birch-chorley Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Good to see this thread rumbling on after I have returned from work. I didn't think he could get any lower than the Native American with the glowstick but Ruth from Brighouse is a fucking disgrace. What the fuck is the fella thinking. Keep em flowing Gonzo Quote
Snow_white Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Bravo, sir. A literary masterpiece. Quote
gonzo Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well, well, well. First time on the site in almost 2 weeks. Work commitments, 3 regular girlfriends now and some family strife has meant my latest tales of debauchery have taken time to bring to you. A recent trip to Hemel Hempstead for 2 nights with work provided a little mischief. Learnt fuck all on my course, but filled 2 wanton fillies up nicely ... Your words of wisdom about Hemel proved correct. Shithole. Webbed-fingered bastards. And that's coming from a Northern Monkey like my good self. I'd really done my homework on Plenty of fish and had 2 dates lined up for each of my nights there. One a gross fat thing I was about to meet at Hemel train station and the other a 47 year old classy bint obviously needy of tongue and cock. Never to disappoint the Love Dog delivered both and they gracefully enter the Pip Logs 23 and 24 respectively. So 4 fucking trains later a weary and thirsty Dog arrives in the sweet hamlet that is Hemel Hempstead. It's around 9pm, the journey down had been none too cracking, broken down trains etc....but here I am and I stride towards the exit in search of a pub just outside called the Harvester. This is to be the venue where I shall meet Danielle, 27 from Hemel itself. I'd basically been on Fish and searched for all women within a 5 miles radius of the town. Messaged the lot of them, explained my situation and offered the irresistable opportunity to spend the night with me at the Holiday Inn. Yes many told me to fuck off, most chose to ignore me, whilst 3 or 4 were quite taken by the plan and admired the cheekiness. So 2 were booked in and 2 kept as reserve in case one backed out. The scene was set. The balls were tingling.... I walk into The Harvester and order a pint. For 30 seconds the boozer goes dead whilst the inbreds observe the foreign Yorkshire Cunt who has entered the building. One dribbler sat there open mouthed, Kappa trackies on. "Good evening !" I declare then down the pint in record time....fucking needed that ... Being the gent I am I've already text Danielle to see what drink she fancies. Red wine comes the reply. Good choice I ponder and so order a bottle for us to share. 5 minutes later Chunk arrives. Yes it's big, yes it has the thighs of a sumo wrestler, but with it an endearing smile and pretty eyes. We exchange hello kisses, find a quiet corner and I go through the usual patter and flattery. I wish at these points I good leave a tape recorder rolling whilst I take a piss and have a pint at the bar, but the groundwork has to be put in before the evenings entertainment can commence. Lovely girl as it happens, an open top revealing 2 deadly tits and a warm smile inviting me to slip my lad straight into her mouth. I didn't of course. Not there and then. Old Kappa Boy may not be amused.... Here she is God Bless her. Danielle aka Chunk. A filthy sex obsessed lady hiding behind an innocent smile. A regular feature to my Pip encounters is the alcohol consumption. Obviously a tanked up lady is far more open to suggestion and tonight was no exception. The 1st bottle of red is plundered in no time. Chunk then reaches for her purse (just what I like to see) and sends me to the bar for a 2nd bottle. A 3rd bottle is consumed for the road and nudging 11pm we jump in a taxi to take us to the Holiday Inn. I'm so battered having drunk the lion share of the plonk that Danielle has to fill the checking in card for me. I'm dribbling on the desk like a spastic. But I'm horny for chunka wunka and we both know perfectly well what's on the cards. To the bedroom ! I chuck my case up a corner, take off my coat and dive on the bed. I'm quickly joined by fatty and soon her chubby fingers are caressing my body. Is she gunna please me or is she simply gunna eat me. Fuck knows ? That menacing shine in her eyes tells me she's after something so I respond by forcing open her jeans and slipping the fingers into her pie. Wetter than a mermaid's purse. Chunk starts whimpering and egging me on further...."You want to fuck that pussy don't you ? You want to cum inside my cunt don't you ?!" I'm enjoying the filth talk, especially with her accent. You bet I do fatty. Here it comes !! I didn't fancy the prospect of getting between her thighs for the turbo tongue, didn't fancy getting cauliflower ears, so I climb on top, take my best aim and slide the chap in. HUBBA HUBBA. Fat or thin, slip it in....let's ride big bird. She then demands I jizz in her mouth as I approach the conclusion. I do my best but mostly blast into her hair and eyes Poor Danielle, she'd only washed her hair hours earlier and was now peppered with my Love Ketchup .... I awake early next morning to an empty bed and the sound of someone in the shower. There's those few fleeting seconds where you forget where you are, who you spent the night with and why you smell of flange. Danielle's knickers I find thrown