Underpants Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) What's black, dangerous and lives in a tree? A blackbird with a machine gun. Was told this by my grandad when I was about 6. Still makes me smile now. Told my nephew this joke a few years ago. He said Winston Silcot. Out of fooking order that young man. Edited April 2, 2015 by Underpants Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevieb Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 What's brown and green, has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree on you it'd kill you? A snooker table. I've also had 2 people at work with the Jonathan Ross whisk joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbwfcd Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I can never remember jokes. Except this one. There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mom replies with the same response, "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" Her daughter replies, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deane koontz Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I can never remember jokes. Except this one. There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mom replies with the same response, "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" Her daughter replies, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." I'm stealing that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
royal white Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Driving down to the west country last week and I passed a sign saying "for sale, potatoes, tomatoes, carrots and paracetamol" I thought that was a bit strange so I drove down this country lane to the house and there was a chap outside, I asked him about the sign; I said I can understand you selling potatoes, tomatoes and carrots but why paracetamol he replied, well I'm a farmer see..............................say it in youre best west country accent!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HR Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Got this one on repeat; Not many people know that Wigan is twinned with Las Vegas. They are the only two places in the world you can pay for sex with chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter White on Tyne Posted April 3, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted April 3, 2015 Got this one on repeat; Not many people know that Wigan is twinned with Las Vegas. They are the only two places in the world you can pay for sex with chips. And vice versa I expect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drew Peacock Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freds dad Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Its the National Innuendo Champioships next week. I'm going to enter my sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bwfc87 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Dyslexic guy walks into a bra... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolton va va Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Dyslexic guy walks into a bra... whilst on his way to a toga party, dressed as a goat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I had a delivery of bubble wrap the other day. Said to the driver 'just pop it in the garage' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freds dad Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 whilst on his way to a toga party, dressed as a goat... Where he choked on his own vimto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bolty58 Posted July 31, 2015 Members Share Posted July 31, 2015 Not favourites - just ones sent to me today:- Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!" MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense as Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man, they both should be stoned." Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! HALLELUJAH ! ! ! ! ! ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kent_white Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 A man is walking through the forest and finds a suitcase with a fox and four cubs in it. He rings the RSPCA to tell them. 'Oh dear - that's terrible' says the woman on the other end of the line 'are they moving?' 'I don't know' replies the man 'but if they are it would explain the suitcase'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thanks, a couple of good new ones there. There's been a joke drought! Keep 'em coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter White on Tyne Posted July 31, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted July 31, 2015 I witnessed some totally disgusting behaviour on the beach today. A man and woman with a baby arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Finally a policeman turned up and ended up hitting the guy with his truncheon but then the guy grabbed the truncheon from the copper and started hitting the copper and then his wife with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages….. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Site Supporter RONNIE PHILLIPS Posted July 31, 2015 Site Supporter Share Posted July 31, 2015 I was walking down the street yesterday when somebody threw a piece of cheddar cheese at me... I thought that's not very mature is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesRight Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I was walking down the street yesterday when somebody threw a piece of cheddar cheese at me... I thought that's not very mature is it? How dairy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kent_white Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I stood at the side of a lake tying throw a pint of milk at such an angle that it would bounce repeatedly before sinking. It worked - but not as many times as I'd hoped for. It was semi skimmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big City Girl Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Just bought some posh cheesy crisps from Waitrose. They're called Whatwhatwhatsits. (Eh NB??) Edited August 12, 2015 by Big City Girl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juan.Kerr Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Its the National Innuendo Champioships next week. If it's a double entendre you're after I'll give you one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DomRepWanderer Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 So I'm giving this bird one over her kitchen table, car pulls up in drive, she shouts it's my husband quick use the back door, looking back I should have legged it, but fuck it an offers an offer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wanderer Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I keep having a recurring nightmare I am surrounded by hundreds of pregnant women in labour, I think I maybe having a midwife crisis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Why should you never wear Ukrainian undies ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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