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door! Quote
green genie Posted May 15 Posted May 15 There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary and those that don’t Quote
Dimron Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Rang the plant hire company: "I wanna skip in my drive" "I'm not stopping you" Quote
only1swanny Posted May 15 Posted May 15 A programmer's significant other tells them, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread Quote
Sweep Posted May 15 Posted May 15 6 hours ago, Tonge moor green jacket said: Starmer. Brilliant Quote
FrancisFogarty Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Bloke rings Dr. Deirdre help line. Think I’m starting with that incontinence. Where are you ringing from? The waist down most mornings. That’s the problem. Quote
FrancisFogarty Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Two pirates in the pub talking. Mornin, long John. Where’s your buccaneers? (you know the rest). Quote
Traf Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Two nuns in a bath... 1. "Where's the soap?" 2. "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" Quote
FrancisFogarty Posted May 15 Posted May 15 3 hours ago, gonzo said: Bought a dog from a Blacksmith yesterday. Soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door! My dog's got no nose. How does it smell? Terrible. Quote
bolty58 Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Paddy shouting frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No," shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For god's sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy," he replies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck," says the Guard. "I know," says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe." Quote
Dimron Posted May 16 Posted May 16 18 hours ago, FrancisFogarty said: Bloke rings Dr. Deirdre help line. Think I’m starting with that incontinence. Where are you ringing from? The waist down most mornings. That’s the problem. I went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my head "I'll give you some cream for that" Quote
Spider Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Quasimodo walks into a pub and asks for a whiskey. “Bells?” The barman asks. Quasimodo replies, “Don’t you fucking start!” Quote
Spider Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Applied for a job at the local circus the other day said I could do really good impressions of birds Sorry but we’ve already got someone that does bird impressions said the man Oh okay i muttered, then I got up and flew out of the tent Quote
Spider Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Police came to my door the other day and said my dogs had been chasing some lads on bikes. I said my dogs can't even ride bikes Quote
Spider Posted May 16 Posted May 16 I was walking down the canal the other day and came across a suitcase full of kittens. I quickly rang the RSPCA and advised them. "Are they moving?" They asked "i dunno" i replied "they might just be going on holiday" Quote
DirtySanchez Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Bloke came into my local saying he was selling eight legs of venison for £200 I said that's too dear Quote
Dimron Posted May 16 Posted May 16 25 minutes ago, Spider said: Quasimodo walks into a pub and asks for a whiskey. “Bells?” The barman asks. Quasimodo replies, “Don’t you fucking start!” I'm on a whiskey diet... lost 3 days already Quote
Dimron Posted May 16 Posted May 16 27 minutes ago, Spider said: Police came to my door the other day and said my dogs had been chasing some lads on bikes. I said my dogs can't even ride bikes They came to door telling me my dog was barking all of the time, told them it was a cross breed Quote
Dimron Posted May 16 Posted May 16 27 minutes ago, Spider said: I was walking down the canal the other day and came across a suitcase full of kittens. I quickly rang the RSPCA and advised them. "Are they moving?" They asked "i dunno" i replied "they might just be going on holiday" I phoned the RSPCA after running over a tortoise... it was a turtle disaster Quote
Cheese Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Do you remember them rubber things that you turned inside out and they popped up a few seconds later? Quote
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