onto the dressing table reveals the horrible truth. Yes I'd been harpooning whales the night before.... I wanted to snap a pic of her in the shower but didn't fancy a meaty fist in the face. She gathers her shit, kisses me goodbye, promises me we shall meet again of she's off. Tatty Bye..... Next up, Helen, 47 from some nearby select village. Forget the name. This is posh totty. Pulls into the carpark in her Audi Q7. The picture above does her no justice. She's slim, attractive, superb body and legs and dressed ravishingly. Pencil skirt, expensive heals and a tight elegant top exposing a set of perfect false tits. Clearly a boob job. Tits just don't sit that perfectly at 47. I really needed a suck of those. And do you know what.....I did. As there's fuck all to do in Hemel we head straight for my boudoire and crack open the wine. I love her plummy voice and just the way she expresses and holds herself. Very confident, very sultry and very very sexy. I'm dying to poke the old bitch. Unlike the tame conversation I usually have with bints, this bird has something to say, is engaging and witty and I'll be honest I'm under her spell. I can see her stocking tops through her tightly fitted skirt and after the first bottle of wine I feel brave enough to gently slide a hand up her leg as we kiss. No resistence at all. I pull her over onto my knee and delve a little further up. No fucking knickers on. You dirty little tramp. Now I'm going to finger your beaver and suck on one of those perfect pots of yours ... Far from feeling a little rushed and sleazy, the whole hotel room and everything else, it just feels right. We'd had an instant attraction to one another and it seemed pointless wasting time with the small talk. I fling it on the bed and get it naked and looking slendid before my greedy eyes. The body of an 18 year old I kid you not. And such a sweet smelling burger as I chomp away and leave her writhing around on the bed. She returns the favour and slurps the pipe expertly. EXCELLENTE !! Can't wait any longer, I bend Helen over , she arches her back and offers her tight snatch to me. In it goes. PIP 24, you filthy old no knicker wearing cunt. In the morning we repeat the evenings performance and the Conclusion is even better. She has the body of a gymnast and a great enthusiasm. Minted too....let's get married ! Since all my work colleagues are on the same floor we tip toe out of the room and head sharpish for the hotel exit. "HIYA !!!" Fuck ! It's all the girls from my course stood at the desk checking out. I'd been caught ! Oh hi everyone this is Helen....we used to ermmm....work together I'm especially miffed I'd been caught as a bird called Dionne on the course I'd been nicely building up relations with. Attractive woman with fabulous legs. Helen leaves and as one they all burst out laughing.....You dirty sly bastard !! I'm ribbed for the rest of the day and better still Dionne seemed to admire my style and paid me even more attention that day. So Hemel delivered me a brace. Next stop is Peterborough for a whole week commencing 28th March. Anything less than a hatrick I shall consider a failure. Tales from the Pipside....Thanks for listening !! Quote
MickyD Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm really struggling with Ruth, 43 from Brighouse in all honesty. strange, that in a part of the thread talking about folk with moustaches, you mention Ruth. Quote
bolton_blondie Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 wonder if this bloke looks like Brad Pitt? hmmm I'd bet not Quote
Zico Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm really struggling with Ruth, 43 from Brighouse in all honesty. aye, she won't reply to my messages either probably shouldn't have said "I came across you on a Bolton Wanderers forum and here you are well up for it" Quote
little whitt Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 ive fucked some mingers in my time but this lad gets a olympic gold it goes to show ulgy woman love cock Quote
Breightmet Boy Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 ive fucked some mingers in my time but this lad gets a olympic gold it goes to show ulgy woman love cock You can't say that, mingers have feelings too you know. And afterall, beauty is only a lightswitch away Quote
Big City Girl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Jesus, I hope Chunk never finds this site. She would (quite rightly) kill you! Quote
gonzo Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 So here is my much delayed PIP 22 tale. The night I ruined some poor lady by the name of Michelle from Walsall during my night down in Birmingham. Been a hectic week and hence the delay in bringing you the grimey details. I got back to Leeds late Tuesday evening, Wednesday spent the night with the estranged Wife, Thursday night with a regular standing order I have in Bradford and last night with the potential Mrs Beer Dog number 3. My schedule is crammed full and the knacker sack has little time to recharge. New job this week and on my first day I have a course planned in Birmingham City Centre. Days prior to my trip down there I'd been trawling Plenty of Fish (or Plenty of Gash as I call it) to snare a lady from the Midlands. Tough lot to crack but my persistency eventually paid off. Having given up all hope and with the prospect of spending a lonely evening in some shite hotel bar a text comes through as I'm about halfway down there. Michelle, 42 from Walsall. She said she had nothing on that evening (appropriate words as 12 hours later she was naked and dripping in my fluids) and would love to meet up. Just as mates she reminded me, but I smiled sweetly to myself.... A few texts were exchanged and now I could look forward to landing in Brum, settling into my room and await Yam Yam for a nights boogie woogie. Started downing the Stella then some tidy student type bird sat next to me who I bought a can for. We had a pleasant journey chatting but with me mostly looking at her magnificent pots in her revealing top. Unfortunately no pictures of this fine specimen. Didn't seem appropriate to take photos of her tits. We'd only just met and maybe the British Transport Police may have taken exception to this. She disembarked after an hour and gave me a cute wave from the platform. Cunt didn't even give me her number Mind you....I was twice her age. Eventually land at New Street station. No idea where the fucking hotel is and after asking a few local for directions but not understanding a single word, I obtain a map and saunter through the city checking out a few tidies and one or two shops. A young Villa lad covered in tatts had been glaring sensing I wasn't local....perhaps my flat cap and whippet gave the game away. I press onwards and finally find the Thistle Hotel and check in. The receptionist for whatever reason had me booked in as Dr. ****, and addressed me as Doctor at least five times. Didn't bother correcting her as there were a queue of cheeky birds behind me obviously impressed they had a Doctor in their midst. I am a fucking Doctor anyway....the Love Doctor ... The room is basic but clean. This will do. I peer out the window and admire the glorious view .... I spot a tramp taking a piss against a tree and then looking annoyed at himself as he'd pissed on his bottle of cider.... Yam Yam calls me. Confirms she's on her way but it may take an hour in the car ? Fuck me this cunt is keen. She's not gunna come all that way without at least a tit squeeze. Tonight Michelle the Ambassador is going to really spoil you, but wear ear plugs to block the sound falling out of your mouth. Nip out for a bit of fresh air, find a mini Tesco and head back to the Thistle armed with 2 carrier bags full of booze. I spot old piss pants the tramp again (aka Birmingham Loyal) and he stares longingly at my purchases. The cunt smells like my PIP number 15 so I march past quick step. Ahead of schedule and whilst posting on this site Michelle calls and says she's arrived and waiting in the hotel lobby (correction - hotel bus shelter). My moment of truth. I log off here, straighten the bed and pop down in the lift to greet my victim. Contrary to her photos Michelle aint a bad sort. My expectation level was pretty low but as she moved towards me with the breasts of a 20 year old woman my chap started to twitch in the pants. Hubba Hubba Michelle, you've made the effort, lovely Primark fur coat and boots, an alluring smile, get up the stairs you slut .. I didn't feel it good form to take her straight to the room. We head towards the hotel bar where she has a glass of Pinot and the Love Dog gets back on the Stella. Tonight I was either gunna poke her or beat shit out of it....either way it was getting fucked. As per my last few PIPs Michelle's a good laugh and easy going. We're straight into the swing of things, no uneasy silences and we plan the night ahead. After my full charm offensive she eventually agrees to spend the night with me and hit the booze....BUT NO FUNNY BUSINESS IM INFORMED....Oh no, not me darling. Amusingly she nips back to the car to get her overnight bag. Got the impression she'd planned to stop the night all along I'm still playing it cool, enjoying the chase and the flirting. Back in the hotel room we plunder the supplies I'd nipped out for earlier and even made the cunt iron me a shirt ! Michelle's got a filthy laugh and I just know tonight is gunna be a good night....tonight's gunna be a good good night Shite fucking song.... We're both rocking already and head up Broad Street in a taxi where I think we go to Figure of Eight first ? Cheap beer, cheap women, I'm happy here. Dive in a few more upper market wine bars and then as I hang my head in shame, Michelle's favourite bar....FLARES. Must admit though the birds on the dance floor grinding to the 70s cheese have certainly caught the Love Dog's attention. Michelle senses this and pulls me towards her for our first embrace. She's all tongue and teeth and leaves me gasping for breath. I whisper in her ear about the turbo tongue and her wide excited eyes tell me I'm not gunna expect much resistance tonight. Funny Business is certainly on the cards.... We leave Flares late into the night. She's bought me an afro wig and an inflatable guitar for some bizarre reason. Tonight of course is Valentine's night but romance aint on the agenda for me. Yam Yam's gunna get the poking of her life. Back to the hotel Mighty Pots Once in the room there's little warm up play. We're in the sack, we're in the buff, I'm chewing on her burger as she slurps my chap like a dog eating a bag of hot chips. Hubba Hubba. Take it you filthy minx. She screams her approval and promptly climaxes in my mouth. Let's go potholing !! I bend it over the bed and sink my lad straight in and give it 2 minutes of power thrusting whilst pulling her silky long black hair, deposit a generous amount of Love Ketchup into her box and promptly fall asleep ! Or so she reminds me in the morning. Awaking around 7am and still rather pissed I get on top of it again and pop it in. The morning kiss was instantly regrettable and akin to licking the bottom of an ashtray. But I empty another load into Michelle who soon after gathers her shit and is off back to Walsall. Wham Bam....Thankyou Yam Yam !! Top night if I'm honest. The bird has a great sense of humour and we plan to meet again on my next visit in around 2 weeks time. On my way out the pretty girl on reception thanks Dr. **** for his stay at the Thistle and wishes me a pleasant day. Tales from the Brummy Side....Thanks for listening Quote
no balls Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 2 minutes, eh? NB thinks the Dog is getting betterer. Quote
Breightmet Boy Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 2 minutes, eh? NB thinks the Dog is getting betterer. Its not that easy when youve got Stella and wine splashing about in yer Ned Kelly NB Quote
leigh white Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wonder how many times he got a dose of crabs ? Quote
james phillips Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Excellent funny read. Mods- we may need a new section for this fella. Quote
only1swanny Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wonder how many times he got a dose of crabs ? I was thinking that he's quite clearly not playing it safe... which when your hunting for women that also play Russian Roulette its only a matter of time... Quote
Carlos Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't be using my turbo tongue on the "burger" of some random. Maybe I'm picky? Quote
no balls Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't be using my turbo tongue on the "burger" of some random. Maybe I'm picky? He's probably got cold sores. Quote
only1swanny Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't be using my turbo tongue on the "burger" of some random. Maybe I'm picky? i suppose seen as he only lasts 2 mins he has no other choice... Quote
Bigtoe Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't be using my turbo tongue on the "burger" of some random. Maybe I'm picky? Hotdog? Quote
birch-chorley Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I dont think Ruth from Brighouse will have anyhting, the Native American on the other hand is most likely riddled. This chap probably has his own wing at Leeds General. Quote
Youri McAnespie Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't be using my turbo tongue on the "burger" of some random. Maybe I'm picky? I wonder if, when he's picking up women the 'conventional' way, he uses this technique? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkETWoI-5Vc&feature=related Quote
Bigtoe Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I'm half expecting a follow up to say he's been axed to death Quote
Youri McAnespie Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Random (unrelated ) fact - Alastair Campbell, former Labour spin doctor used to write, unlike the Love Dog obviously, fictional reports of conquests... Campbell became interested in journalism. His first published work was Inter-City Ditties, his winning entry to a readers' competition in the pornographic magazine Forum. This led to a lengthy stint writing pieces for the magazine with such titles as Busking with Bagpipes and The Riviera Gigolo, written in a style calculated to lead readers at the time to believe they were descriptions of his own sexual exploits On a related note, I swear I saw that Sheffield girl from the first instalment on Monday evening, Piccadilly Station 6:30 pm ish, if not she's got a doppleganger with the same dress sense. She was consulting a departures board (train back?) before leaving the station. I really wanted to go over and ask an innocuous question to see if she was a Yorkie, then perhaps take it from there... Edit: Thinking about it more, you get to/from Sheffield via Stockport on the train don't you? Edited February 21, 2012 by Youri McAnespie Quote
gonzo Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 where's todays story So the door closed on the fun and capers that was Social Me. It was only a matter of time before I was well and truley rumbled on there. Seems every cunt and their pet chihuahua are busy tagging away and so a new venue was needed. A new sweetie shop where I could use my dirty fingers to select the best candy on display ... www.smooch.com is one such site. Completely free to join, search and mail slags, but the quality is suspect. Patience is the key here. For every tidy bird there are 25 creatures off the Monster Munch packets. Worse still, these are mid-30s to 40s women who are looking for love, not some Rodeo Champion looking for the quick empty. And so the going has been tough, grooming skills were required to the max. But my efforts are now baring fruit and the first lucky lucky lady to take my plums was Wendy, 36, Armley (Leeds). With a list of others primed and waiting in the wings, she's hopefully the start of a new chapter....my loins are oiled ... Went out to visit a cousin last night who needed some mortgage advice. We've not seen each other in a while and I told the Mrs I might be late in. The perfect cover story ... Earlier that day I'd been opening discussions with Wendy to the possibility of me popping over for drinkipoos and she seemed more than eager. A familiar feeling of expectancy was welling up inside the Love Dog and as I drove out I had a sly stroke of the pipe ... So after an hour or so I left my cousins house and tapped in Wendy's co-ordinates. Only 2 miles away, Hubba Hubba...turned out nice then .. But winding through the backstreets of Armley and doing a circuit of the formidable Prison there it soon becomes apparent I'm in bandit country. A burnt out car on a grass verge confirmed this...Holy Fuck, what am I doing 'oh: The only thing that kept me going was a text I'd just received from Wendy..."I hope you don't mind but I'll be in my PJs when you get here ? :-) xxx" Oh no, that will not be a problem you dirty little cow The moment is upon me. I park around the back of a dodgy looking street, I can almost hear the wail of the convicts beyond Armley Prison's high walls and I step cautiously up to the door marked 35. I knock, a proper Misters knock, not one of those gay efforts I discussed last week, the door opened and Pip 10 came into view. First impressions...... The body of Pamela Anderson, the face of Clive Anderson. A curious mixture. The face was really quite unpleasant, but the fitted silky PJs revealing a body I just had to scuttle. She was like a curvaceous member of Fraggle Rock. No fucked up face was stopping me tonight.... Here she is. Wendy the Fraggle. Again a deceiving picture and on 2 counts. Above is a pleasant smiling face of an average looking sort. In reality I was faced with the mush of a cat burglar, the likes of which were just over the fence residing at Her Majesty's pleasure. The body however was a revelation and very unexpected. The photo suggests it's a pastey, blubbery mess with a fanny smelling like sweaty running shoes. But she had a good trim body, perfect tan and seductive arse and tits. I was straight through the door The house was well kept and defied the scrubby neighbourhood. I was starting to relax and having dispensed with the opening frivolities she sat close to me in the lounge. As Wendy bent down for the remote control to lower the TV volume a fine pair of tits flashed before my hungry eyes. Hubba Hubba...get those out you slag With time at a premium tonight I slipped straight into 5th gear. The chemistry was clearly there and I wasn't expecting a slap across the face as I moved in. As soon as our lips touched Fraggle swung a leg over my knee and I cupped her tight little arse in my hand. Gor Blimey Guv'nor....the chap was throbbing. No tentative hands needed here. The prey was mine. I flashed my hands all over her tits and wet snatch. Very well groomed it was and already dripping with lady slime. She groaned in my ear as I stoved my fingers in....but it was a smokers groan and her voice rattled like a clapped out Austin Allegro. Fuck sake.... I simply had to get a proper look at her tidy shitbox. I manipulated her onto the floor on her knees and bent her over the settee having dispensed of her pyjama bottoms. Crikey Moses...take a look at this. I could feel my pipe leaking ... Whipping off my own duds I got behind it and reaching around tickled her pie whilst rubbing the chap up and down her crack. The Allegro was now over revving in 2nd gear and without warning it happened !! Her cunt gushed red hot cum all over my hands. It was another gusher , How bizarre I thought to myself that only this week I was discussing the merits of gushers with my good friends on AWOL. And here I was again....like a leaping salmon up a waterfall .. Must say however old Wendy was a very selfish lover. She was certainly happy for me provide all the pleasure. There was a half baked attempt to wank me off for a while...then she gave up and let me tongue the burger until she came in my mush again. Even laid back at one point hoping for a slurp...."This cock won't suck itself love" I thought....but nothing .. I now had Fraggle on its back and was plunging the chap into the soggy hole. Fuck, I was only gunna last 10 seconds here. I tried to imagine Mo Mowlam laid there to keep the wolf from the door. It was no use. Pulling out quickly I blasted Wendy with my paste and she squealed with surprise. Sorry darling, do your other lovers last longer than 8 seconds ? ... "I've just washed these pyjamas !!" She shouted out genuinely put out .. Well you're gunna have to wash 'em again you filthy cunt I helped clean up the mess. She'd left a pool of her liquids on the laminate flooring, whilst she was caked from the waiste up in my Love Ketchup. My laughter didn't go down well at all and after a few awkward goodbyes I was out the door and home in good time ... Had a few nice texts of it this morning and who knows I may venture down there again. I do love a gusher. I've added her to the secret list and my tally now stands at 176. As I've said before I feel it's only fitting to present contestant number 180 with an Eric Bristow T-shirt or commerative "Crafty Cockney" darts .. PIP number 10, the Decathlon is complete....Thanks for listening Quote
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